It’s lights out, and I lie in bed thinking about what he said. I want to be encouraged, but guards get transferred. Nothing’s permanent here. The last thing I should do is trust somebody on the inside is on my side.
More days pass. I’ve lost count.
I’m lying on my back, looking at the iPhone Mel smuggled to me, wondering in the course of my life, where does this fall? Am I living in the space between… Beauty came before, with football and Jesse. Now I’m in the pain. Is more beauty waiting on the other side of this, or will it be more pain… or a void?
The irritating thought is in my head, when I get a message from my brother. Are you sitting down?
It makes me frown, and I peck out a reply, doing my best to use my thumbs more than my fingers. What else would I be doing?
Don’t want to give false hope, but something big just happened.
What?
Can’t tell you yet.
I’ll kick your ass.
Focus on that. I’ll be back soon with instructions.
Swinging my feet to the floor, I look at the wall, my constant companion since I returned to this fucking hole.
My chest is tight, and of course, my first thought is seeing Hope again.
It doesn’t matter if I sent her away. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference I listened to her say she loved me and didn’t answer back. I love her.
I love her face, her pretty hair, her bright blue eyes and sweet smile… She haunts me every night.
In the daylight hours, I can keep her memory at bay. I can exercise, lift weights, walk around the yard, watch television, talk to Mel, play games on my phone, meditate…
Yeah, I meditate a little.
But at night, there’s no escaping her.
I close my eyes, and I see her beautiful body. My fingers curl against the mattress, and I feel her round ass beneath them. I crave her taste, her soft lips, her small tits, her flat stomach.
She’s the goddess of my dreams, and now I’m standing here, pacing this room, furious at the torture my little brother has conjured. Hoping against hope, the girl of my dreams might be on the other end of it.
I collapse onto the bed, dropping my face to my hands. The last time I prayed, I got kicked in the nuts so hard, I didn’t think I’d recover. What’s wrong with me?
Still, I can’t help myself.
God, please…
Hope
“It’s like I’m Dawn.” I’m lying on the lounge chair across from my dad.
I had to wait two weeks to be this close to him. Until then, I stayed at a Holiday Inn nearby and talked to him through a plastic screen like he was the Bubble Boy.
It didn’t matter. I just wanted to be near him. I needed my dad.
“Who’s Dawn?” He frowns at me, shoving his longish brown hair behind his ears.
I was right, although he’s more Road House than Deadwood, and he isn’t wearing a mustache.
“Are you kidding me?” I slap the side of the lounger and sit up. “Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons?”
“Oh.” He leans his head back and laughs, brown eyes brimming with love. “You can’t just pull something like that out of left field.”
“I’m so glad to see you, Dad.” Even though it’s safe, I lower my cheek to his chest and hug him that way.
“I’m glad to see you too. I missed your sunshine.” His kind hand smooths my hair back. “Now tell me more about this Dawn situation.”
“Oh, Dad.” I sigh, sitting up and falling against the cushions. “He’s been wrongfully convicted of dealing drugs… And stop!” I hold up my hand. “Before you ask me how I know, trust me. I know. I was there when the guy who set him up confessed. Only the lawyer said it wasn’t a strong enough confession because the liar fingered his dad as the target rather than him…”
My dad’s thick brow furrows. “That isn’t right.” His low voice rumbles slowly, and I couldn’t agree more.
“That’s where we are. I told him I loved him, and he sent me away. He said I couldn’t wait for him. I had to get on with my life.”
“He sounds like a good man.” Dad leans back on the lounge chair beside me.
We’re lying next to a sparkling blue pool at the Shady Rest nursing home, although nobody’s swimming. Still, it’s a nice ambiance. A small waterfall is trickling at the far end, and palm trees are strategically planted at the corners.
It has more the feel of a luxury resort than an assisted living facility.
“He’s the best kind of man.” Tilting my head to the side, I remember how he was with his brother, his son, me. “He’s an amazing dad. His little boy is so adorable, and he’s a loving grandson. His brother adores him…”
“Says a lot about a man when other people care about him that much.”
“I really do love him. I think he loves me, too.”
Dad’s lips twitch, and he slants an eye at me, giving me a little grin. “If that’s the case, then it’s going to happen. The universe doesn’t let true love go unanswered. It wouldn’t be right.”
“I hope so.”
“Hope eternal.”
We spend the rest of the day walking along the shore. I meet his new girlfriend Karla, and she’s really beautiful. Slim with brown skin and thick, spiral-curled brown hair. She’s smart and wise, and she clearly loves my father.
We have dinner and she tells me about her yoga practice. She specializes in middle-aged patients, and as much as she never gets involved, she couldn’t resist my fit, handsome father.
I’m not harshing on her. Dad’s a silver fox all right. And she’s really calm and steady. I think she’ll be good for him.
When he walks me to the Impala that night, I’m not sure I’m ready to say goodbye, but I know it’s time to get back to San Francisco. Two weeks is a long time to be away from home, and I have to make a decision one way or the other.
“If you really love him, hold onto him.” Dad smooths a lock of hair behind my ear. “You’re not an easy girl to let go.”
“Sure you’re not just saying that because I’m your daughter?”
“No.” He shakes his head, and it makes me laugh. I put my face against his chest and hug him again, longer, not wanting to let him go.
“I’m so glad I got to see you. Karla is amazing.”
“You’re amazing. I love you, Sunshine.” He steps back, inspecting Metallicar. “I knew you’d take care of my baby. I have to say, you look like a badass driving it.”
“You’re the badass.” One last dad hug, and I think I’m ready to face the real world again.
Still, there are times when I wish I was a little girl, laughing and screaming from the treehouse out back, not a care in the world.
I’m pulling up to the beach shack when my phone goes off with a text from a number I haven’t heard from in weeks. Are you back in town?
Are you back in town? I reply. Last I heard, Scout was returning to Charleston to be with Jesse.
Would you do something for me if I promise it’ll make you happy?
I can’t imagine what he’s talking about, still, I’m curious. Only if it’s quick and easy.