However, as Holly’s brain raced with the events of the day, along with what Ben had just said, something inside of her broke.
Yeah, so she’d left the house a few times angry.
That was okay.
It happens.
And well, in her defense, she did watch her husband fall through the ceiling. That would’ve been a lot on anyone.
Plus, they were putting the decorations up. That was something she was looking forward to doing as a family…
Okay, sure, maybe she’d been a bit of a jerk lately and got angry for really no reason at all. But well… Damn it. It was a lot of pressure to put on the perfect holiday celebration.
Was it so wrong for her to want everything to go off without a hitch? Was it so wrong for her to want to give Jimmy a good memory? All she wanted to do was replace the horrible ones he’d been through.
Holly clamped her eyes closed as she fought off the tears. She couldn’t stop the feeling that washed over her.
It was like everything was failing and all at once.
Why am I not the one putting Peanut to bed? Why am I standing here paralyzed when Ben swoops in to be the most perfect father again?
What is wrong with me?
She was failing as a mother.
Holly’s chest tightened as the tears she tried to keep at bay finally fell.
Pull yourself together! Holly angrily pushed her tears away with the back of her hand. This isn’t helping the situation. And how are you going to pull off the perfect Christmas if you’re over here having a pity party?
Exactly, you aren’t, so get it together.
“Sweetheart, no.” Ben appeared out of nowhere cupping Holly’s cheeks in the palms of his hands. “Don’t cry, Grace.”
At his words, she broke into uncontrollable sobs.
Instantly, Ben pulled her into his arms, holding her tight. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
“It’s not!”
Ben drew back as he lovingly gazed at her. “It’s always going to be okay. As long as we have each other we will get through anything.”
More tears threatened to spill as she looked at Ben.
“Talk to me.”
Holly shook her head.
“Holly, talk.”
“It’s stupid.”
“If it’s upsetting you, it’s not stupid. What’s going on? Don’t get me wrong, Grace, you’re normally a little high-strung but not like this. Talk to me, baby. We promised each other we’d always talk through it.” Ben leaned in kissing her on the lips before wiping away her tears with the pads of his thumbs.
“It’s just…” Holly took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m failing again.”
“Why?”
As Holly studied her husband’s eyes, she saw the amount of love he held for her, ultimately making her feel even worse. “I have to make everything perfect.”
“You are.”
Holly shook her head. “I’m not. Every time I try to do something it ends up a mess. I freaking hate bought elf costumes. I almost burned our house down. Mildred told me I’m putting too much pressure on myself and the fact that she was right makes me really want to punch her.”
Ben cocked his head to the side. “That’s a lot to unpack. We’ll get back to the hate costumes soon, but first, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I agree with Mildred.”
She gasped. “You can’t. I’m your wife, you have to agree with me.”
“And normally I do, but babe, you are putting too much pressure on yourself.”
“I have to, Ben. This is Jimmy’s first Christmas with us. Look at all he’s dealt with in his life. I can’t let this be a disappointment to him as well. I don’t want to cause him any more pain than he has already been through.”
“Holly…”
“And then it’s Helen’s first Christmas,” she kept going. “I know she probably won’t remember it but I have to try, okay? God forbid something happens to me like it did my mom and—"
“No,” Ben interrupted her. “That’s not gonna happen, Holly. Stop.”
At his words, Holly burst into another round of tears.
“It’s okay.” He held her tighter as Holly let everything out. The stress she’d been feeling, the pain, the anger. All of it came out in the form of tears soaking through Ben’s shirt.
And after what felt like an eternity, she finally managed a deep breath, before calming down.
“You feel better?” He kissed the top of her head.
Holly nodded as Ben wiped away the tears from her eyes. “That’s good. Baby, you’re just having a holiday breakdown. That’s normal.”
Holly stared at him, shocked.
“It is. It happens to most people. Especially people that try to control everything, and actually end up controlling nothing.” He bopped her nose with his finger.
“Ben…”
“Hear me out. It’s not about making everything perfect, Holly. It’s about making memories. And we are making memories. Stressing yourself out as much as you are isn’t going to work. You aren’t enjoying the holiday season. Instead, you are two seconds from strangling everyone you come in contact with.”
“Am not.”
Ben cocked his brow at her.
“Okay, fine. Maybe a little,” she huffed.
When Ben didn’t say anything Holly’s brows knitted together. “Whatever, mister, you just jumped to the top of the strangle list.”
The corner of Ben’s mouth quirked up as he winked at her. “That could be fun.”
“Ben,” she growled as a chuckle escaped her at his attempt to lighten the mood.
“See, laughing is better than anger.”
Holly took another calming breath, knowing Ben was right. Plus, it felt good to finally get all of this off her chest. It’d weighed her down, which only ended up causing more stress on her. “I guess. It’s just I really do want to make everything special.”
“And you are. Holly, our kids love you.” The palm of Ben’s right hand rested on the small of her back pushing her closer to his body. “They are happy, healthy, and loved. You already make them feel special.” Ben placed his other hand under her chin, making Holly look directly into his eyes. “You’re an amazing mom, Holly Richman. I’m proud of you.”
As she looked at him, she felt his words.
She knew he was right. Jimmy always told her how happy he was and that he loved her and Helen.
Well, Helen was the perfect little baby. Holly still couldn’t believe how well-behaved and happy she was. Then there was Ben. The love of her life. Something inside of Holly relaxed as she watched him. Ben always made things better. She might be in the midst of losing her mind, but somehow, Ben always brought her back down to reality.
Plus, he really was right. It wasn’t about making the holidays perfect. It was about making memories.
Memories were what we’d take with us as we grow older through the years, and trying to force everything to be a certain way is only a recipe for disaster. What kind of memories would those bring back years later?
An annoyed Holly and a miserable Christmas. That’s what. She wanted to punch herself.
Holly shook her head as she really took a moment to let everything sink in. As long as they had each other and their family nothing else really mattered. Thankfully, she would always have her Adonis to remind her. A soft smile formed on her lips. “I love you, Ben.”