“So, you came here ‘cause you knew I was working?”
“Duh, who else do I get the best stories from? My gal-pals live for your antics. You’re their highlight of the week.”
“Great, not only does my own family troll me, so does you and your stupid knitting club.” Holly went back to searching the internet trying her best to ignore the crazed woman sitting on top of the desk.
“Let me get this straight, your family was making fun of you for cooking, and now you’re here at work annoyed at them?”
Holly rolled her eyes. “A little. I’m not really annoyed, but I’m going to get them back for it. Especially, Ben.”
“Really, how so?”
Holly turned the computer around to face Mildred. On the screen was a horde of holiday elf costumes. They were in all different sizes, colors, and shapes. They had everything from pointy ears all the way down to green pointy toe shoes with bells on them. Holly’s smile widened as she thought of everyone dressed up. They’d probably grumble about it, but dang they would be adorable!
“I don’t get it.”
“Ugh.” Holly’s eyes flicked upwards. “Of course, you don’t. I’m gonna make everyone dress the same for our holiday Christmas card.”
“And that’s a punishment?” Mildred cocked her brow.
“It will be when they realize they have to wear the pointy shoes and ears! That’s what they get for making fun of me. Oh, and check this out…” Holly clicked through the site with the mouse. “They have the same costume for pets. I can get one for each of the dogs and Twitch. We’re all gonna be Santa’s little helpers’ whether they like it or not.” And, I’ll be damned if Waffles tries to fight me for putting clothes on him again.
“And what did Ben have to say about it?”
“He doesn’t know yet. And he isn’t gonna say anything. This is happening. It’s our first Christmas together as a whole family and this is what we’re doing. And, so help me if any one of them tries to argue, I will bake them cookies and force them to eat ‘em.”
“You wouldn’t?” Mildred’s face held a repulsion Holly hadn’t seen in a while.
“Try me.”
Mildred held up her hands in surrender. “You sure are snarky. Christmas is only a few weeks away. Aren’t you supposed to be all jolly and stuff? Did someone pee in your food this mornin’?” Mildred smirked. “Well, at least you didn’t cook it.”
Holly narrowed her eyes as her lips thinned. “I am jolly.”
“If you call that jolly, then I’m Mother Teresa.”
“I am jolly. Can’t you see it on my face?” Holly pointed at herself. “See, ho, ho, ho, and all that shit.”
“Sure, you’re super jolly and festive right now. I see the holidays coming out of your ears.” Mildred rolled her eyes.
“I am damn it. It’s Jimmy’s first Christmas with us and Helen is here now. I’m gonna make this the most perfect Christmas anyone has ever seen and I will kill anyone that ruins this for me. You hear me?”
“Hold your horses there, tiger.”
“No. I need this to be good for everyone. Jimmy deserves the world and so does Helen. Poor Jimmy has been through enough and I never want him to feel the way he did ever again. Not to mention, this is Peanut’s first Christmas. So, it has to be special for both of them. I won’t accept anything else.”
“It will be. Relax. You’re stressing yourself out when really you need to be enjoying the season. Instead, you’re here hate buying stupid elf costumes for some Christmas card you won’t get out in time.”
Holly’s mouth dropped at Mildred’s statement. “How could you?”
“You know I’m right, and good luck getting Henry in one of those things.” She pointed at the screen.
“My dad will stuff his butt into a costume or he’ll have to suffer my wrath.”
“Okay there, killer. Got it. Just make sure I’m around or at least record it for me. I don’t want to miss that.” Mildred softened as she looked at Holly, sighing. “You’re trying to make this Christmas the best holiday you can and you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You’re gonna find out it’s all too much and then you’ll end up blowing up your kitchen….” Mildred nodded but then stopped. “Actually, that’ll be good material. I’m here for it. Your meltdowns give me and my gal-pals endless entertainment. Carry on.”
“You know what, you’re no longer invited to Christmas Dinner.”
Holly: one.
Mildred: zero.
“I’m still gonna show up.”
She would too. “I’ll have Waffles guard the door, so you can’t come in.”
“Like he’s gonna leave the kitchen?” Mildred burst out into a deep laugh. “Man, you crack me up. My knitting club is going to eat this up tonight.”
“You’re knitting group can kiss my ass. This will be perfect and I will murder all of you to get it that way. Don’t make me tell you again.”
“So much violence. I think I’m gonna have to call Benny boy and tell him you need a good workout to deal with your aggression.” She winked. “I’m sure he can pound some sense into you.”
“Stop talking about my husband pounding me.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you need to get laid.”
“For your information, I got laid last night!”
Mildred quickly grabbed her pen and paper and eyed Holly. “Oh, really, tell me all about it.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“No, I’m amazing and you’re jealous.”
“Why yes, of course, that’s the answer. I’m jealous of a horny, million-year-old lady who talks too much.”
“So, you admit you’re jealous of me then? It’s about time really. Now, we can move on from this and get to the good stuff. Like what happened last night.”
“Mildred!” Holly threw a pencil at her head, but the crazy old bat caught it with ease.
“Thanks, my pen was running out of ink. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you, missy.” Mildred shook her head as she shoved her pad back into her pocket.
“Put me out of my misery.”
“Nah, then my knitting club would be boring.” Mildred popped herself off the desk before turning back to Holly. “I’m glad we had this little chat. You’ve given me tons of stuff. Not to mention, you helped me hone one of my skills. I knew it was your fault. Told you I was a detective.” Mildred sent her a smug look before she sashayed herself through the library headed toward the true-crime section.
“That’s it, I’m getting you and your husband elf costumes too, and I’m gonna make you wear them!”
Mildred looked over her shoulder at Holly. “Oooh, sounds like fun. Maybe you should order me two pairs. I bet a little role play will be in order and I have no idea the state the first one will end up in once hubby gets his hands on me.”
Holly physically gagged as she shuddered in disgust. “Mildred! There are people in here.”
The old woman scanned the room and shrugged. “Maybe it’ll give them some inspiration? The holidays are coming up, you know. Everyone can use a little spice in their life. Maybe that could be their gift to each other.” Mildred glanced to the right where the true-crime section was and then to her left where the romance books were. “On second thought, I think I’m going to get some inspiration myself.” With that, Mildred beelined it straight toward the romance section with an extra pep in her step.