Kacey picked me up and carried me over to my own bed. She carefully laid me down and pulled the comforter over me. “I have a feeling you might not remember that it happened either, so what do you say I just snuggle with you until you fall asleep?”
I nodded my head as I let out a big yawn, then pulled down the covers so she could crawl in. Once she was in the bed, I laid my head on her chest and listened to her heartbeat, saying a prayer that it would somehow always beat for me. “Goodnight. Don’t forget. K Squared for…” I drifted off to sleep before I could finish my sentence.
When I woke up the next day, Kacey was no longer in my bed, but there was a note from her on my nightstand. My heart melted as I read the words she had written over and over:
Good morning, beautiful! I hope you’re feeling okay this morning. Sorry I didn’t stay over. I didn’t want your roommate to be sick of me before the semester even starts. I just wanted to let you know how good` it felt to be back in your arms. I can’t wait to experience this semester (and hopefully many more) with you.
Kacey
P.S. K Squared Forever <3
***
I stared down at the flyer on my kitchen table. The Bellman Community Carnival was a week away. It had been years since I went to the carnival—ten to be exact—but I started to re-think sitting it out again as I read the words that seemed to pop off the page at me. After ending the previous night with Kacey on a weird note, I contemplated whether I should ask if she wanted to go to the carnival with me. If I was determined to make this friendship work, I had to try to let go of what happened in the past, and that wouldn’t be possible if we didn’t spend time together. Avoiding Kacey wasn’t an option, so I took out my phone and dialed her number.
Much to my surprise, she picked up after just two rings. “Kari. Hey. I didn’t expect to hear from you again so soon.”
I cleared my throat, trying to buy myself some time to figure out what I wanted to say. “Um… yeah. I don’t know if you saw the flyer that came in the mail, but the Bellman carnival is next week.”
“I did. Man, it’s been a while since I’ve gone to that. We didn’t miss a year in college.”
“Yeah. That’s what I’m calling about, actually. I was wondering if you wanted to go with me. I thought it could be fun… for Bailey.”
“Oh. Of course. We would both love that.”
“Awesome. It’s a...” I cut myself off before I made the mistake of saying date. “A thing.” I cringed at myself. A thing? Really? What was wrong with me?
To my surprise, Kacey let out a lighthearted laugh. “All right, then. If I don’t see you sooner, I’ll see you next weekend for our thing.”
As soon as I hung up, I clicked on Bo’s name to send him a text. Bellman carnival with me, Kacey, and Bailey next weekend?
Bo’s reply came back almost immediately. Depends. Are you going to make it weird?
One thing I loved about Bo was his pull-no-punches attitude, even if it resulted in me getting called out. I’m going to try really hard not to. No guarantees.
Good enough for me. I’ll be there, weirdo.
***
Two hours into the carnival, and it was going surprisingly well. We had played a few games, stuffed our faces with way too much food, and had successfully avoided bringing up the past. The sun was setting and the air was getting cooler, signaling that it was almost time for us to go. That’s when my eyes settled on the Ferris wheel. I loved Ferris wheels from the time I was a little girl, but hadn’t been on one in ten years.
“You want to go on the Ferris wheel, don’t you?” Kacey asked.
“No, that’s okay. It’s getting late. We should probably go.”
“Kari hates Ferris wheels,” Bo said with a laugh. “The few times we’ve been somewhere with a Ferris wheel, she refused to go on it.”
Kacey looked between Bo and me, confusion written all over her face. “What? That’s not right. We couldn’t leave anywhere with a Ferris wheel until we went on it at least once.” As she said the words, a realization seemed to settle over her face, and she gave me a look I couldn’t quite read. “We should go on the Ferris wheel. I know you want to.”
I tried to blow it off with a laugh. “Really. I’m fine.”
“Kacey’s right. We should definitely go on the Ferris wheel.” Bo snapped his fingers over dramatically as if he just had an epiphany. “On second thought, I promised Bailey we would go get cotton candy, so you two should go.”
I laughed awkwardly. “Oh, I don’t—”
“Don’t be weird, remember?” Bo leaned in close and whispered softly so only I could hear.
I smiled at Kacey. “What do you say? Wanna go on the Ferris wheel with me?”
She nodded in response and we headed toward the Ferris wheel while Bo and Bailey went in the opposite direction to find cotton candy. There was barely a line, so it wasn’t long before we were seated across from each other and starting to move. I looked around as our cart climbed higher and higher, keeping my eyes on the setting sun rather than looking at Kacey. When we reached the top, we came to a stop.
“This brings back some good memories, doesn’t it?” Kacey asked, breaking the silence between us.
I winced as I thought about the last time we were at this carnival and on this Ferris wheel. The memory wasn’t a happy one for me. “I wouldn’t exactly call it a good memory. This carnival was one of the last nights we ever spent together. You left less than a week later.”
Kacey’s smile dropped. She stared at me and rubbed the back of her neck as if she was suddenly nervous. “Why do you insist on doing that?”
“Doing what?” I asked, even though I had an idea of what she was referring to.
“Why do you have to take every positive thing that happened between us and turn it into a negative? I know I hurt you, but that doesn’t mean that the time we had together wasn’t amazing.”
I put my head into my hands and gently massaged my forehead, wishing I could be doing anything other than having this conversation. When I finally looked up, Kacey was still staring at me expectantly. “Everything is tainted. I’ll think of a good time, but my mind automatically goes to the heartbreak that followed. I think part of it was a defense mechanism I developed. It wouldn’t hurt so bad being without you if I didn’t think about how perfect it was with you.”
Kacey reached across the cart and took my hand, the warmth from her touch spreading throughout my body as if she were a blanket covering me on a cold fall night. “I’m here now.”
Her words were simple, but I felt my body relax from just that one sentence. She was right. She was here. It might not be in the same capacity she was before, but whose fault was that? The only thing holding Kacey back from me was myself. If I wanted to truly be friends with her, I couldn’t keep holding her at arms length, because what was the point? I let my thoughts drift back to the last time we were in this exact spot together, and for the first time in a long time, smiled as the memories washed over me.