She just smiles up at me with her blue teeth.
I laugh and shake my head. “Go into the bathroom and clean yourself up. I’ll clean up the table and floor…and chair.”
She runs off and I begin putting the cupcakes back into their box and wiping down every surface she’s come in contact with.
Later in the day, Margo has been fed and bathed. She is now working on some art at the table while I clean up after dinner. She comes running into me with a paper in her hand.
“Daddy, Daddy.” She tugs on my shirt.
“What?” I ask, closing the dishwasher.
“I made Violet a thank you card for the cupcakes. Can we take it to her?”
I laugh and look at my watch. “Honey, it’s going on eight o’clock. I don’t think Violet is there. But I’ll tell you what. If you clean up your mess and get in bed, we’ll go by there in the morning and get some donuts for breakfast. And then you can give her the paper.”
She smiles and runs off back to the table to clean up.
She’s sound asleep by eight thirty, leaving me to my own devices now. It’s strange. Before, I felt I didn’t even have enough time for sleep. Now, I feel like I don’t know what to do with all this time, especially when Margo is occupied. I stare up at the TV screen but can’t really watch it. I’m lost in my own thoughts. I’m tired but not tired enough to sleep. My body doesn’t feel tired, just my mind. It’s like I’ve been having a mental fight with myself for the last three years. No matter how much I sleep, it never goes away.
I turn off the light and lie down on the couch, hoping the darkness will help relax me enough so I start to feel tired. Some movie is playing on the screen, and I watch it without really watching it. I keep my eyes on it, but my mind is free to wonder. I think about the new house, how different it is from Chicago, all my plans I have regarding starting the new business, and, as always, Margo. Will she be happy here? Will she like the school here? But sure enough, the one thing I’ve been trying to avoid pops back into my head. Violet.
I know I shouldn’t, but I let my mind wonder when it comes to her. I can see our first kiss. I imagine it happening out on the dock underneath a dark sky with a million shining stars. I’ve just given her a ride on the boat, and the whole night felt romantic and charged. She turns to face me to thank me for the ride or to say she has to leave, I’m not sure. But then I lean forward, capturing her lips with mine. At first, she’s shocked, her lips unmoving, but she warms up to it, and she pulls me against her, kissing me harder, faster. I can see myself picking her up against me and moving us to the Chaise outside. I lay her down and cover her body with mine. She feels good pressed against me; she feels right.
My body begins to come alive with the mental images, and it snaps me out of it. I roll my eyes at myself and groan, forcing myself to watch what’s playing on the TV this time, leaving no room for my mind to wander.
When I feel tired enough to sleep, I shut off the TV and go to my bedroom, falling into bed and bringing the pillows all around me. Sleeping alone will never be something I get used to, but if I’m tired enough, it’s not impossible. Before I know it, I’m drifting into a deep sleep.
I’m sitting at my desk in my home office when I hear the front door open.
“Cason, Margo, I’m home,” she yells, and I get up and walk into the living room where Violet is standing, holding several grocery bags.
“I missed you,” I say, leaning in for the bags but giving her a quick kiss as I take them.
She kisses me back and giggles. “I missed you too. Where’s Margo?”
“Margs!” I shout, walking the items into the kitchen.
Margo comes running down the stairs, straight into Violet’s arms. “You’re finally back,” she says, hugging her tightly.
Violet laughs. “Was an hour too long for you?”
Margo nods.
“Well, I’m sorry, but I got you something.” She carries her into the kitchen and reaches into one of the bags, pulling out a cookie decorating kit. All the cookies are in the shapes of pumpkins, ghosts, and bats for Halloween.
“Yay!” Margo squeals, taking the plastic container and looking at it more closely.
“After dinner, we’ll decorate them. Okay?”
Margo smiles and nods. “Okay. Thank you, Mommy.”
Violet smiles and hugs her tightly, but that mommy comment has my hair standing on end. She’s never called Violet that before, and it makes me worry that maybe she’s getting a little too comfortable.
Violet places her on her feet, and she runs back into the other room. I move over to capture her in my arms this time, placing a hand on either side of her and trapping her. “What was that about?” I ask, my lips only centimeters away from hers.
She shrugs. “She asked if she could call me that, and I didn’t want to tell her no.”
“Are you okay with that? Being called Mommy seems kind of permanent, you know.”
She reaches up and wraps her arms around my neck. “I know, and I’m okay with it as long as you are.”
I smile. “Oh, I’m more than okay with it,” I tell her, moving in and kissing her lips hard and full of passion. I pull her tighter against my chest, my hands finding the small of her back before moving down to squeeze her ass.
She lets out a squeal when I pick her up against me. Her legs wrap around my hips as I move her over to the table, setting her down.
Margo is suddenly nowhere to be found, so I don’t worry when I start removing Violet’s clothes in the middle of the kitchen. I free myself from my jeans and position myself at her entrance. With one thrust, I’m sliding into her scorching heat, overwhelmed with the need to explode.
I wake, and my body is covered in a sheen of sweat. My heart is racing, and my lungs can’t get enough oxygen. That dream felt real, even though at the time, I knew I was dreaming. I could feel her heat as I held her against me. I could feel her soft lips on mine. I could feel the overwhelming need to explode. But I guess that’s just my body’s way of telling me to bleed the valve. I haven’t been with a woman in years, not since my wife. Being a man, my body has needs, and if they’re ignored, it will try to take care of them itself. That’s all that dream was. It doesn’t mean that I feel any certain way about Violet or that in the back of my mind, I’m planning on her being a replacement for Kate.
Once I remind myself of that, I’m able to take control of my body, to calm myself down. I look over at the clock and see that it’s going on six a.m. Might as well get up now. I trudge to the connected bathroom and turn on the shower. I avoid the mirror and my haggard appearance as I step in beneath the hot flow of water. I hang my head and let the water flow over it, my eyes fluttering shut.
Behind my lids, I see my wife—my late wife. I see her soft ivory skin as she moves beneath me, and my body comes alive again. Apparently, this isn’t a problem that’s going to go away, so I take myself in hand, giving into the vision of the time I had with my wife. I hear her soft moans, feel her soft lips on my neck. As my hand moves faster, my release starts to form like a growing balloon in my stomach.
Just as my release rises to the surface, the vision changes. It’s no longer my wife that I’m with. It’s her, Violet. Her black hair is fanned out across my pillows, her dark eyes are on mine, and her thick, plump lips parted as moans escape. It’s too late to stop it. My release breaks free and flows hot and heavy onto the shower floor.