“No kidding.” Emma winces. “I can only imagine.”
“Guess I learned that letting people in gives them the power to hurt you. And they will hurt you. So I threw up some walls, figuring I could protect myself or whatever. Which they did—the walls did work for a while. But over time, I realized that keeping people out also meant not letting anyone in. I didn’t let anyone know me, and I was lonely as hell.” I swallow when I see Em’s eyes fill with tears. “And then I met you. You live fearlessly, and even though it took a hot minute for the message to get through my thick skull, you eventually inspired me to do the same. You’re different in all the right ways. I fucking adore that about you.”
Emma blinks, hard, eyelashes fluttering. “You’re killing me, Samuel.”
“I know,” I say, managing a smirk despite the lump in my throat. “So tell me to fuck off and I’ll leave you alone. You’ll break my goddamn heart, but if you can’t see a way for us to be together, then say the word and I’ll never bring this up again. But I really do believe this is a risk worth taking. Take it with me. Please. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to fuck you without a condom. I want to be yours, Em.”
She sniffles. Shit, she’s crying. I reach over and catch a tear with my thumb. My body ignites at the contact. Judging by the way Emma’s breath catches, she feels it too. The spark that remains alive between us despite the very real obstacles keeping us apart.
“But how? How would we make that work? And what would it look like?”
I gently thumb her chin, urging her to look up at me. “We take it one day at a time. We communicate. We gotta be intentional about everything, even the smallest decisions. Basically, we do what we can to explore this thing between us while minimizing the impact if—”
“If shit blows up in our faces.” She digs her teeth into her bottom lip. “What then?”
I tug at that lip with my thumb. “We figure it out. Look, I wish I had a better answer for you. I know I’ve hurt you before, but I promise to try my best to never do it again. I’m done bullshitting people, you most of all. I’m done being angry and stupid. Will it suck if things don’t work out? Yeah, absolutely. But could it be amazing if they do? Fuck. Yes.”
She grins at that. “I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. And I appreciate your honesty, Samuel. Really, I do. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is, you being so up front about where you’re at and what you want. It’s kind of the biggest turn-on ever.”
I reach for her free hand and put it on my chubby. She wags her brows. I growl.
“You’re killing me,” I say.
“I know,” she replies. Her eyes flash with heat. For half a second, I really do think she’ll set her coffee down and climb me like a tree and end this conversation with a quickie fuck on the counter.
Instead, she pulls her hand away and sips her coffee, taking a beat to gather herself. When she looks back, her eyes tell a different story. One that has me feeling hopeful and scared all at once.
“But here’s the thing, Samuel. I have a hell of a lot more to lose than you do. The risk we’d each be taking isn’t equal. Emotionally, yes, we both risk getting burned. But think about the professional and financial side of the equation.” Her eyes flick to the kitchen around us. “You don’t need your job. I do.”
The words are on the tip of my tongue. What if I promise to be the one to resign if we can’t make it work?
But something stops me from saying them. That would be a tidy solution to the problem. Whatever happened, I could take the blame and quietly go away, leaving Emma to crush it as both the wine and the food director here at the resort. She could go on working. And I could—
What? What the hell would I do?
I tug a hand over my face. It’s important for Emma to keep her job, and I get that. She doesn’t have the financial cushion I do to weather any storms.
But this job is important to me too. In different ways, granted, but it would still hurt like hell to lose it.
“There’s a way we can both win,” I say, as much to myself as to Emma. “There’s gotta be. If anyone can figure that out, it’s us. Who’s to say we can’t keep our professional relationship amicable if our personal one doesn’t work out?”
She cuts me a look. “You’d really want to work side by side, day in and day out, after the horrific breakup we’ll inevitably have if it happens?”
I sip my coffee, averting my gaze. “What makes you think it’ll be horrific?”
“Because. Whatever this thing between us is, it’s not casual. It’s not forgettable or easy or clean. You say what we have is a once-in-a-life time connection, and with that comes this…this voraciousness for each other, I guess.” She pauses, searching for the right words. “Something like that just doesn’t go away. You can’t stop feeling those feelings on command. We’ll be jealous and hurt, and seeing each other every day will crush one or both of us. You know it. I know it.”
Voracious is exactly how I’d describe this feeling I have for Emma. And the fact that she wants me as fiercely as I crave her is exactly what I need to push my case.
“I want you, Em. Badly. I don’t know how else to say it. I’d love for you to give me a chance, but again, I understand if it’s too risky for you. You’re right to say I’m voracious for you. You’re right to say the fallout wouldn’t be pretty.” I take her hand again, only this time I twine our fingers, same as she did last night. “But how beautiful could it be if we made it work?”
Emma’s fingers curl around mine. Ever the courageous one, she doesn’t break eye contact. She’s just thoughtfully quiet.
“Give me time to think about it,” she says at last, and lets out a breath. “Part of me wonders if it’s already too late to go back. Like, have we crossed the Rubicon without knowing it?”
“I don’t rightly know what the Rubicon is, but I think I get what you’re saying. It’s possible. If you decide you don’t want to pursue this…yeah, I’ll be really fucking bummed. Especially after last night. And this morning. You gotta believe me when I say I didn’t mean for any of this”—I flick my eyes over her bare legs—“to happen. When I stopped to help you last night, I still had every intention of keeping things professional. I just wanted to feed you, Em.”
“Then I tasted your lasagna—”
“And the rest is history.” I lift our joined hands and kiss her wrist. “Take all the time you need, all right? I’m not going anywhere.”
She nods. “Okay. Thanks. I have a lot to process. Some loose ends I need to figure out.”
I want to ask about those loose ends, but instead I think about my own.
I have to end things with Lady V. She’s great, and we had our fun, but Emma’s the clear winner here. I’m not gonna go after one woman while keeping another in my back pocket, just in case. I feel like that’s just begging karma to deliver swift justice to my faithless ass.
If I’m gonna do this thing with Emma, I’m going all in. No second-guesses. Definitely no second choices.
I’ll get in touch with V later, when I have some time to myself.