I’m breathing heavy, and my heart is racing as I try to get myself under control. I place my hand against the shower wall and lean against it, trying to calm my body and my mind as a sudden panic rises when I think about what I just did. In the three years my wife has been gone, I have not slept, touched, or even thought about any other woman. Why now? Why this woman? Is it impossible to just be friends with her and let Margo have a solid relationship with another woman without wanting to fuck it all up? I hate myself more than I can explain or even understand. I feel angry, confused, weak. I should be able to keep myself in check, but as soon as I think I do, she comes sliding back through the small cracks that have formed in me. It’s like I can’t escape her. The hate I feel for myself turns into hate for her. Why is she doing this to me? Can’t she see how broken I am? Can’t she understand the pain and hurt that I go through on a daily basis? Is this what she wants? Does she want to take over my every thought?
No, don’t be ridiculous. She’s a nice woman who’s only trying to make you and your daughter feel at home. Don’t twist this into something it’s not, I tell myself. The worst part is, I have to see her again today. I promised Margo we’d go there for breakfast so she could give her the thank you card she made. Will I even be able to look at her without remembering that dream and what I’ve just done?
I have to push it to the back of my mind.
I get out and get dressed for the day. I head to the kitchen and start a pot of coffee. Margo will probably sleep for another couple of hours, so while I enjoy my coffee, I head into my home office to start unpacking it and getting it in order.
I hook up my computer and hardware, then move on to unpacking the couple of boxes of office supplies I have. With everything in order, I turn the computer on and check my email, which I’ve been ignoring lately. I find an email from my dad, and I open it, finding a link. I click the link and see that he’s built the website for the boat company I’ve been talking about starting up. The website looks good and professional, but it’s not something that I need right now, specially since I haven’t made up my mind one-hundred-percent yet.
“Daddy, donut,” Margo says, walking into the office.
I laugh and shake my head. “It’s still a little early, honey. Why don’t you go watch some TV and wake up, and I’ll pour you a glass of milk? We’ll leave soon, okay?”
She nods, rubs her eyes, yawns, and walks out.
I push my chair away from my desk and go to the kitchen to pour her a glass of milk. I hand it over to her and sit at her side. “How did you sleep?”
She offers up a sleepy smile. “Good. I dreamed about Violet.”
That takes me by surprise. “What was the dream about?”
“I told you…Violet.” She’s always short and to the point first thing in the morning.
I laugh. “Well, what did you and Violet do in the dream?”
She sighs, clearly tired of talking with me already. “You took me to her bakery, and she let me help her in the kitchen. I made cupcakes and donuts and pies! It was fun. We had a fight where we threw white powder at each other, and the whole kitchen was covered in white dust.” She giggles, remembering the dream.
I smile at her sweetness. “That does sound like fun, but I wouldn’t want to clean up that mess.”
She giggles more but trains her eyes on the TV.
“Well,” I say, standing up and ruffling her hair. “When you’re ready, we’ll get you dressed and head to town.”
“Yay! I’m ready. Let’s go,” she says, jumping up and running for the stairs.
I shake my head and laugh as I follow her up to get her clothes, which are hanging too high in the closet for her to reach.
After she dresses, I pull her long, dark curls into a high ponytail—pretty much the only hair style I can do—and we load up in the truck. She’s holding onto Violet’s picture, and she’s wide-eyed, taking everything in on our drive. I park the truck at the side of the building, and by the time I make it over to her side, she’s already running toward the door.
Five
Violet
The door opens quickly, and I spin around to see what’s going on.
“Violet, Violet,” Margo yells as she runs in the door and to the counter. She holds up a piece of paper. “I made this for you!”
I smile, leaning down and noticing Carson walking in behind her. I take the paper and look over it. I gasp. “Look how beautiful that is. You drew this all by yourself?” I ask.
Her eyes widen, and a smile takes over as she nods her head up and down. “Yep! I did it last night, but Daddy made me wait until today to bring it over.” She shoots him a dirty look.
“Thank you, Margo. I love it. In fact,” I say, standing up right and spinning around, “I’m going to hang it right here for everyone to see.” I break off a piece of tape and hang it to the wall, right under the clock.
She smiles proudly.
“Sorry,” Carson says. “She wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to bring her over. I hope we’re not bothering you.” I notice the way his eyes drop, taking me in. He quickly catches himself checking me out and positions them right at my face.
I wave my hand through the air. “It’s no bother at all. I love my picture very much. Thank you, Margo.”
She smiles, but she’s already too distracted with all the goodies in the case.
“Tell ya what, how about as a thank you for the picture, I’ll let you pick one goodie out of the case?”
She claps and jumps up and down as she checks out the selection more seriously this time since she can only choose one.
“I think I want…that one.” She points at the chocolate eclair.
“Good choice. These are my favorite.” I reach into the case with tissue paper, pick it up, and hand it over.
She takes it happily and, without wasting any time, takes a big bite. Chocolate smooshes all over her face on both sides of her mouth, and I can’t hold back my giggle.
Carson joins in, but when I look at him, he’s tearing his eyes from me again, directing them back to Margo. I wonder why he keeps doing that? Is he simply checking me out? Does he maybe want to ask me something but keeps changing his mind?
“So what are my two favorite people up to today?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling nervous about the way he keeps looking at me.
“Daddy says he has to work in the garage today, so I have to sit in there all day.” She rolls her eyes.
I smile and look up at Carson. He shrugs. “I have to get some work done and you can’t be in the house all alone.”
She sighs. “Can’t Violet come over? She can sit with me and we can play.”
My eyes suddenly meet his. “Oh, uh…well, Violet has to work, right?” he asks, pulling his brows together.
“Well, I mean, Jane is here and she can handle everything. If you want me to, I can.”
“No, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” he says, brushing it off.
But Margo has other ideas. “Come on, Dad. She said she could,” she nearly begs.
I smile. “Really, it’s no problem. I’d love to play with you today, Margo.” I bend down to her level now.