I consider briefly whether I should lie, but at this point, she’d know.
“Yes.”
Esther’s resolution wavers. Her aura shifts from the fear of ice to the splintering of glass.
“This isn’t about whether or not Belrosa deserves it,” I say. “It’s not about her. It’s about you, and whether or not you can live with yourself.”
Esther stares at me hard.
“You knew our father better than anyone,” I say. “Would he want you to become a killer?”
I don’t need an answer to sense the softening of her aura, the anger melting and falling away, the heavy grief crawling to replace it. She relaxes and falls silent.
Hat stands now, as though it’s her turn for outrage. “We should confront her. As a group. She can’t do what she did to me or to Glenquartz.”
I shake my head. “No. You don’t understand. You’re trying to help, but you don’t understand. I shouldn’t have even told you.”
“Not tell me?” She glowers.
“I want to protect you from things like this and from people like that!” I say.
“You can’t do that, Coin,” she says. “You can’t protect me from everything.”
“Why the hell not?” I demand. “I grew up in fear and anger! That was my whole life, and it was all I knew. Then I was alone until…until you came to me and asked me to teach you how to be brave. I don’t want this for you, Hat.”
“You turned out fine,” Hat says.
“No, I didn’t,” I say. “I’m broken. And yes, I may have found a way to be happy sometimes, but I’m not a happy person. Not like you are.”
Hat narrows her eyes, annoyed. “I’m not just happy by nature. You know that, right?”
I stare at her. “Of course you are. You have this inherent optimism that I don’t have.”
Hat nearly scoffs. “Then you don’t understand me at all! You think I was happy to live out on the streets and spend every night in that house full of kids who are so competitive with each other that none of us have any real friends? You think it’s easy for me to spend every day with you, knowing that you can only bear to have me around for half the day before you send me back to Marcher? No. All of that hurts. The whole world hurts. I can’t stop it or control it. But it’s like you said to me after you saved me. You have to let things make you strong instead of damaged. You have to choose how the world shapes you.”
I open my mouth to speak, but she keeps going.
“So, yeah, I choose to be happy,” she says. “I make an effort to wake up each morning in the best mood I can, because I know it will go downhill if I let it. I don’t want to end up like those Nameless who sit on the corners of stoops, staring at nothing and starving to death because the world doesn’t care about them and they’ve forgotten how to care for themselves. I want friends. I want a family. I want to learn how to take care of myself and be as badass as you are. So don’t think anything is easy, because nothing is. Stop acting like happiness is something you can’t have.” Hat huffs in frustration, and she stalks away from me. She stands at the far end of the room, staring out the window.
“The Assassins’ Festival is in thirteen days,” I say gently. “We only have twelve days to prepare. I’ve spent…most of my life on my own. Even when I probably shouldn’t have.” I glance guiltily at Hat, and even though she’s picking at some dried wax on the writing desk, she’s listening.
I continue, “I’m asking for your help. For all of your help. Belrosa has manipulated me twice with a single touch. She tried to kill Hat in front of hundreds of spectators. She arranged the riots and the fires, all to undermine me and prepare the city to accept military rule. People have died. I don’t want more people to die, and I don’t want to face this alone. Belrosa is expecting me to duel her and lose, and the lives of innocent people hang in the balance. Please help me.”
“Of course,” Glenquartz says, bowing his head.
“Absolutely,” Esther says.
Hat walks over and puts an arm tentatively around me, until she has slipped into a hug. “Yes.”
CHAPTER 20
We spend the rest of the day coming up with the plan for the festival. Then, over the next week, it’s nonstop drills of hand-to-hand combat with Glenquartz and practicing magic with Esther; then we start combining the two. All the while, the Royal Council thinks I’m attending etiquette lessons with Eldritch Weathers, and everyone—including Belrosa—still thinks Esther and I hate each other. The council is content if I decide to keep my head down until the festival, and Belrosa probably thinks I’m scared of her. Good. Let them be wrong.
“You know,” I say to Esther, “if you’d asked me a month ago to fight you, I would’ve gladly accepted.” I test my footing on the matted floor.
“You weren’t my biggest supporter,” she says. “But for good reason. I wasn’t supportive of you, either. Our relationship was precarious at best, volatile at worst.”
“If you can just keep channeling your inner pretentious Royal, that’ll make this a lot easier.” I crack my knuckles.
“What do you mean, ‘pretentious’?” Esther says. “I am simply—”
I cut her off, holding up a finger. “Starting a sentence with ‘I am simply’ is pretty much all the evidence I need.”
She lets out a low growl.
I continue, “Glenquartz has been teaching me how to spar for weeks now, so why do we need to do this? I want you to keep teaching me magic. Besides, I don’t think the former princess of Seriden is qualified to—”
The next breath is blown from my chest. I don’t even see it happen. All I know is I’m on the floor.
“Did you just…?” I say as I try to breathe.
“Sternum punch?” Esther says cheerily. “Glenquartz said that was payback. I grew up thinking I was going to be queen one day, and you’ve only known it for about five weeks. I’ve been training my entire life to win duels.” She cocks her head patiently to the side, not offering to help me up.
I consider whether a well-placed kick to her leg would bring her down to my level, but instead she skips away.
“Are you sure you can’t read my thoughts?” I ask as I prop myself up on my knees.
“Very sure,” she says. “Reading thoughts only works with physical contact, and you’re Nameless, so I can’t sense anything from you. Which gives you an advantage, actually.” She extends a gloved hand to help me up.