“I hear Xi breathing. And Hana… her pants. She uncrossed her legs. Both of her feet are on the floor.”
“Very good. Now, what do you smell.”
I inhaled through my nose once… twice… three times.
“Vinyl from the mats. Rubber from the ring. Soap and sweat. Someone’s deodorant… Xi’s, I think.”
“Now, tell me what you feel.”
Keeping my eyes closed, I focused my attention on my body.
“I feel my heart beating on my chest. My skin is sticky. My muscles—”
“No, Gia. That’s not what I mean. Try again. What do you feel inside?” Derek asked again, emphasizing the last word. I shook my head, too embarrassed to say it out loud, but he was persistent. “How do you feel, Gia?”
“Weak,” I admitted in a whisper.
“Lie still. Take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale, then do it again. Inhale. Exhale. In through the nose, out through the mouth.” I did as he instructed, still sensing Xi hovering over me. I detected Derek moving closer until he was able to whisper directly into my ear. “You are not weak. You are not what he says you are. Tell yourself that.”
“I am not weak. I am not what he says I am.”
“You are smart and intelligent.”
“I am smart and intelligent,” I repeated, feeling somewhat silly.
“What happened is not your fault. You did not fail.” When I didn’t copy his words immediately, Derek’s voice grew louder, and he barked, “Say it!”
“What happened is not my fault! I did not fail!”
“You are strong. You are enough. You are in charge.”
“I am strong. I am enough. I am in charge.”
“I am. Those are two very strong words. What you put after them can shape your reality. So, say it again… and say it like you mean it!” he ordered. I clenched my teeth as a sudden surge of adrenaline coursed through my body.
“I am strong! I am enough! I am in charge!”
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“He can’t hurt me anymore!”
“Good, Sparky. That’s good. Now breathe deep again and imagine this. You are down on the ground. You are at your weakest. That’s what he wants—what he preys on. Will you let him strike?”
“No.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I will attack first.”
“And if he fights back?”
“It won’t matter. I am going to be enough.”
“How are you going to make sure of that?” Derek pushed.
A sound bubbled up, detonating from some place deep in my belly and erupting into something like a growl on my lips. Before Xi could even think about what he was about to do, I was up.
“Because my life is my own, and I’m going to take it back.”
39
Derek
I watched Gianna zip up her gym bag then stand to rotate her neck to stretch the muscles. Every part of her had to hurt. As much as it killed me to know that, I knew the pain was a good thing. After four more failed attempts, she had finally taken Xi down. I was awed by her fierce determination.
“You did good, but you still have more to learn,” I told her after Hana and Xi left the room. “You should break tomorrow and let your muscles relax.”
She shook her head.
“I can’t take a break and you know it.”
I pursed my lips, annoyed by her stubbornness, but decided not to push the issue. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a small silver tube and handed it to her.
“Take this,” I instructed and slipped the four-inch metal stick into her hand.
“What is it?”
“It’s a kubotan.”
“It looks like a penlight keychain.”
“It’s meant to look that way for discretion purposes. It has a small knife hidden inside. It’s not really big enough to do any major damage, but if used properly, you could buy yourself precious seconds needed to get away from anyone who may be trying to harm you. It’s a pretty common self-defense weapon. Technically, it’s not legal, so don’t go waving it around. I don’t know Ethan but from what you’ve said, I think you should keep this on your person just in case. If you’re alone, make sure to always have this at the ready. All you have to do is unscrew the tip, flip it around, and screw it back in.”
I watched as she twisted it open and did as I instructed so the top became the handle. The hidden blade made a perfect, pocket-sized knife. She looked up at me and smiled.
“Uh, thanks, I guess. Hopefully I won’t need to use it,” she joked lightly.
“This isn’t a laughing matter, Gia. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I need you to promise me that you’ll be safe.”
Wrapping her arms around my waist, she attempted to give me a reassuring squeeze.
“Trust me, Derek. I’m trying in every way I know how.”
“Are you going to tell me where you’re staying?” When she shook her head, I released a grunt of frustration. “I don’t know why the hell you can’t trust me. I don’t see the need for all of this secrecy.”
“Don’t get mad. This isn’t about whether or not I trust you. It’s the police I don’t trust. I can’t rely on them to keep me safe. If you know where I am and they pressure you to tell them, it could get back to Ethan. Call me crazy, but I think of it as survival. I’m doing what I need to do. It’s you who needs to trust me.”
Not knowing where she was living was driving me absolutely insane. I’d barely slept in three days because of it. I suspected she might be at a woman’s shelter, but I couldn’t be sure. There were so many shelters around the city. If I started calling each one of them, I wouldn’t get far. They did a good job of hiding women from abusers. If Ethan really was watching as she suspected, I needed to be on guard as well. Any attempt I made to find her could inadvertently tip him off to her location.
Pulling her closer, I squeezed her tight. I never wanted her to leave my side. I loved this fierce little woman with every fiber of my being and couldn’t wait for the day I could tell her everything I felt for her. I wanted to protect her and keep her safe more than anything in the world. I understood her reasons for doing what she was doing, but that didn’t mean I had to like it.
“I trust you. It’s him I don’t trust,” I murmured into the top of her head. I made sure my tone was soft, but inside, I felt a raging beast fighting to be unleashed. I hated this—hated that he’d hurt her, hated that she was afraid, and most of all, I hated feeling helpless.
She looked up and placed a chaste kiss on lips.
“I have to go. I’ll call you later tonight.”
Reluctantly, I stepped back. It killed me to watch her leave the gym all alone. It was just after-dinner hour and still light outside. The streets would be crowded enough to keep her relatively safe, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. Frustrated beyond all hell, I had a sudden urge to throw something. I had tried to keep calm, but after days of worrying about Gianna’s safety, I was ready to snap.
I eyed the long punching bag in the corner of the room. Not bothering with boxing gloves, I stepped up to the bag and took a bare-fisted swing. Hitting the vinyl felt better than I expected. I’d never used a bag to work out my anger, but after the third strike, I could already feel how it was helping work through the swarm of emotions that pumped through my veins. I beat at the bag, over and over again, relishing the cathartic release with every blow.