My heart beats faster, and I want to break through this plexiglass and hold him, beg him to keep believing. I’m afraid it’s too late.
“So that’s it.” The resignation in his voice makes me panicky.
“We’re not stopping. Scout and I are both thinking of new ways—”
“It’s over, Hope.” His voice is flat. “I knew it when I lost my phone. It’s time to stop fighting and do this time.”
“No!”
His eyes flicker to mine, and his expression turns dark. A cold stream of dread filters through my veins.
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I made a decision…” His brow is lowered. “You need to get back to your business. You’ve wasted enough time on me. You need to follow up with that guy and get his help while he’s offering it.”
“But you said—”
“I said a lot when I thought things were different. You’ve got to live your life.”
The pain in my chest radiates up to my temples. “Are you taking back what you said to me?”
“Things change. You have to walk through the doors when they open. Next time I hear about you, I want it to be for the grand opening of your new Pancake Paradise.”
My heart is in my throat, and I’m doing my best to keep the tears from falling. “Would you even hear about something like that in here?”
“I’ll hear about it.”
I can’t bear it. I can’t let him push me away without telling him, if only this once. “I love you, John.”
His eyes close, and his chin drops. The sexy muscle in his perfect jaw moves, and he shakes his head. I watch him inhale slowly, then exhale before he breaks my heart. “Don’t.”
“Don’t?” My voice goes high. “Don’t love you?”
“Don’t say that.” He lifts his face, and our eyes meet. His are stormy and sad. “Don’t come here anymore. I don’t want to see you. I want you to get on with your life and leave us where we belong, in the past.”
A hot tear hits my cheek. His eyes flicker to it, and his throat moves. He puts his mask on and goes to the door, waving to the guard and leaving me alone in the visiting space, staring at an empty room, an empty chair.
My chest is a bleeding hole. More tears start to fall, and I hiccup a breath. Oh, God, I’m going to break down. Cupping a hand over my mouth, I quickly go to the exit. I run to Metallicar before the uncontrollable sobs begin. I hold my hand against my face and close my eyes, fighting for control. I have to hold on. I have to.
It takes a few minutes before I’m able to complete the blurry drive back to the beach house. When I get there, Scout has left a note saying he’s running an errand. I can’t talk to him right now. I can only talk to one person.
Going to my closet, I take out my weekend bag and pack fast. Anger and sadness and misery make me slam the clothes harder than I normally would.
JR Dunne has pushed me away twice now, and I can’t keep holding on, waiting for him to see how right we are together. If he wants me to do it, I will. I’ll seize my opportunity.
Before I go, I pull the long receipt from my purse and place it on the bar with a note to Scout.
They have your number. You have mine.
If anything changes, let me know.
Lots of love,
Hope
Jr
Telling Hope to leave was the hardest thing I’ve done… since the last time I did it.
Fuck. I tighten my fist, slamming it against the top bunk in my empty cell again and again. I don’t want to treat her like a yo-yo, but my whole damn life has turned into one, and I’m not holding the strings. She doesn’t deserve that.
She deserves to be out there making her dreams come true. Some asshole wants to help her… He probably wants to sleep with her, too. My throat tightens and I lift the metal bed, shoving it hard against the wall with a growl. Sending her to him makes me crazy with rage, but it’s her second chance. She’s got to take it.
As an added layer of insurance, I ask the guard, I think his name is Mel, to remove her name from my visitors list. Scout must have added it, because I never did. It’s like pouring acid on a wound, but it’s the only way I can be sure she doesn’t come back and try to see me again. I’m not strong enough to send her away a third time.
It would be the most selfish thing I ever did.
Walking away from her was like giving up on my life. It was letting go of my hope.
It’s resigning myself to being stuck in this place as long as the judge says, and then when I finally get out, I’ll have a whole host of new hassles to deal with.
Still, it’s the right thing to do. I knew it when those cops slapped the cuffs on my wrists. I knew it when that bootheel ground my phone into the floor. No more wishing on stars. I have to put my head down and do the time. Fair or not, this is where I am.
My next call will be to my brother. Somebody has to take care of Jesse.
When I called Scout, he filled me in on the details of what happened. It was basically what Hope said. He told me she left, and he tried to get me to tell him why. I told him to go home to Jesse, tell my son I love him and it’s breaking my heart not to be there.
Another week passes. Another week of my life I’ll never get back.
I watch the news until I can’t listen to it any more. I don’t need assholes telling me cops can be assholes. No shit, Sherlock.
I lift weights. I read, and every day I walk around the yard for the two hours they give us as recreation. Only a handful of inmates are allowed out at a time, and we’re all sectioned off.
I never made friends or had a group on the inside, so I’m fine keeping my distance. Walking to the chain-link fence, I look out towards the water. When I was in here before, somehow it was easier. I was fueled by rage and so focused on getting answers and making people pay. My entire mindset was on my dad and his part in putting me here.
Now I know the truth, and it’s harder than it was before. It’s like a fucking soap opera, where I got caught on the wrong side of the aisle. If it weren’t so fucking stupid, I’d laugh. Or maybe I’d cry.
“I’ve known a lot of guys in here say they were innocent.”
I’m lying on the bottom bunk of the metal beds in my room, and I look up to see Mel the Guard speaking to me. It’s quiet and boring in here, so I answer.
“That so?”
“Yeah. This one guy Levi said he fell asleep in the backseat of his cousin’s coupe. Woke up and the cousin was armed robbing a 7-Eleven.”
“Let me guess.” I shift to my side, not sure I want this kind of camaraderie.
“He got sentenced to life. Accessory to first-degree murder. The cousin shot the clerk in the face.”
“Jesus.” I shake my head, realizing it could be worse. I’m only on the hook for two to four more years, which is a lot, but shit.
We’re quiet a little while. I look at the book I’ve been reading, something about the Vietnam war protests in the 1960s.
“Of the guys who claim they’re innocent, the ones who do best, are the ones who don’t give up and don’t get hard.”
I exhale a laugh. “Easy for you to say.”
“I know.” Mel nods, going down the short passage. “But I see you. I know you.” His hand slides over the light switch. “I’m on your side.”