Blood.
The thought stops me in my tracks and I see Sal’s blood on the floor again. I stop and take a minute to just breathe. She puts her hand on my back and waits with me, while I pull the pieces of myself back together.
“You lost your husband and gained a son, it’s a lot,” she says softly, now the tyrant has calmed a bit. “Not that Sal is a loss, young lady.”
She adds a dig. Does she know him?
I look at her. She’s older, probably my mother’s age, and her graying hair is pulled up into a bun. The green scrubs match her eyes. She smiles at me.
“I have worked here for many years, Chelsey. The Calligaris family have been coming through those revolving doors since I can remember. Always a blind eye turned to whatever disaster they drag in, at least I won’t be setting your son's broken arms.” She says enough for me, she knew he was hurting his wife and son. “You’ll be fine. The little man has a good Momma, I can tell.”
I don’t believe her. I’m barely a good human never mind being a good mother. I’m bound to fuck it up like everything else I seem to touch. Only now it’s an entire life I might ruin.
Rounding the corner to the nursery, I stop. Standing there with his hand on the giant glass viewing window, is Rat. He is looking at his little brother through that glass. His smile is priceless. Pure love radiates from him, while I stink of self doubt and fear.
I stop and just observe him as he looks through the window, but I’m looking for the man who watched his father being killed. His nose wrinkles with smiles and he laughs to himself. He hasn’t even noticed us. We take two steps closer before he sees us. His face lights up and he starts walking towards me.
I want to turn and run away. I want to leave the two of them and just go.
“Esme.” He greets the nurse with a hug. “I knew you would take care of her.” He kisses her cheek and her nose wrinkles with the wide smile on her face. “Chel’s, are you okay?” He looks to where I’m still holding my insides together.
“I’m fine,” I say softly. When I look at him all I see is the man who stole my heart. I see the sparkle of love in his eyes and the smile of concern as he worries about me. “I'm sorry.”
The tears come without warning. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I feel like I need to apologize. Rat puts his long, thin arms around me, and holds me against him. He smells like home, and I’m safe like this.
“You don’t need to be sorry, Chelsey. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
I cling to him. I hold on tight and say it as softly as I can so Esme can’t hear. “I saw what happened, Rat. I saw them kill him, I saw you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to see it. I wanted to say hello when he got home. I’m sorry.”
His body stiffens and he pushes me away. The lines on his forehead deepen and his mouth turns downward. “We will talk about it later, Chelsey. You cannot tell anyone. Let’s go see the baby, then we can talk. Okay?”
I’m not going to tell anyone. I didn’t plan on telling him. Nodding, we move towards the door of the nursery, and Esme stops Rat. “Only moms and dads, sorry my boy.”
He looks a bit sad and I don’t understand why he can’t come in. “He’s the brother, surely he can come in?” I ask. I’m not ready to do this alone.
“It’s the rules.” She shakes her head.
“Well, pretend you don’t know he’s not the dad and let him in. I can’t do this alone.”
More crying starts without warning and Rat comes back beside me and takes my hand in his. Kissing my knuckles softly, he looks at Esme with pleading eyes.
“You’re a shit, you know that Salvi. You know exactly how to get me in trouble. Come on.”
Inside the room is a row of clear bassinets, color coded pink and blue. In each, a neatly bundled little person wriggles in their swaddle. There is only one that matters. I’m drawn to it instinctively.
The card on the outside just reads ‘Baby Calligaris’. He doesn’t have a name yet. We never decided on one, but I do know it won’t be any version of Sal. I don’t want him to be anything like his father.
“He needs a name,” I say, standing a step away. I don’t know if I'm ready yet.
“He does,” Esme says, her hand on my back, forcing me closer. “Did you have one picked out?”
“No,” I say, looking at Rat standing opposite me now on the other side of the little body between us. He ties us together, but keeps us apart.
“It has to be a family name, it’s tradition,” Rat says, looking at the baby.
“I’m not calling him Sal,” I hiss. The need to protect him from that is so strong. I want to snatch him up and turn away from the idea alone.
“No, I’m my father’s namesake. But there’s a list. Ignazio, Renato, Vitale, Luciano. All family names that have nothing to do with his father.” He looks at me, I know he understands.
“Renato. The others all leave him with awful nicknames.” I don’t think about it long, that name just sounded right when he said it. And he smiles at me.
“After my Nonna’s father, good choice. She will be very happy.”
Esme picks him up and hands him to me. “There you go little Renato, meet mommy.” She helps me hold him the right way. “We can take him back to your room with us, if you’d like to. It will be more comfortable for you to feed him. And you won’t need to stand.”
I don’t look at her. I am lost in the eyes of my son, the little boy who just made me forget anyone else exists.
I am not a widow. I’m not even me anymore. I am his mother, and nothing else matters at all. Nodding yes we start a slow walk back to my room, just down the short passage.
Rat pushes the bassinet beside me, watching us. I think he loves the baby as much as I do.
After a crash course in mothering, I am left alone with a sleeping baby and Rat. We sit in awkward silence for a few minutes.
“You can’t tell anyone you saw Sal die. They can’t find out he was at home. I did it for you. They would have hurt you and he didn’t care about that at all. Chelsey, promise me you won’t say anything.” He begs me, his voice high with fear and stress.
“I’m not going to tell anyone, Rat.” I won’t tell, there would be consequences for him. Remembering the picture I saw in his medical file, his father probably deserved what he got. “Can you go? I’m tired and need to sleep. Just go, I’m fine on my own.”
I can’t do this. There are more important things than the two of us, and the most important one is beside me, sleeping like a tiny angel.
“I’m sorry Chel’s. But, now, don’t you see we can…” his voice is pained and desperate.
“No, Rat. It’s wrong. He’s your brother. I was married to your dad. It’s wrong.” I shake my head and cry.
I’m not in control of my own feelings and I can’t stop them.
“But, I did it so we could…”
“Rat, please don’t say it. Just go. We can’t be near each other anymore. I'm going to go home to my mom and the girls. How would we explain to him who you are? You can’t be his brother and my lover, so I’m choosing for you.”