He moves his hand away from mine and turns his head toward the window. At least I don’t have to look at his banged-up features anymore. I almost hate the way I feel about him now. It makes me small and petty.
I don’t want to be small and petty, but I am. Like I told him, I haven’t had a lot of time to process this.
“I guess I thought more about it than I should have, okay? I admit that much. But I didn’t pretend to like you so much because of that. I swear, I didn’t. I liked—I like—you for who you are. So much.”
He snickers, turning toward me again. “Which is why I didn’t get back to you. I couldn’t risk you being there when they … you know. And now, I see it was the right thing to do. They caught me coming out of my building. I tried to avoid them, but it was pointless. You can’t. Not when they’re good and determined to find you. If you had been with me …”
“I get it.”
“That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
“You could’ve told me the truth, and I would’ve understood.”
“Right. And run the risk of you cursing me out and never speaking to me again?”
“What was the alternative? Never talking to me again and making me hate you? And myself? Because I did. I hated myself this whole week for believing you. For letting myself get suckered in by you.”
“You weren’t a sucker.”
“I sort of was though,” I whisper. “I believed your story about Zack even though it didn’t make any sense for you to tell me something so personal. And I didn’t listen to my gut when you threw me off with the rich grandmother comment. So, yeah, I let myself get fooled. Though I guess I should thank you in the end. I’ll be more careful next time.”
“Damn it. I asked who in their right mind would hurt you. Now, I know. I should’ve always known.”
I shrug it off as best I can. “It is what it is.”
“No. Don’t become a cynical asshole like me. I mean it,” he insists after I snicker at the memory of our first encounter.
“I need you to know something.” I stand, leaning over him a little so he can’t avoid looking at me. He needs to see my face. I need him to believe me.
Because he’s not a bad person. He’s a very good person. I believe that with all my heart.
So, he deserves the truth if he ever hopes to be happy a day in his life.
“I would’ve understood if you had told me the truth. I wouldn’t have judged you. I might even have respected you more for being honest. And for trying hard to get through your problems. It’s not because of your problems that I can’t be with you now. It’s because I would never be able to trust you again. I wouldn’t know whether I could believe anything you said. That would be what eventually drove us apart. Not your past, not the struggles you’re going through. The lies.”
His eye narrows. “I wanted to make sure you cared about me before I told you.”
“But don’t you see how much worse that is? You’ve got to have a little faith in people. I understand; I get it. You don’t want to run the risk of scaring somebody off before there’s a chance of anything growing. But … waiting until somebody falls for you is no good either. That only causes more pain in the end.”
“And it’s selfish,” he concludes with a sigh.
“I didn’t want to say it, but, yeah, now that you’ve said it …”
He snorts softly at this. “Thanks for putting it to me straight. Really. I needed to hear it.”
“I hope you remember it later. Once you’re healed up and doing what has to be done to get your life back on track.”
He nods slightly, maybe as much as he can without pain. “I don’t know what that means exactly. Who I’ll have to go to for help.”
“You have people in your life who love you, right?” I remember him telling me about his parents, and the summer house in the Hamptons must mean they’re pretty well off. I can’t imagine how a parent could see him in this condition and not try to help in some way.
“I do.” He doesn’t go any further into it, and I won’t make him.
“Take care of yourself, okay?” I touch his cheek and try not to remember what it was like before. When I didn’t know. When I didn’t have to see him this way, when he wasn’t hurting.
“You too. Try to remember what it was like back there, before this. You said you’d miss that place, remember?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll miss it too.”
My vision’s a little blurry as I leave his room and walk straight into a hug from Hayley.
“It’s gonna be okay,” she whispers, squeezing me tight. “It’s gonna be just fine.”
I have to wonder. I really do.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“I’ll say this for your time at that resort. It added color to your complexion.” Though, naturally, my grandmother can’t give what sounds like a compliment without tempering it with a heavy dose of criticism. “I hope you took care to protect yourself though. Nothing ages like the sun.”
“Which is it?” I have to laugh. “Is it good that I got a tan or bad?”
She rolls her eyes. Sometimes, it seems like she’s picking up bad mannerisms from me. “Don’t make a habit of it. Let us leave it at that.”
“Fair enough.”
“You enjoyed your time there?” She passes me a plate of sandwiches, which I can’t help but notice aren’t as tidy-looking as our tea sandwiches usually are.
“I did. What’s with the sandwiches?”
“What do you mean?”
“They’re usually so cute and neat-looking. There’re little bits of crust still on the ends, and there’re bits of egg salad hanging out. Is Peter okay?” I look over my shoulder, expecting to see him. Or hoping to. It’s nice to get a look at him, to make sure he’s healthy and well.
“I don’t understand what our sandwiches have to do with Peter.”
“Stop playing around. He does the cooking. Even now. And I’ve never seen the sandwiches looking this way. Is he sick?”
“No, he isn’t sick. He’s … no longer performing domestic duties. I’ve brought on additional help since you last paid me a visit.”
My jaw pretty much hits the floor. Not that I didn’t hope she would do this. I didn’t expect it so soon, is all. And I certainly didn’t expect her to bring somebody into the household and let them act with anything other than perfect precision.
I’ve seen the woman nearly throw a fit over something as stupid as a fingerprint on a wineglass.
That was a different time though. Peter has changed her in many ways.
If not changed exactly, he’s granted her a sense of perspective she didn’t possess before. That’s closer to the truth, I think.
“Well?” she asks with a blithe shrug. “It isn’t right for him to continue in his former duties. Granted, we’ve made things a great deal less formal than they used to be, yet that wasn’t enough. He will either be my servant or my—”