It is hard to be in a relationship with people who believed they were always right. When they fought, they did not hold anything back. It was not uncommon for them to go for scorched earth when they fought.
But most especially Alex. He had this way of completely shutting down. Sometimes she felt as if she was trying to talk to a brick wall. It would drive her crazy and she would spin completely out of control.
She shrugged as she tried to sort through the chaos that was her mind. “I have no idea what I want.”
“What are you going to do?”
She shook her head and stared across at her friend in silence. Nothing in her life made sense to her anymore. The baby she thought was hers was no longer hers. The future she’d been building just a few short months ago seemed so distant. She hadn’t been in a relationship since Ryan.
She hadn’t wanted to be in a relationship since Ryan. How much loss was she supposed to take? How many times was she supposed to expose her heart to all of the dangers this world had to offer? India just wanted to live a life full of love and light. She thought she would have that with Alex. When that did not work out, she thought she would have that with Ryan. When he died, she decided to find it on her own.
“Do you realize every time you come home, you break more things than you fix,” India questioned as she leaned against the counter of her kitchen.
Ryan was currently banging on some pipes beneath their sink like he actually knew what he was doing. Every few months they went through the same routine. He would come home all smiles and proceed to make a mess of their house. He had already “fixed” their dryer and “patched” the leak in their guest bathroom.
“If you believe that, why do you always wait for me to come home to get things fixed?”
India grinned as she said, “I like to feed my handyman fantasy?”
“Oh yeah?”
“It comes second only to my gardener fantasy. Nothing is hotter than the sight of you mowing the lawn shirtless and covered in sweat.” She teased as she heard yet another loud bang.
Teddy, their plumber, was going to have his work cut out for him when she called him to fix whatever Ryan was fixing.
“Good to know.” Ryan remarked absently as she heard something crack and the spray of water.
He cursed and slid out from under the sink. As she covered her mouth to hide her smile. He was covered in water, which was now covering their white marbled floors. His dark green shirt was soaked all the way through. It clung to his chest like a second skin, highlighting his stocky build.
“We are single handedly going to pay for Teddy’s summer home in Maine.”
“I think at this point, we are going funding the renovation of that summer home,” Ryan said with a smirk that sent her heart racing and made her stomach do its familiar dance. She knelt down beside him and cupped his face.
“Maybe we should stick to the gardener fantasy,” she asked with a wrinkle of her nose.
He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her lips before whispering, “Only if you promise to act out my catholic school girl fantasy later.”
“Perv.”
“Sure am, Baby.”
Shaking off her thoughts, she focused on the cup in front of her. Then she found Kier. He was small and helpless. He needed her and she needed him. Taking care of a newborn wasn’t easy. She jumped through hoops to do things the right way. Even that had fallen to shattered pieces around her.
India felt like her heart had been pounded on enough. She never wanted to risk that kind of pain again. Building a future alone felt like it would be so much easier than stepping out with her heart in the lead again. Doing that seemed to be more trouble than it was worth.
She felt the tears as they welled up in her eyes. Lately, it felt like she spent half her time crying. Very little in her life resembled what she ever would have planned for herself. Maybe she couldn’t be trusted to make decisions on her own? It wasn’t like she was winning at the lottery of life. It all kept falling apart when she least expected it.
Her parents had been together for half a century. Fifty years, loving and fighting with each other. Bending and building with each other. She had been spoiled by their ability to work together and love each other through the most troubled of waters. India used to think she would have that. She would get to experience that with someone.
First with Alex. Then with Ryan…
Ryan… What would he think if he saw her now? How would he react? Was he looking down on her and shaking his head at how she had managed to step right into the mess that was her life at the moment?
Though she would never say it aloud, Alex and Ryan actually shared a lot of similar traits. Ever the pragmatist, Ryan had a way of completely shutting off his emotions and just looking at the facts. He could drive her completely crazy sometimes, but he also gave her that same feeling of protection and love. Ryan had been amazing at finding the middle ground.
He was a good listener. Ryan wasn’t just listening, so he could calculate his next winning move. He listened so he could be there for her and support her. If he didn’t agree with her, then he said so, but if he found himself listening and being swayed by her words… He would admit he was wrong and make things work. They had a true partnership. She would give anything to have that back. To feel that with another person again .
She looked across the table at James as a tear escaped and coursed down the side of her face. “I think it’s time for me to walk away.”
James nodded and reached out to touch her shoulder. His eyes full of sympathy as he studied his friend. He and his sister had seen her through everything over the last few years. If anyone had a chance of understanding what she was feeling, it was the two of them.
“Are you going to move out?”
India nodded. “Right after Christmas. I want to at least spend that with Kier before I leave.”
James’ hand slid down her arm and covered her hands. “Are you sure you are strong enough for this?”
“I have to be because falling into Alex’s bed won’t make the hurt go away, and pretending we can just start from where we left off isn’t real anyway.”
****
Alex felt smug, but he knew better than to show it. Nothing about what was coming next would be easy. India still didn’t trust him. She certainly didn’t believe in the idea of them having a relationship.
If he wanted her, he was going to have to keep his self-satisfaction to himself. He knew she would run at the first sign of it. She needed to come to the realization that they were perfect for each other on her own.
Leaning back in his chair, he stared at a picture he’d taken with his phone when India hadn’t been paying attention. Distracted with Kier, she had him bundled in a thick wool coat and scarf as they sat in the sled waiting for him to pull them.
A gentle smile on her face, she was adjusting his red cap so it would completely cover his dark brown hair. Her eyes bright with happiness and excitement, she looked so beautiful. He couldn’t resist taking her picture.
Alex didn’t notice when Derrick walked up to his open office door until the man knocked. He was pulled out of his thoughts with a start. He was usually never distracted at work. There was always something that needed his complete attention.
“You look content.”
“I am.”
Derrick stepped inside and sat in the chair across from his friend. “Playing house with your ex seems to agree with you.”