Teeth sink into his hand, but instead of pulling back, Azure waits until the sound of footsteps fades away and uses his grip to wrench Ocher’s head around so painfully that he relents and lets go of his hand.
He sighs, looking down at the struggling brunette below him, still full of tightly coiled rage that he hasn’t been able to let out yet. He typically hates doing this and he’s weak at it, but he also can’t let this go on.
Azure leans down, resting his head against Ocher’s and murmurs quietly into his ear, “I’m here, it’s fine. I’ll always keep you with me.”
Ocher pauses his movements briefly and Azure uses that moment to slip inside his emotions. They’re tangled and complicated, a knot of anger and resentment that bleeds red inside his eyelids. Years upon years of repression coupled with Ocher’s inability to deal with strong conflicting emotions feeds the restless energy inside him.
No wonder he reacts to Basel so badly. Basel goads and finds emotional weaknesses fairly easily and Ocher has many. Emotionally unstable and a violent temper is a bad combination. He pushes against Ocher’s energy to gently draw him into a borderline catatonic state.
Only then can he work to lower the strength of Ocher’s emotions, he can’t unfurl the knot, it’s been too long and that’s something Ocher will have to work through consciously, but he can take the edge off his temper enough to alleviate his need to cause bodily harm.
Tampering with the human spirit isn’t something his village dabbled in often beyond a few basic things. They considered it a violation of the mind. Therefore no one knew how or was able to teach anything of substance about emotional manipulation and if it’s something his control is lacking in, he prefers to leave it alone.
He pulls away and Ocher blinks out of his catatonic state, staring at him in confusion, emotions somewhat balanced again. “My head hurts.”
Not surprising, his skill is rudimentary at best. “You hit your head.” Azure stands and pulls Ocher up with him, ignoring his disoriented head shaking. “I think they want us to come for dinner.”
The two of them settle around the table with the rest of the family and Ocher begins to eat robotically. Azure doubts he’s even tasting the food which is a shame because it really is delicious. Ocher’s family begins to chat amongst themselves, bringing up memories from childhood, discussing sweet family memories that he has no part in.
Ocher refuses to be drawn into any conversation and when they talk about the joyful reactions to Mari’s birth, that’s the limit. He flings his chair back and is out the door in a few quick seconds, leaving a stunned silence in his wake. Azure continues eating.
“Shouldn’t you go after him?” The middle brother questions tentatively, looking towards the entrance.
“In a little while, I’ll let him cool off first. Also, this is delicious and I shouldn’t have to suffer because you were so careless with your words.”
Mayla stands, “I’ll go after him, he doesn’t know this town.”
“Don’t,” Azure commands sharply. “You’ll only make it worse, I’ll handle it.” Her trying to be a mother now won’t do anything but worsen his mood.
“But, I’m his mother…”
“The mother who gave up her third son to the army and then had another child.”
Her eyes dart from Mari, then to the floor as she twists her hands. “I really wanted a daughter,” she says quietly.
“And if it had been another son, would you have tried again? Purposely sentenced another child to the army so you could continue to go after what you wanted? Why would he ever want anything to do with you? He might have eventually forgiven you for giving birth to him, but intentionally trying again? That he won’t.”
He looks away when tears begin to drip down her cheeks and her remaining children move in protectively. She should at least be strong enough to accept the consequences her actions had on others. “I’ll take my leave now.”
On the way out, he passes a gray eyed man that looks at him in confusion. Ocher’s father, looks like they won’t get to meet each other after all. Azure finds him pacing back and forth a few blocks from his childhood home. Ocher comes to a stop in front of him, “They had a fourth child, Azure! Why would they do that?”
“There, there,” Azure pats his head only to have his hand shoved away impatiently.
“They had me and had to give me up, but they still chose to have another one! And she got to stay!”
“Then you wouldn’t have met me, you know that, right?”
Ocher gives him a disparaging look, but concedes. “Yes, that’s true. But, it’s still selfish of them! The other kids grew up together, did things together, have memories as a family. How, after they gave me up, could they risk all that over again?”
“Well, love,” Azure tucks a lock of Ocher’s hair behind his ears. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to leave.”
Azure pauses to be sure, “Leave? Leave where?” He asks carefully.
“Leave here!”
“And your family?”
“Them too! If they can be that selfish, then why can’t I? If I don’t want to help them, I don’t have to!”
“You have a little too much of me in you,” Azure replies.
“And whose fault is that? You showed me I don’t have to care about what’s best for other people.”
“So, you’re sentencing them? No warning?”
Ocher is silent for a moment, “I’m leaving.”
“Alright.”
Chapter 16: Ocher
It’s odd, staying in the same city where his family lives after essentially abandoning them to their fate. Even if the city is big and they’re all the way on the other side and there’s little chance he’ll run into them again. He still knows where they are and what they look like, could still see them if he wanted to. He’s also still a wanted criminal. His picture is potentially plastered across the internet as a deserter and a terrorist.
For some reason, Azure doesn’t seem very concerned though. He had simply purchased him a hat and told him to keep it pulled low, making no other attempt to hide their identities. It’s easy enough for Azure, since there’s no picture, but for him, it only takes one passing glance for someone to expose him.
Ocher sighs, twirling pasta around his fork. He didn’t eat much at his family’s house and he’s hungry, though it’s hard to bring himself to eat anything when he’s still upset. He can’t even taste his food. He was never interested in forgiving his parents or getting to know his family and now, after today, he feels vindicated. They don’t deserve his acceptance and he wants nothing to do with them ever again.
Maybe leaving them to be captured is wrong, but it’s no less than what they did to him at age three. And if they had actually felt any remorse, there wouldn’t be a fourth child. The thought of his younger sister still stokes an anger in him. The only thing that sent them on two separate paths was their sex, had their positions been reversed, she would never have been born and he’d have grown up with his family.
But he didn’t and if Azure has taught him one thing, it’s that people make their own choices and he doesn’t have to lift a finger to help them deal with the consequences if he doesn’t want to. Azure certainly hadn’t cared when he handed off a bomb and left him to deal with the fallout.