I’m hit three more times as I’m trying to find cover of some kind, but I don’t hold back. I serve up some return fire of my own. I miss a lot too. It’s almost pitiful, but Callie is right. I’m having fun.
“Watch out!”
My head snaps to the side just as Nixon crashes into me. Not expecting him to bulldoze me, I lose my balance and fall on the ground with him on top of me.
The air is knocked out of my lungs from the impact, leaving me breathless.
Our eyes lock, and we just stare at each other.
I open my mouth but no words come out.
He’s so close that we’re breathing the same air. I can see the smallest of details on his face. Like the little white scar at the end of his right brow. And the fact that today his irises are more gray than blue. Thick lashes surround them, and they’re a shade darker than his hair. And his mouth...
Another shiver runs through me, but this time it has nothing to do with the cold creeping under my soaked clothes.
I look to the side, anything just so I don’t stare at his mouth. Somehow, I’m not sure how, we managed to land behind a bench.
“Well, at least we’re covered,” I say, turning back to him.
“Yeah.” Nixon’s voice is rough as his eyes fall down on my mouth. “At least.”
My tongue peeks out, sliding over my suddenly dry lips.
He opens his mouth, but then we’re attacked by what feels like dozens of snowballs. Nixon’s back takes the brunt of it, but I can feel some too.
“Okay, okay. That’s enough!” I laugh, lifting my hands in surrender. Well, as much as I can anyway. It feels more like I’m embracing Nixon and pulling him closer. We’re plastered together so tightly you’d think we’re one.
“You guys know this is a public place, right?” Hayden asks, looking at us from the bench.
“It’s all your damn fault so bugger off,” Nixon mutters. He gets to his feet and offers me his hand to help me up.
“No funny business.”
“You’re an idiot, I was just trying to save her from getting a snowball in the face. Nobody wants to deal with a bloody nose.”
“Mm-hmm,” Callie hums in my ear. “That’s exactly how it looked.”
“Oh, shut up.” I try to swat her on the head, but she’s already pulling away.
“I didn’t say anything,” she laughs and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, a smug smile on her face.
“You don’t have to, it’s written all over your face.”
“No, honey, it’s written all over your face.”
I look away, because I fear that if I don’t I’m going to punch her. “That’s because I’m freaking cold.”
Or maybe I should push her into the biggest pile of snow so she can see for herself what cold is.
“Mm-hmm, whatever you say.”
Chapter Nineteen
NIXON
My phone screen lights up, drawing my attention. I look at it, finding my sister’s bright smile facing me. The photo is barely a year old, and it’s one of my favorites. I miss the girl she used to be. The last year has robbed us of a lot, but it robbed Jade more than the rest of us, taking away her joy and innocence.
Grabbing the phone off the stack of books, I look around. The library has a no-talking and no-phone policy so it’s only to be assumed that if I get caught I’ll be banned forever. Not seeing the grumpy face of the main librarian, Mrs. Gibson, or as we affectionately call her, Mrs. G, anywhere around I signal to Prescott I’ll be back and duck into the first row of bookcases.
“Hey,” I answer quietly when I think nobody can hear me.
“Hey back,” she whispers.
“What’s up?”
There is a slight pause, and then, “Why are we whispering?”
“I’m at the library,” I explain, taking another turn and getting lost between the dusty shelves.
“Oh my, Nix! Breaking the sacred laws of libraries now, are you?” she mocks me, and I can hear the laughter in her voice. It makes the weight that was on my chest lighten, if only a little.
“You just laugh all you want. I’ll see you next year.”
Jade grows quiet on the other side of the line, and I instantly regret my words. Instead of apologizing, which I know will be no use, I change the subject. “How are things going?”
There is a rustling of sheets in the background, and I can imagine her getting on the bed, pressing her back against the headboard as she pulls her knees close to her chest. She’s been doing it for as long as I can remember, her cocoon of safety when everything else is going to shit.
“Jade?”
“It’s going,” she sighs. “Mom’s getting tired more. Painkillers are taking most of the pain off for now, so at least she can sleep.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “How did the doctor’s appointment go?”
I wanted to take her, but it clashed with one of my classes, so Mom insisted one of the nurses take her. Of course, Jade didn’t want to hear it, so she was the one who ditched the first half of her classes and took her instead so Mom wouldn’t be alone. Seriously, between two bossy women like that I’m surprised I manage to stay sane.
“Nothing’s changed.”
“That’s because she doesn’t want to go to chemo. If she’d just…” I run my fingers through my hair, pulling at the strands. The slight sting at the back of my head grounds me.
“What do you want me to do, Nixon?”
“Nothing, it’s not your fault.”
And that’s the goddamn truth. Rationally, I know it isn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody can do anything to change what’s happening, no matter how much we try. And chances are, even if she continued with chemo or radiation or something it wouldn’t make any difference.
“She wants to spend her last months off meds and enjoy what little she has left, we can’t take that away from her,” Jade says, voicing my thoughts out loud.
“We won’t. I’ll be home this weekend. Maybe if she’s up for it we could go out and… do something.”
Jade sniffles on the other side of the line and my heart breaks for her a little. My sister has always been such a cheerful person, but lately it seems all she does is cry. “Yeah, sounds good.”
I hear footsteps somewhere in the distance. Swearing silently, I say, “Hey, Smalls, I’ve gotta go before they throw my ass out in the snow.”
“More like in the dungeon,” she chuckles softly.
“With how much dust is here, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of these rows led to cages. Talk soon?”
“I love you, Nix.”
I close my eyes, my heart squeezing painfully. I don’t deserve her love. I shouldn’t be putting her, them, through this. I should be there. I should be their rock holding them tight through this nightmare.
“Love you too,” I say quietly, my voice sounding strained even to my own ears. “Kiss Mom for me.”
“Will do. Later.”
We disconnect the call, and I start back to the study area. I’ve come farther than anticipated, and with all the rows looking the same I don’t even know if I’m going in the right direction.