“It’s not like that. Karaoke is a big thing for younger crowds now. They all grew up with shows where people do it in carpools and stuff, so it’s not like it was before. No sad country songs sung by middle-aged divorcees.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” I said, shaking my head. “Just let me know what nights you decide to do it so I won’t have to be here.”
“Will do,” she said, opening a box of glasses and moving them toward the sink. “Mason said he thinks we could probably open next Friday or Saturday if we keep this pace up.”
I looked around the room, taking in the decorations that were already up and the way everything was coming together. It was surprising how much had been done in such a short time, and even the stuff that I had done didn’t seem all that impressive until I walked in and saw how it fit together with everything else. Friday was an awfully fast turnaround, but something about it didn’t feel right. I turned to lean against the bar and noticed Ava had already washed out one of the glasses and filled it with water for me. It wasn’t liquor, but at least it was something.
“Friday?” I asked.
“I was thinking we might even do the soft opening on that Thursday, and do the grand opening the next night,” she said. I swirled the water in the glass. They were nice glasses, better than the ones we had at the old bar, and I tried to envision the room full of people, shoulder to shoulder, and me downing a whiskey among them, undercover.
“Saturday might be better,” I said, my mind placing people in all areas of the bar. Younger people dancing in one area near the speakers, booths packed with friends and lovers, tables with platters of food. Amanda.
Crap.
“You think?” Ava said, snapping me out of the vision of Amanda, wearing the blue dress she wore so often that made me watch her when she walked away. It was my favorite dress of hers. The way it shaped her ass…
“Yes,” I said, shaking my head, trying to lodge that vision out. Amanda was gone. I had to get her out of my head. “All the other spots down here seem to be avoiding specials on Saturday, which means it’s a hot night and ripe for full-price everything. Plus, it was always our best night at the old spot.” I took a moment, trying to force the words back down my throat that I knew were coming, but it was to no avail. The question was going to get blurted out whether I forced that vision away or not. “Have you heard from Amanda recently?”
Ava stopped unpacking the glasses and looked up at me suspiciously, her eyebrow cocked.
“No, not recently,” she said, but there was something in her voice. Something I didn’t quite believe. “Why, have you heard something?”
She straightened up and turned her back to me, putting glasses away on a shelf. She knew something and was trying to find out what I knew about it. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to pry, and I wasn’t interested in playing a guessing game.
“No, nothing,” I said and gulped the rest of the water. “You said Mason is in the office?”
“Yeah,” she said, grunting with effort as she pushed one glass into another to move it further back on the shelf. “I’m sure he’d love to get your opinion on it.”
“I’ll go head back there now. Thanks, Ava,” I said and stood. She waved over her head as she continued to push the glasses onto the shelf. I noticed that she had a stepstool beside her, which would have made her job much easier, but she seemed to want to be facing away from me.
She knew something and didn’t want to let on. But whatever it was, it wasn’t my business anymore. Amanda wasn’t my business anymore. I had to get that through my head.
32
Amanda
I got off the plane with a knot already in my stomach and took as long as I possibly could to walk out into the airport. All around me, people were running and jumping into each other’s arms, cheerfully waving at each other, and performing all types of the ritual of coming back together. Then there was me. All alone and not meeting anyone.
I probably could have asked Ava to meet me at the airport. She would have done it without hesitation, but I didn’t. Partly because I had so little time to think about getting ready for the flight so I never made the call, and partly because I was thinking about everything else so much that I didn’t have the space in my brain to make a logical decision like that.
And a little sliver in there because I felt like I still needed to be alone. At least when I first got to Astoria. I wasn’t ready to look into anyone’s eyes yet. I wasn’t ready to have to see anybody and start talking about all this. It was different with Emily. She was part of my life in San Francisco. My best friend and the one who had already seen me through everything.
As much as I didn’t want to think about trimming the other Andersons, including Ava, out of my life because of the tangled situation with Tom, I knew it was a possibility. Maybe even a probability, but Emily would be with me in the next phase of my life. No matter what job I had next or what would happen after the baby was born, she would be there for me.
Having to look Ava in the face and talk about what was happening felt too overwhelming still. I needed some time to make my way to that point, which was why I moved as slowly as I could to walk through the airport and get my luggage.
I figured if I took as much time as possible, I wouldn’t really be in Astoria yet. As long as I was still in the airport and hadn’t gotten my luggage or gone out to catch a cab, I was still in that in-between space. I was still transitioning.
Unfortunately, telling myself that didn’t do a lot of good for my anxiety. Nervousness continued to flood me as I walked up to the carousel and waited for my luggage to come around. I didn’t bring a lot. More than I could stuff into my little carry-on, but not so much that I would be prepared for a long stay. This was a quick visit. Lay out the facts, deal with the reaction, and move on. That simple.
Except it wasn’t that simple at all. I had no idea how Tom would react. To any of it. Not to seeing me in Astoria. Not to me just showing up without telling him I was coming. And definitely not to the news I was bringing with me. This news was definitely too big to fit in my carry-on.
Going through all the different scenarios of how Tom could react to me telling him I was carrying his baby was enough to make my stomach turn and sweat break out in cold beads on the back of my neck. It could go so many different ways. And probably so many more than I could even come up with.
I couldn’t bear the thought that he was going to react badly. It had taken me a while to come to terms with it, but Emily was right. I loved him. I knew it deep down inside me. I loved him with everything in me, fully and completely. But I still had no idea how Tom really felt about me.
I did everything I could to push him away. Hearing this news was going to come as a major surprise to him. Coming right on the heels of me showing up here, Tom was in for a day of getting hit upside the head with shock. Probably not what went through his mind when he’d woken up that day.
As soon as I thought that, I wondered if it really would be a surprise for him that I was here. After all, I wasn’t in the meeting that was held virtually that morning. It would make sense if he questioned where I was. Even if he had, no one at the office knew where I was going. I didn’t even tell Landon I was going back to Astoria.