“But it did, didn’t it?”
“I know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. If he pushed me or something like that, there was always a reason—stressed from work or tired from a long day.” I defended, avoiding her question. I didn’t know if I was trying to defend Ethan or myself. “He’s never actually hit me like this before, Nat.”
“Well, the bastard certainly did this time. What are you going to do? Or should I ask, what do you want to do?”
I stared blankly at the light blue polka-dot pattern of my hospital gown.
What do I want to do?
“I’m not this woman, Nat. I’m not the kind of woman who lets her husband beat her.”
“Do you love him?”
My head snapped up to look at her.
“What kind of question is that? He’s my husband.”
“That’s not an answer, Gia.”
“Yes, I love him. And he loves me. I know he does.”
“What he’s doing isn’t love,” she said and shook her head sadly. “There are other men out there—kind and good men—who wouldn’t treat their wife this way.”
I thought back to my brief encounter with the stranger in the courtyard on my wedding day. It was odd for that to come to mind right now, for the second time that day, when my world was literally crumbling to pieces all around me. Our brief interaction should have been inconsequential, especially after all this time, yet the details from that night collected, pulled from the deep recesses of my memory.
I wished I could tell Natalia how I was completely at ease under the kind gaze of a stranger in ways I’d never been with Ethan. I rarely kept anything from my best friend but this felt too personal to share for unexplainable reasons. Nothing happened that night so long ago. It had only been a brief, casual conversation, but it felt significant—almost seismic, even now. I should have forgotten all about it, but I couldn’t stop myself from remembering. I wondered if he ever found that special woman to cherish.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I eventually said.
“You should go to the police.”
“Nat, Ethan is the police,” I scoffed.
“So what? There are laws, Gia! He can’t get away with this.”
More of Ethan’s words from earlier crashed into my consciousness.
“Nat, I don’t think you understand. My reality definitely has its challenges because Ethan is the chief of police, but the reality for the average woman isn’t much better. You hear about it on the news every day. A woman can walk into a police station, file a complaint and have her abuser arrested. After that, he can get out on bail and go after her again.”
“That’s what restraining orders are for,” Natalia quipped.
“What? That flimsy piece of paper? A woman can have all the restraining orders she wants, but it won’t stop her abuser if he wants to get to her. If he comes around, the only thing the woman can do is call the police again. My case is so much worse because I just happen to be married to a cop. If I called for help, a report wouldn’t even get filed. No cop in their right mind would want to take down a chief.”
“So, forget the report. Just leave him. You can come stay with me.”
I looked at her, finding myself at a loss for words once more. I was too embarrassed to admit I didn’t know if I could leave him. I still loved him, despite everything that happened tonight, and I couldn’t turn my feelings off that easily. I didn’t dare tell Natalia about Cynthia. It was bad enough that she knew he beat me. Admitting his infidelity to her would be a blow to my pride that could very well be worse than any physical strike Ethan could dole out. My best friend would never accept a single excuse from me if she knew he was cheating.
Emotional confusion aside, there was also the money situation to consider. I didn’t have a pot to piss in—as was proven an hour earlier when my credit card wouldn’t go through. Ethan said he wouldn’t let me leave him. I didn’t know for sure, but every aching bone in my body told me he canceled them just to remind me, he financially controlled me. In fact, he controlled everything. He held all the cards in a deck he’d strategically stacked against me.
“I should have seen this coming,” I whispered. “There were signs right from the beginning, but I just didn’t see them. Or maybe I didn’t want to see them.”
Natalia shifted her position to sit next to me on the hospital bed.
“What do you mean there were signs?”
“Signs of how controlling he was. It started right after our very first coffee date. We began texting and I thought he was amazing—perfect boyfriend material, you know? But the texting alone should have been a huge red flag. Some days, I’d receive over fifty messages—really long ones too. At one point, he told me, ‘I send you really long messages, but you only send one sentence back.’ It really bothered him, so I tried to make more of an effort. After our third date, he said he loved me.”
“I remember when you told me. You said you loved him, too, and I was worried about how hard and fast you were falling for him. Your whole life became him in just a few weeks’ time. Outside of our shifts together at Teddy’s, I barely saw you.”
“No, but Ethan knew that.” I smiled ironically. “Remember my birthday that year? We had a girl’s night out. He encouraged it, and said it was good for me to hang out with my friends. I think it was just another way for him to fake how perfect he was, so he could make his next move. Just a few nights after that, as I neared the end of my shift at Teddy’s, he came by the bar. He told me how much he wished I was going back to his place after work. I said I felt the same way, and he asked me to move in with him, just six weeks after we’d met.”
“And you said not until you were married,” Natalia mused, her eyes narrowing as she recalled the distant memories. “He brought you a gift that night, a scarf or something, right?”
“Maybe. I don’t really remember because he was always buying me something. If it wasn’t a daisy, it was a trinket of some kind. Gifts had always been important to him, although they would rarely be things I actually wanted or needed, but something expensive he wanted me to wear. It was almost as though he wanted to mold me into this idea he had in his head about what a girlfriend should look like. It bothered me a bit but I told myself I should be more appreciative of his sweet gestures.”
“If you saw all those red flags, why did you say yes when he proposed?”
“I don’t know. I think I was in love with the idea of what could be, I guess. Or maybe I was just tired of being alone. I’m not really sure of anything anymore…” I trailed off as I recalled memories that seemed to take place a lifetime ago. After we were married and moved into our house, I had immersed myself in his life even more. He took care of everything, and I let him, allowing him to provide for me in ways I’d only imagined to be possible. Natalia didn’t know the half of it. “In hindsight, every step in our relationship was made to draw me in, creating a world I’d never want to leave.”
“But now you want to leave?”
I shook my head.
“It’s not that simple, Nat. Ethan clearly needs help—our marriage needs help. I have to think this through. Leaving him was never on my radar until a few hours ago. I have to be realistic. I have no money, no job, and no education. As it stands right now, I don’t even have access to money. I’m not on any of the bank accounts. He just gives me a monthly allowance to pay for groceries and other household expenses.”