It wasn’t the inquisition I was scared of. It was because this was it, the test of all tests. This conversation represented a linchpin holding the swinging door separating the old Cooper and the new. Once that door flew toward the new me, opening up that reality for my parents to see—for all to see—there would be no swinging it back.
The telltale sign that Mom knew something was up came via her twisting the apron she wore between her fingers. The meat loaf she had yet to bake, a bowl of potatoes that needed mashing, and a pile of washed-and-ready string beans all remained forgotten on the counter.
“They won’t have to cook for days,” my mother said when Ricky appeared with the sack of food.
“Becks will appreciate that,” I responded.
Wordlessly, Ricky walked past me to plop the bag on the island before shoving his hands into his pockets in wait. He looked to me for guidance, of which I had none. I did know that I had to get it over with, quick and fast, truthful and direct. There was no point in beating around the bush, not when my father had the privilege of seeing us kissing three minutes ago.
“So… I need to tell you guys something,” I said, cowardly focusing on my mother.
“I knew something was wrong.” She abandoned her apron for a dish towel instead. “I could sense it in my bones.”
“Nothing is wrong, Mom. It just might be a bit shocking is all.” My father sighed, making me assume my claim reminded him of what he’d witnessed. “Um… so…” Even Ricky looked anxious over what I would say, and he knew what was coming. “Okay…” I started again. “Ricky and I…” I stopped to check on Dad one more time and then regretted that I had when I found him staring down at the ground. “Ricky and I… are seeing each other.”
My father continued to stare blankly, but my mother flipped her head from man to man to man in confusion. “You… and Ricky?” she asked. “How did this happen?”
Since I had no clue how to answer that, I instead focused on when. “At Sam and Lydia’s wedding.”
“Four months ago? And we’re only now being told?” Her voice became more hysterical with each word. “Have you been with other men? Have you been living a double life, afraid to tell us?”
Adamantly shaking my head, I whispered a dramatic, “No. It wasn’t like that. I promise.” There was no point mentioning the times I had fooled around in college, but her baffled expression forced me to add, “Mom, please let me explain.”
I walked closer to gently take her hand, lead her to the table, and force us to sit across from my father. Although reluctantly, Ricky followed and, instead of sitting, leaned against the wall behind me.
Drawing courage from his support, I dragged in a deep breath and told them everything. How every failed relationship had made me feel like a farce. How meeting a perfect woman like Riana had worsened my confidence in finding love. I even told them how Ricky had seemed to slip through my defenses and how those moments we’d shared had stayed with me long after we were apart. I admitted the spiral of confusion it had all caused and that no one had infiltrated my subconscious like Ricky had, even from miles away.
“That was when I knew something wasn’t right… with where I searched for love, or with who. And still, I spent months denying the truth, avoiding the truth. Once I got down here, I stopped kidding myself.”
“So you’re bisexual?” Mom asked, searching my face for answers. “All those girlfriends you had were real relationships, weren’t they, Cooper?”
I could feel Ricky’s blue eyes drilling into the back of my head. For whatever reason, my mind went to Dr. Lair’s aversion toward labeling sexuality.
“Yes, they were real… and I cared about them, especially Riana. But there was always something missing. It never occurred to me what that something was until I found it. I felt it…” I paused, hoping they understood what I was trying to say. Until recently, I myself had assumed that I had to be bisexual since I’d been with women and enjoyed their company. But now, after being with Ricky, knowing I never ever had felt such a connection to a woman before meant one thing.
Making my decision, I took both their hands in mine and said the words I had never voiced out loud. “I’m gay.” I glanced over my shoulder at Ricky and smiled. And whether it was the smile I gave him or the fact it was over, he winked back and my heart soared.
Waiting as my mother and father sat quietly, they first looked at one another, then at Ricky, and then at me. I practically held my breath, and the anxiety coursing through me was obvious in my stiff posture, the flush I felt on my face, and the clamminess of my palms.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, needing to say something.
“Oh, darling, what for?” my mother asked just as softly. “Did you think we wouldn’t support you?” Tears shimmered in her eyes as a sad smile spread. “Is that why you didn’t tell us sooner?”
“No, Mom. It’s because I wasn’t ready to. I meant it when I said I’d been in denial for a long time.”
“Cooper.” My father snapped out of his trance, cleared his throat, and covered our entwined hands with his free one. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry for letting my shock send the wrong message. In my defense, I had no idea… and I acted like an ass.”
“I know, Dad. I’m sorry you had to find out that way.” When my mother looked at me, confused, I added, “Dad opened the door and saw Ricky and me kissing.”
“Oh,” she breathed out, now understanding what had led to all this. “Were you not planning on telling us today?”
“No,” I admitted, and she frowned. “You guys are here to meet your granddaughter, and that’s the joyous occasion you need to focus on. But I did plan on telling you during your stay.” I slipped my hands from theirs and folded them, pressing my thumbs on the bridge of my nose. “If I had to be honest, though, I probably would’ve waited until the day you left so as to not ruin your time here.”
“Ruin our time here?” she asked incredulously before scolding, “Cooper James Stanton!” No different from when I was five. “We don’t care who you love… just that you do.”
“Love?” I shook my head and huffed, “Mom…” I was about to clarify it wasn’t like that with Ricky and me, set them straight before they ran away with an illusion no different from what Rebecca already had. But before I voiced that, Ricky clasped a firm hand on my shoulder. With that one simple gesture, that argument left my body along with every bit of self-imposed angst I carried. Looking back now, it was unnecessary to deny who I was as forcibly as I had. Ricky saw something in me.
I loved him for that.
Christ. I loved him.
I loved Ricky.
Meanwhile, during my epiphany, my father tugged on my hand where it rested on the table until we stood face-to-face, and he wrapped me in a firm hold. “We love you, son. Always.”
That served as an invite for my mother to scurry around the table and join us with tears now streaming down her face. “Never, ever doubt that, Cooper.” She twisted away to pull Ricky closer and squeezed his hand affectionately. “You’ve been a best friend to our daughter, Ricky. You’re already part of the family. And thank you for being here for our son. This couldn’t have been easy on him… or you.”