“Sounds like a plan. After you, Big D,” I did a mock bow.
“My joy for that nickname is already wearing thin, as knowing you it’s likely to stand for dickhead.”
“Whoa, there, Death. Did you actually say you experienced joy because I find that hard to believe, plus the jury’s out on what the D stands for, given I haven’t seen any evidence to support what you’d like it to mean.”
“Let’s go. You’ll need to feed again soon. You must have a blood bag once daily. I suggest you get in the habit of a breakfast each morning. That way, should you become busy or distracted by the wayward, you’ll not get hungry.”
That was a swift change of subject, I thought as I followed him out. I was glad he didn’t have the mind reading skills of my kind—hey, get me, saying vamps were my kind already—because he’d know I was admiring his arse in his leather trousers.
“Hey, I can’t read your mind,” I realised.
“No, nor that of any spirit. You can read human minds, you can read some other supernatural species’ minds, but know that most of the supes will have mind reading enchantments to block this from happening.”
“Well that kind of blows, doesn’t it? I get a skill and I can’t use it. Can’t exactly take a bite out of a spirit either, can I? Where’s the fun of being a baby vampire? Shouldn’t there be discarded bodies I’ve accidentally drained, such would be my newbie vampire thirst?”
“We’re not in a Hollywood vampire movie, Mya.”
“I promise I'll get rid of the bodies,” I mimic Claudia from Interview with the Vampire.
Death sighs and eye-rolls me.
“You eye-rolled me. Death eye-rolled me. That must be the ultimate insult.”
“Now you know where bored to death comes from,” he winked.
For a moment I was actually speechless, which you have to understand was another first. Maybe Death wasn’t so drab and boring as life painted him after all.
You cannot seriously be crushing on Death, Mya Malone, I told myself, while I carried on following him down the corridor, my eyes firmly fixed on his derriere.
Although Death’s bedroom had been dark and gloomy, I’d expected the rest of the house to be luxurious. What on earth had made me think that, I didn’t know, perhaps the words ‘castle’ and ‘Queen’? I could have smacked myself in the head as I entered the hallway of what was apparently the second floor of the house.
“The ground floor of the house is where your rooms are, but seeing as we’re on this floor and the communal kitchen is here, we’ll do this one first,” Death said.
I looked at the hallway. There were dark mahogany coloured floorboards, and dark blue walls with aristocratic looking paintings on the walls. You know, the ones where it feels like the eyes are following you around as you move. There was dust and cobwebs everywhere. Spirits floated up and down, spectral pieces of people: a head here, a head and torso there, a flickering complete body moving and wailing. I wanted to wail too, at the sore state of this hall.
Pushing through into the kitchen, I walked in and sighed. At least this room was clean. Magnolia painted walls. White kitchen cupboards. An old beech coloured work surface. A silver sink and draining unit. Mismatching appliances such as a microwave and a kettle. I’d thought there’d be a cosy Aga and a dresser filled with vintage plates.
Death opened the refrigerator door and took out a blood bag for me. “Your blood is in here for now. Once you’ve decided on your rooms, you can move it wherever.”
I took it from him. “Thanks.” I looked around. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. I expect you’ll ask me a lot of questions over the coming days and weeks, Mya, so just go for it.”
“Who is in charge of this Home of Wayward Souls?”
“You are. That’s the agreement you made.”
“Is there a budget for decorating this home?”
“There’s a decorator I can call in, if necessary, and I can buy anything you’d need.”
“And do I need anyone’s permission to change things?”
“It’d be nice if you consulted me if you wanted to change my room, but otherwise, it’s yours to do with as you wish. Oh, apart from the turrets which we’ll get to shortly.”
“Well thank fuck for that because I’ve only seen two rooms and a hallway and I think my eyes are bleeding. I know people try to recognise which era a building belongs to, but not usually by the thickness of the dust, it having been last cleaned when the house was built,” I snapped.
I’d heard a strange noise while I was speaking, but I’d put it down to the weird house and its inhabitants.
“You’re right, boss. Sassy little wench, ain’t she?”
I swung around to face the voice, startling a little as I met my first other solidified inhabitant.
“Meet Spence.” Death gestured. “I warned you, mate. Don’t say I didn’t.”
Spence grinned, showing me rotten teeth. “A pleasure to meet you. Be nice to have someone around the place who has some fire in their belly. Maybe we could share some rum together one evening?”
I walked over to him slowly, seeing his smile become less the nearer I got. “I am your Queen and you will address me as such,” I barked at him.
He bowed his head, “My apologies, Your Majesty.”
I knocked him in the arm and giggled. “I’m just playing with you, but if you call me a wench again, I’ll use your wooden leg to beat you with.”
Spence smiled and turned back to Death. “You picked good, boss. Real good. I love her.” His eyes met mine. “I’ve been here a long time, and I’ll be honest, I’ve no intentions of leaving. I have your back, Queen, and it’s an honour to call you that. You need me, you just yell for Spence. I see myself kind of like a caretaker around here.”
“Let me guess, you look after the rum?”
He guffawed.
“We’ll leave you to get your breakfast, Spence. I’m just showing Mya around the place so she can find her feet.”
“Let me know if you find mine,” he grinned, looking down at his wooden leg.
We left him in the room.
“So I’m not trying to get that wayward soul to move?”
“No. He’s been here as long as the house, I think. He was a pirate. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it at some point. He seems to have taken a shine to you.”
Death took me around the rest of the rooms on the floor. They were bedrooms, each with a bed, wardrobe, desk, chair, computer, and a book that outlined the rules of the house and explained why the souls were there. “The computer only lets them access the introductory ‘Welcome to Wayward Souls’ pack. Some prefer the paper version, some like the electronic. Anything else is decided by you. Only residents called by you get to be in these rooms, otherwise they wander the floor. So you’ll fill them according to which you are trying to move on.
“Okay, and how do I decide that?”
“I need to get you a new phone so you can upload The Book of the Dead app, so you don’t have to keep rushing back to the book, but you can use it to decide who you bring to the rooms. Occasionally, The Book of the Dead will make a request itself.”