“You need time for the show? Or to go over what your parents are putting you through?”
“Maybe all of that? I don’t know. I’m so afraid for the shoe to drop. Because you know my parents are going to try something. They want what my grandmother gave me. Sometimes, I feel like it would be easier if I just gave it to them.”
I moved a step forward and took her hand. “We both know that’s not the right answer. The law is on your side. Your parents will drop the suit.”
She let out a laugh that didn’t hold any humor. “We both know that’s a lie. My parents are never going to stop until they get what they want. Look what they did to us. They made you believe I was some horrible person, and we both walked away because of it. They’re going to do something more. I know it. They’re going to try to hurt you or your family to get at me. And I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.”
I swallowed hard, trying to keep up.
“Everything is moving so fast. I haven’t even had time to grieve, and now I have to deal with the stupidity that is this suit. They’re contesting the will. They’re saying that I did horrible things to get my grandmother to give me everything. And I didn’t even want it. I only wanted her. I moved away from my parents and her because I couldn’t stand being near the people who raised me. But I ended up putting distance between myself and the one person in my family I thought was really mine.”
“She knew you loved her. And she loved you. She wrote about it in the will.”
“And all it’s doing is creating more rifts between my family and me. I’m just so tired, Nate. Between that and the show, it’s a lot.”
Something hovering beneath her words worried me, and I swallowed hard, afraid of what would happen if I turned over that stone.
“I’m here. You’re not alone. All of us are here for you. Why don’t we go back to the living room, get you some wine, and talk about it? Get everything out.” Was I talking too fast? Could she hear the fear in my voice?
“Nate. I don’t think it’s going to be enough. Don’t you see? Everything is happening so fast, and I can’t keep up. And I’m so afraid that if I make the wrong choice, make another mistake, I’m going to lose everything and everyone. My parents have done so much, and it’s hurt me. It breaks everybody in their path. I’m terrified if I take the wrong step, I’ll turn into them and it’ll hurt me, too.”
I shook my head. “You are not them. You could never be.”
“I ran when it got too hard before, and I lost you. I let myself believe that I could love again and now look at us.”
I paused. “What are you talking about, Myra?”
“Look at us. We’re right back where we started. Everything’s moving so fast, and I can’t keep up. I’m so afraid that I’m going to fuck up.”
“Stop it. You’re not going to fuck up. You are not fucking up.”
“Nate. I messed up so badly before. I didn’t... I just let myself fall into my parents’ trap, and they’re going to hurt you. They’re going to find a way to hurt you, or your family, or our friends. And I don’t know how to stop that from happening.”
“You’re not alone in this. Stop it, Myra. Can’t you see that I’m not going anywhere? I fucking love you, Myra West.”
We both froze, the words having ripped from me.
Her whole body went pale, her mouth dropping open. I felt like someone had punched me in the chest.
“Nate.”
“No, don’t say anything. Don’t make it look as if I hit you when I told you I loved you.”
“You loved me before. You don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling now. It’s moving too fast.”
I cursed and pulled away from her, pacing across her studio. “It hasn’t been that fast. We’ve been in each other’s lives for over a year now.”
“We only learned the truth a few weeks ago. It’s fast, Nate. We’re not there. We can’t be. If we go too fast again, we’ll break like before. And I can’t have that happen. I can’t hurt you. Or lose everything because we’re not thinking clearly enough.”
I whirled on her, rage pounding within me even though I tried to push it back. “I get that you’re scared, but you don’t get to tell me how to feel.”
“If you love me, that means you’re going to be hurt even more when this breaks apart. You can’t love me. We have to be friends. That’s the only way we can’t be hurt.”
“That’s a fucking lie. Because it hurts right now, Myra.” That was an understatement. It felt as if she’d sliced me with her words, each one cutting and baring part of me I could never hide again.
And the thing was…I knew she was only doing it to hurt herself. This wasn’t about me. This was about her and her pain. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see a way through it.
“Why is this so hard for you?” I said again. “Why can’t you think through what your parents are doing to you? They’re not pulling us apart right now. You’re doing it.”
“I’m not ready, Nate. I can’t be on your timetable. I need to think things through and try to make sure that nobody gets hurt in the end. Because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
“What do you think love is? It’s that big breath you take when you’re finally able to trust that someone will always be there for you.”
“But nobody’s ever been there for me before,” she shouted back. “How am I supposed to believe in that now? Why can’t we just take some more time to be sure? I need to be sure.”
“You’re not making any fucking sense.”
“We thought we loved each other before, Nate. But we didn’t trust each other enough to believe in that. I don’t want to make that mistake again. If we cut ties and not let our relationship move forward now, then we can still be in each other’s lives. No one has to get broken from this.”
“Are you even hearing yourself? You don’t even make any sense.”
“I have to make sense. I care about you, Nate. I don’t want to lose the family that we’ve made. But if my parents do something or figure out what your feelings truly are, it’ll be harder to walk away later.”
“Seriously, are you listening to yourself?”
“Stop pushing me. I can’t be on your timetable.”
“Then I need to go. Because I fucking love you, and apparently, you don’t love me.”
“Nate.”
“No. Once you figure out what the fuck you’re thinking, I might be around. But you’re wrong. If we decide to leave each other now or later, it’s going to hurt no matter what. There’s no hiding from that.”
“Then why were we even together in the first place?”
“I’m starting to question that, too.”
She covered her face with her hands, her whole body shaking. “We fell into this, and it’s moved quickly. Why can’t we simply take some time to breathe and figure out exactly what we’re feeling without all of the mess of hormones, need, and lust?”
“Because feelings don’t work like that, Myra. You can’t all be icy and cold and practical when it comes to emotions.”