Nothing I said truly convinced me, though. The realization that I was never going to hear from him again was slowly dawning on me. One weekend was exactly what I didn't want, and I'm the one that turned it into that. I closed my eyes. I could still picture being back on campus at the University of New Castle and watching him run by while I pretended to study. Even though I had been depressed, I still noticed him. Seeing him almost gave me a little hope. I let myself have a crush on him, knowing that there were no consequences to that. There was no sense of loss if you never had the courage to talk to someone in the first place. When he showed up here, it felt like my second chance. Now I had blown that too. People didn't get third chances.
I thought about what Tim had said. He told me to take a walk to think about what I had done, like I was a little kid who had broken something. I shook my head. Yes, Tim was strange, but I had messed up. Maybe a walk would help. I stood up and pulled my shorts and shirt back on. The fabric clung awkwardly to my wet bathing suit, but I didn't care. I made my way toward the trail.
I went for so many walks after Derek had died. I'd just walk around Newark until I ended up at some place that reminded me of him. It was like my feet had a mind of their own. For the first time in a long time, I could honestly say I wasn't upset about Derek. It was weird being in the rainforest. It seemed so peaceful. And the humidity almost hugged me, making me feel safe. Derek was gone. It wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do about it, except remember all the good times. I touched the bracelet on my wrist. Maybe I should have left it on the forest ground. Maybe I could leave a little piece of him here. I think he would have wanted that. But for some reason, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to forget.
A piece of jewelry didn't remind me of him, though. I was holding onto a trinket that meant nothing. My fingers fumbled with the clasp and the bracelet fell onto my opposite palm. It had been more of a shackle if anything. I was done living with regrets. I was done feeling like I couldn't move forward. But still, I couldn't let go. I gripped the bracelet tightly in my fist and continued walking.
I wasn't at all surprised when I realized I was on the path that led to the waterfall. I wished I could say I was going there to say goodbye and move on. But it was the opposite. I wanted something to hold onto. I wanted to remember Rob's hands on me beneath the cascading water. I wanted to remember how sexy he looked when he caught me staring at him after our fight. I wanted to remember how desired he made me feel. I didn't want to move on. Not from this. Not from him. I wanted him.
When I reached the waterfall, I stopped. My past wasn't going to ruin my future anymore. I wouldn't let it. And I wasn't going to ruin this place with memories that didn't belong here. I took a deep breath and threw the bracelet in the opposite direction of the waterfall. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
"Are you going to make me go find that again?"
A huge smile spread across my face. I must have looked like a crazy person when I turned around. "You're here."
"I'm here." Rob smiled.
God I loved that smile. "What are you doing here?"
"It's my waterfall."
I laughed. "It's not yours. You can't own something in the middle of the rainforest."
"Especially when a beautiful woman keeps showing up. Maybe that makes it ours."
Ours? I hated the distance between us. I wanted to run into his arms and kiss every inch of his perfect face. "So, you got my voicemails?"
"Voicemails?"
Oh my God. He hadn't heard my crazy voicemails? If he did, he'd probably be running in the opposite direction of me. "Well, since you're here, you don't really need to listen to them. Actually, if you hand me your phone I can just delete them for you."
An even bigger smile spread across his face with each word I spoke. "Oh, now that I'm thinking about it, I did get those voicemails. I don't know why your hands aren't all over me if you're in love with me, Daphne."
"Why didn't you pick up your phone?" I could feel my face turning red. Maybe if I just avoided talking about my confession of loving him, he'd let it go.
"I was on a plane. I didn't get your messages until I landed back in Costa Rica."
"Back in Costa Rica? You were already on your way back?"
"My brother can be super annoying sometimes."
"What, did he force you onto the plane?"
Rob smiled. "No. He just made me realize that if I didn't give this a shot, I'd regret it for my whole life. I don't want to regret anything."
"Me either."
"So you love me, huh?" His smile was playful.
Of course he didn't let it go. "I'm not in love with you, Rob."
"In your idea of the definition, surely not. But what about mine?"
"Passion?"
"Yes, passion."
I knew he was right. And looking into his eyes, I knew he had the same passion for me as I had for him. "Maybe in that sense, I am a little in love with you."
"Just a little? I kind of remember our passion a little differently." He grabbed his shirt by the nape of its collar and pulled it over his head.
It was hard not to lose my voice at the sight of him. Especially when he started to unhinge his belt. "Does that mean you're in love with me?" My heart was beating fast as I watched him mull it over.
"Honestly, I don't know, Daphne."
Oh. I bit my bottom lip.
"All I know is that I can't stop thinking about you. When I close my eyes I see the green of yours. My fingers itch to feel the curve of your hips. All I want is to taste you again. And I love the way your face flushes when I talk to you. I don't really know what love is. I was kind of hoping we could figure out the whole love thing together." He pulled his belt out of the loops, tossed it on the ground, and unbuttoned his shorts.
"By skinny dipping?"
He smiled. "No. Well, partially. You said you didn't want to do it alone, Daphne. You said you wanted me. Well, I want you too. So I'm going to show you how to live by showering under a waterfall like humans are meant to do." He shoved his shorts and boxers to the ground, revealing his huge erection. "And by fucking. I should probably put that out there. Because if you're naked, there's no way I'm not fucking you. Come and get me, beautiful." He turned around and dove head first into the pool of water.
I just stood there and watched him as his head bobbed on the surface of the water.
"What are you waiting for?!" he yelled over the sound of the cascading water.
What am I waiting for? I grabbed my shirt and pulled it off over my head. I quickly unbuttoned my shorts and pushed them down my hips, leaving me in only my one-piece bathing suit. But then I paused. I had never been skinny dipping in my life. I looked over my shoulder to see if there were any passersby.
"All of it, Daphne."
How was I ever supposed to fall in love if I was scared of giving all of myself to someone? I wanted to give myself to Rob. And I wanted him to give himself to me. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore my hands shaking as I pulled the straps down my shoulders.
"Stop."
I opened my eyes, embarrassed that I was making this such a big deal. But I had only had sex in the dark under sheets before. At least until yesterday with him, but I hadn't taken off my shirt.