“Whoa, Gwen.” Rosie gaped at me in astonishment. “You are like, super restrained, I don’t know any of Cade’s exes who wouldn’t be up there ripping Ginger’s throat out.”
“That’s probably why they’re his exes,” I said, taking another pull of Amy’s beer.
I was slightly pissed that my boyfriend hadn’t gotten mine like he promised. Maybe I was more pissed about the him “talking to a slut” part. “Now can we stop wasting breath on Queen Bitch and talk about something else?”
“Gladly.” Lucy started talking about one of the men from another charter who she was crushing on.
Not long after that, I got a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Lucky smiling down at me with a beer.
“Hey, Princess, Cade got caught up, asked me to give you this.” He handed me the beer and sat down beside me.
“Thanks, Lucky.” I smiled at him. “What’s new?”
He rolled his eyes, then gave me a sad look. “Bitches, Princess, they’re driving me crazy, don’t know what they’re thinking half the time, drives me insane,” he grumbled. “Sorry,” he added looking sheepish.
I laughed. “It’s okay.” I took a swig of my beer. “Tell me all about it.”
Lucky didn’t need much convincing, he launched right into the stories of his women troubles, talking easily to me. I started to like him more and more as the conversation went on. He obviously had respect for women, he just dated too many at the same time.
During our chat, more men came to shoot the shit and introduce themselves. Most were friendly, albeit scary. Some were flirty and very attractive, giving Amy lots of attention, which she was lapping up. I started to feel a little intimidated by the men. As the night went on, they were getting rowdier, but I pushed through it, drinking more beer. Lucky stayed by my side for ages, something about him kept me feeling calm.
I was starting to get a bit pissed Cade hadn’t showed up, primarily because of the way Ginger was with him. I scanned the yard and couldn’t find either of them. Great. My eyes did fall on Bull, though, sitting apart from the group, in front of a fire drum. I saw his eyes in the flickering light, and something in them alarmed me. I got up purposefully. Lucky stood too.
“All good, Princess?” he asked, the concern in his eyes registered. Cade had told him, the prick.
“Yeah, Lucky, I’m fine, just got to do something,” I replied.
He followed my gaze. “Wouldn’t if I were you, Princess, he doesn’t like company so much lately.”
“I’ll be fine,” I responded before turning into the party and making my way over to Bull.
After multiple glares from some of the women and winks from the men, I made it over. I sat beside Bull on the bench and he didn’t even look up.
“Don’t want company, Gwen,” he muttered, staring down at the beer in his hands.
“Too bad,” I shot back and he glared up at me, hoping to scare me away.
I didn’t move, he shrugged and returned to contemplating the fire. I followed his gaze, watching the flames, sitting in silence for a bit. I had also seen Bull a lot during the past week, him and Cade seemed to be attached at the hip. Every time I saw him, I became more concerned.
“Haven’t told anyone this,” I started, speaking softly. “Not even Amy, my brother, no one. I would appreciate it, if after I tell you, we keep it between you and me.” I hoped he wouldn’t go running to Cade. Bull continued to ignore me, and I decided to take it as agreement.
“I tried to kill myself six months ago,” I stated, voice flat.
Bull’s body stiffened, but he stayed silent.
I was telling the truth, only me, the doctors that treated me, and one other person knew about it.
“I was going through some shit—” I started.
“Know about that,” Bull clipped.
“Cade’s been sharing I see.” I was annoyed but kept on speaking. “Anyway, I wasn’t dealing with things well, wasn’t eating, going through intense rehab. I hardly slept, nightmares, flashbacks, whatever.” I shook my head. “Memories of the night, their faces. Sometimes I would wake up screaming, screaming so loud the neighbors would call the cops — they were convinced someone was getting murdered. Eventually, they stopped calling.” I swallowed. “I saw what I was doing to my friends, family. I wasn’t coping, I was a burden on everyone I loved. Caused them pain, I could see it in their eyes, and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand the feeling I had under my skin either, the feeling of dirt, scum. I couldn’t get it out no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t get clean. I decided one day I couldn’t lived trapped in my nightmares, I refused to.” I took a breath, Bull was staring at me intensely.
“So I made a plan. I had a date, a date when I was going to finally put myself out of my misery and put my family out of it too. Yeah they would grieve, but at least they wouldn’t have to watch me rot from the inside out. They wouldn’t have to experience me fading away, worry about me all the time. The date came closer and adrenaline started running through my veins, I got a bit perkier, knowing the end was near. Not happy. I would never be happy.”
I felt a lump start in my throat, but I had to keep going, Bull had to hear this.
“It was a Monday and I didn’t want anyone to find me, find my body. I didn’t want to do that to the people I loved. So when everyone was at work, I was going to call the ambulance, once I knew it was too late. I was just about to swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills when my friend turned up. Lucky for me I had a friend who had been watching me, knew the signs. He had a gut instinct he said.” I looked Bull in the eyes, putting my hand over his. He flinched but didn’t pull away.
“He saved my life,” I whispered. “I wasn’t grateful at the time, I was angry, so angry. Why couldn’t he let me make my choice, have control, get peace? Why couldn’t I have some power when everything else was taken away from me?” I gazed back into the fire.
“Didn’t get it then, I didn’t think life was worth living. I didn’t understand how cruel that choice would have been on the people who cared. I didn’t understand how much they cared. I had been too wrapped up in my own sorrow. I started to realize, though, I saw the love I had around me, I started to see again.” I regarded him fiercely. “I know the look, Bull, know the dead behind someone’s eyes when they have given up, planning something, going to check out.”
He narrowed his empty eyes.
“I know it ‘cause I used to see it in the mirror every day.” My eyes glistened. “I can’t even imagine your pain. To feel what you carry around, what you’ve lost. But I know what she felt.” Bull’s grip on my hand tightened. “I know what she went through. I went through the same, but the man I loved was the one killing me, beating me. She knew the man she loved would be doing everything in his power to get her back.”
Bull flinched.
“She would have died feeling that love, Bull. My heart weeps for you, truly.” I stared into his lifeless eyes. “Don’t give up, don’t let those fuckers take two lives instead of one. You got love around you, I haven’t been here long, but I can see it. Don’t give up.” I gave his hand a squeeze and stood. “If you’re going through Hell, just keep on going. You’ll make it out eventually,” I whispered, leaning in and kissing his cheek, before I walked back to the party.