"I can't put myself in danger because I'm scared of hurting my parents like Derek hurt them." Even though I was dehydrated the tears had started falling down my cheeks again. "And even before he died, I was always worried about him. Always. I just wanted to believe he was better. I thought he was better."
Kristen got up and hugged me. I tried to push her off but she was stronger than me.
"It's my fault." I let myself relax into her.
"It's not your fault." I felt Alina's arms wrap around me too. "We were all together that night. We all thought he was okay."
We had been out celebrating before the start of our last semester of college. And Derek had been killing himself. I'd never know if he did it on purpose. I wanted to believe he wouldn't have. But no matter whether it was on purpose or not, it still felt like he left me. "He left me."
"It was an accident."
"You don't know that."
"He loved you, Daphne."
"Then why did he leave me?" I cried even harder.
No one had anything to say, because there was nothing to say. Kristen and Alina had been friends with Derek too, but it wasn't the same. They didn't understand how worried I had always been. They just didn't. I needed to talk to someone who understood. I needed to talk to Rob. But I hadn't even gotten his phone number. I was never going to see him again.
No. Rob wasn't dead. I could find him. I could apologize. Maybe he'd still want me. There was still a chance. I wanted him.
"I need to go to Newark," I said into Kristen's shoulder.
"What? Why?" Kristen asked.
"I need to find Rob."
"I don't know if you'll be able to catch any flights tonight. It takes awhile to get to the airport."
I wiggled out of Alina and Kristen's hug. "I need to go." I looked around for my suitcase.
"Daphne, calm down for one second," Alina said.
"I made a mistake. I pushed him away because I was upset about Derek. And there were a lot of red flags. Like, a lot of red flags. But I don't think any of that matters. I like the way he makes me feel. I really like him. And I shouldn't have pushed him away when he was trying to help. He was just trying to understand. I think maybe love is more about passion than patience. I think he was right. And I miss him. I don't even know him, but I'm upset that he's gone. I don't want to not see him."
"Rob?" Kristen asked.
"Yes, Rob."
Kristen laughed. "Okay, well take a deep breath. How about you just call him and tell him all that?"
"Because I don't have his number."
"Why didn't you ask for his number?"
"I was too busy telling him that we weren't a good fit and pushing him away from me."
"Such a romantic."
"Stop making fun of me." I felt like I wanted to start crying again.
"Oh my God. Daphne, really, you need to calm down. I've never seen you like this. You're acting crazy."
"I can't lose him. I don't want to lose him too."
"I can get his number for you," Layla said. She had been awkwardly standing to the side during our conversation. She had never gotten to meet Derek. She probably thought I was a maniac.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I just texted Mason asking for it. I don't think he can respond while they're flying, but I'm sure he'll text me back when they land. It's going to be okay."
I sighed with relief. "Oh good."
They all just stared at me.
I didn't know what to say. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. Rob would take my call. He had to. And if he didn't, maybe I could try and find him. I could leave the hotel in the morning and hopefully get a flight in the afternoon.
"You had sex with him, didn't you," Kristen said. There was no doubt in her tone.
How did she know? "I...it just kind of happened."
"What about all your rules?! I didn't think you could even do hand stuff until the fourth date?"
"I don't know, I just...I like him. None of that mattered with him. He made me feel like I was living again."
Kristen smiled. "Well, if he doesn't answer your call, I'll be by your side when we break down his door in Newark."
I laughed. "You just want to run into James."
"Maybe a little." She winked at me. "Okay, so let's start from the top. How big was his dick?"
I laughed and put my hands over my face.
Chapter 36
Daphne
"Hey," Alina whispered.
I looked up from my phone. "Hey."
She sat down on the couch next to me and put her head on my shoulder. "Still no response?"
I stared back down at the empty screen. "No, not yet." I said it like I was hopeful that Rob would respond. But why would he really? I told him I wasn't interested.
"He will." She yawned and kept her head on my shoulder.
The sun was starting to rise and streaks of light were coming through the blinds. We sat like that for several minutes in silence. I hadn't been able to fall asleep. I was used to staying up late waiting. Even though I hadn't had to do it in awhile. My eyelids were starting to droop.
"I miss him too," Alina whispered.
I silently nodded my head.
"I'm sorry that we never talk about what happened."
"There's nothing to talk about." I quickly wiped under my eyes before I had a real chance to start crying.
Alina lifted her head off my shoulder. "That's not true. Even if we just talked about him. There were so many good times too."
I nodded again.
"It wasn't your fault, Daphne."
"I know." And I did know. "I just wished there was something I could have done to save him." There was no hiding my tears now as they silently spilled down my cheeks.
"But that's the thing, you made every day that he did have wonderful."
I nodded again.
She put her head on my shoulder again and intertwined her arm in mine. "We shouldn't have come to Costa Rica. I'm really sorry."
I slowly inhaled and exhaled. "I don't think that's why I'm so upset. He would have wanted me to come."
"I know." She didn't say anything else.
I wanted to fill the silence. It always felt like I didn't have anyone I could talk about Derek to. If I tried talking to my mom, she would burst into tears. Seeing her fall apart just made everything worse. And no one liked talking about death. Kristen and Alina always looked so sad. So I kept it all in. But it seemed like Alina wanted me to talk. I certainly needed to get it off my chest.
"Everything has just felt so...dark since he died, you know? Sometimes it still feels like I can just pick up the phone and call him. And every time that happens, it feels like he just died again. I work all the time. I close myself off. I don't do anything, yet I'm always busy. I feel like I'm just going through the motions." I sighed.
Alina stayed quiet.
"It just always felt like he left me. And I don't want to feel that way again. I live my life so that I won't feel that way. So why do I feel that way right now?"