I laugh. “Noted.” From now till the end of my days, I’ll forever make sure she gets a full eight hours of sleep.
When we finish eating, I help her clean up. She’s washing our dishes, so I walk up behind her after wiping down the table and wrap my arms around her stomach. I pull her back to my chest and press a kiss to her shoulder. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and catch up on some sleep?”
“That’s a good idea. I already finished my tasks for the day—as long as nobody’s computer crashes.”
“I’m sure they can manage,” I whisper against her soft skin.
“Okay, if you insist.”
“I do.” I lean around her and press a kiss to her mouth. “I’ll be back after dinner.”
“Come on, Sheriff Moore. Come out and celebrate with us. It’s my last night here,” Ben says.
“Alright, one drink,” I agree. The guys start piling out of my office, so I grab my phone and call Nina.
“Hello?” she answers.
“Hey, baby. I just wanted to call and tell you that I’m going to be a little late tonight. It’s Ben’s last day, so we’re all going for a round of drinks.”
“Aww, I didn’t know he was leaving. Where’s he going?”
“He got the job in Denver.”
“Okay, well…tell him I said good luck.”
“How exactly am I supposed to do that? You’re out sick, remember?”
“Oh yeah. Well, don’t tell him anything. I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Okay, baby.” I hang up the phone and grab my jacket, ready to hit the bar with my guys.
We make it to the bar, and the place is mostly dead, which is good because it gives us more room. The guys get a round of beer, and I order a glass of bourbon, then we all sit around the big round table. Everyone is telling Ben how much they’re going to miss him, what a pleasure it was to have worked with him, and how he’s going to do great work in the city. All I can think about is all the dangers that await him there. I don’t want to scare the kid out of moving on and bettering himself, but things in the city aren’t anything like what we have going on in this town. I send up a silent prayer that he’ll be alright.
“So, boss, tell me what to expect,” he says, leaning forward on the table and holding his beer with both hands.
I let out a laugh. “Nah, I don’t want to scare you,” I say, taking a sip.
All the guys laugh like I’m just giving him shit.
“Come on. I need to be prepared, right?”
I think about it for a minute. Maybe he’s right. I don’t want to hold him back or scare him, but he does have a right to know. “Being a police officer in the city is dangerous. Wearing that badge on your chest is like wearing a target. Now, don’t get me wrong. The city is mostly made up of people just like you and me—people who want to live a good life and who just want to provide for their families. But every city has its bad apples. And the city is bigger, so you get more of them. But these aren’t the type of guys you’d see around here. These are gangs, drug addicts, alcoholics—people who don’t care to see you hurt and who won’t even take you into account when it comes to taking what they want. And they won’t go around you. They’ll go through you. But every day we put on this uniform, we’re making the decision to protect those good people at all costs. Every time we put on this badge, we know it may be the last. It doesn’t matter if you’re here or there, being a police officer means you’re ready to put your life on the line. Remember that, and you’ll never take a day for granted.”
Everyone around the table suddenly looks shocked, surprised that I laid it all out for them. Most of them probably have never had the thought that today could be their last. Living in a small town like this is like living under a security blanket. Everyone knows everyone, and any of the neighbors would risk their life for yours. In the city, it’s every man for himself when you’re an officer going up against some of the worst criminals.
Jeff gets up and leaves the table to go to the bathroom. Jerry and Mike go to hit up the bar, and Joe and Nathan go to the pool table, leaving me alone with Ben.
“You sure you wanna do this?” I ask, raising my glass and taking another drink.
He looks nervous now, the excitement of celebrating worn off. “I don’t know now, after that speech.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you, but I thought you had the right to know. And let me point out that not every day will be like that. Most days will be good with normal traffic stops, settling an argument in a grocery store, and helping an old lady cross the street. But the bad days, those will be there too. And it only takes one really bad day to change your life forever. But the worst part is not knowing what kind of day today is going to be. You can drive yourself crazy with worry, but then you won’t enjoy the good days. The worry will turn every day into a bad day. So, my question to you is, can you enjoy the good days? Or are you the type who focuses on the negative? Because if you can’t let the bad go, the city will chew you up and spit you out.” I finish off the glass. “What kind of guy are you, Ben?”
He doesn’t answer, and I don’t expect one. This isn’t the kind of question you just blurt out the first answer that comes to mind. This is the kind of question that makes you think and do some soul searching. With the question hanging in the air, I push myself back and head toward the bar, wanting to give him a few minutes alone to think about what he really wants.
I pay the tab the guys have racked up before hitting the road, wanting to be with Nina. She acted off today, and a part of me wonders if it has anything to do with last night. I didn’t mean to make her worry, but the truth is, when I was up on that mountain, my only thought was getting the man to the hospital. I didn’t think she’d search for me, or that she’d be sitting up half the night worrying. I’ve been on my own for so long now that those thoughts don’t even pop into my head when I’m on the job.
Just like I told the guys, every day I put on this badge, I’m making the decision to put my job ahead of my life. When I’m working, I don’t allow myself to think of family, friends, or now, the woman I love. I can’t. I would never be able to function. When you’re in a situation, your head needs to be clear. It just makes me wonder if I’m the right kind of guy for Nina. She deserves someone who can and will drop everything for her. I can’t do that. Just seeing how upset she got last night when I wasn’t in any danger at all makes me wonder if she’s even strong enough to be in this with me.
But I know one thing. I tried so hard not to notice her that the one thing I forgot to do was not fall in love with her. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve fallen head over heels in love with Nina Waters, and the thought alone scares the shit out of me. How will this affect my daily life on the force? Every time I run into a dangerous situation, will she be all I can think about? If so, I’m going to end up getting myself killed. But I know I’d die without her. If I couldn’t touch her every time I saw her, my heart would break.
I know I’m not the man she needs. I have a dangerous job, I’m too old for her, and I’m thoughtless. The question is, can I let her go? Can I be selfless? Can I take the pressure of letting her find her true soulmate while stepping back?