***
When I arrived at my parents’ house a few hours later, I immediately pulled Kylie aside. “Please tell me you didn’t have sex with Bo last night,” I said, trying not to make a face.
Kylie looked at me seriously. “Of course I didn’t have sex with Bo. First of all, neither of us would pursue anything without talking to you first. Even drunk, we get that. Making out is one thing. Having sex is a whole other ball game. Second of all, I ended up throwing up like five minutes after we made out.”
I laughed. “That’s the reaction I would expect to have to making out with Bo. I wouldn’t expect it from you.”
Kylie smirked. “Oh, making out with Bo was great. I’m getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. He doesn’t kiss like other guys. It’s like—”
I held up my hand. “Ew, stop. I can’t listen to this.”
“I don’t know why you get so weird about Bo. I could honestly do a lot worse. He’s a great guy.”
I sighed. “Bo is a great guy. I obviously know that. He’s my best friend. But because he’s my best friend, I also know how he talks about girls. I wouldn’t want you to be just another notch on his bedpost.”
“Bo is a big teddy bear. I think he talks that way to you because he sees you as one of the bros. I don’t even know if he means it. When was the last time you actually heard about him being with a girl? We’re talking about the guy who held my hair as I threw up last night, then slept on the couch so I could have his bed. He didn’t try anything. He was a total sweetheart. Speaking of which. I had to sleep at his house because a certain someone left me last night. Maybe I should be the one asking you if you had sex.”
I rolled my eyes. “No. I didn’t have sex. I did end up at Kacey’s though. Figure I might as well tell you since I know it’ll be your next question. No sex. Just a lot of embarrassing myself.”
Kylie laughed. “I don’t understand why you and Kacey won’t just face the fact that you’re meant to be together.”
“Because we’re not,” I answered a bit too quickly, trying to ignore the heavy feeling in my gut. “We’re friends.”
Kylie let out a low whistle and when I glared at her, she put both hands in the air. “I’m just saying. I wish I had a friend that looked at me the way Kacey looks at you.”
I was about to answer when my mom walked over to us. “What are you girls talking about over here? It looks serious.”
“Nothing,” I answered at the same time Kylie said “Kacey.”
My mom’s face lit up. “Speaking of Kacey, I need to talk to you about something privately, Kari.”
I swallowed hard as my sister walked away, leaving my mom and me alone, not sure where this conversation could possibly go. “What’s up?”
“I need to apologize for something.” My mom let out a long sigh, as though it was painful to say this. “I was wrong to tell you to be careful with Kacey. Seeing the pain you went through after she broke your heart was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I hated her for doing that to you. But after talking to her and spending more time with her and Bailey, I get it. She was young and scared, but she’s come a long way. Most importantly, she’s every bit as in love with you as she was ten years ago and I know you’ll try to deny this, but you’re in love with her too. That’s the real deal. If you can be apart from someone for ten years and still love them, that’s real. Screw being safe. This is one time you’re risking a lot more by playing it safe.”
I opened and closed my mouth a few times, unsure what to say. Between Kacey’s confession and my mom’s speech, it was a lot to process. Why did everyone insist on making this something more? Why couldn’t it just stay how it was? Wasn’t it good this way? Before I could stop them, tears were streaming down my face.
My mom wasted no time pulling me into her arms and kissing my forehead. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want you to be happy.”
I pulled back and wiped at my eyes. “I am happy. At least, I think I am.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. Kacey makes me really happy. Ever since she came back into my life, everything just feels better. But do you know how scary that is? It’s terrifying to know that someone has that much of a hold over my life. I can’t give my heart to her, Mom. I just can’t. It could hurt me way too much.”
“You might get mad at me for saying this, but I think you already gave her your heart. You’re trying to protect something that you’re not even holding onto anymore. What you really need is the trust that Kacey isn’t going to break what you’ve already given her.”
“But how do I get that?”
My mom looked sad about my question. “I can’t tell you that. That’s something you need to figure out on your own.”
I nodded my head, trying to decide what all of this meant. “I think I just need time and space.”
“You do whatever you think is best, baby girl.” Even though her words were supportive, I could tell my mom didn’t agree with my methods, but she was right. It was my choice to make, and it seemed like the only choice, even if I didn’t like it.
***
I let the space between Kacey and I grow even bigger in the weeks following New Year’s. We still texted, but they texts became more sporadic and I kept coming up with excuses as to why we couldn’t see each other. When January eighteenth rolled around, I knew it would be wrong to keep avoiding her. I was normally terrible at remembering special dates, but the eighteenth was one that I could never forget. I knocked on Kacey’s door, worried about how she might react to seeing me after I had clearly been blowing her off the past few weeks.
Bailey opened the door and her eyes went wide when she saw it was me. “Kari! You’re here.” She wrapped her arms around me. “I missed you. Did you know today is my mom’s birthday?”
I lifted up the gift bag I was holding. “I know. That’s why I’m here. I brought her a gift.”
Bailey opened the door even wider. “Come in. She’s going to be so excited you're here. She missed you. I can tell. She’s getting ready, so we can go to the movies. It’s a tradition. Every year on her birthday, we go to the movies, then out to dinner, and then we both pick out a fancy cupcake at the bakery and bring them home to eat them. My mom said there is a bakery here too, which is good because I was worried. Do you have plans? You should come with us.” When Bailey stopped talking, she took a deep breath as if she hadn’t taken the chance to breathe.
“Bailey? Who are you talking to?” Kacey asked as she walked down the stairs.
My breath caught in my throat when I saw her. She wasn’t wearing anything fancy—just a Bellman crewneck and jeans—but she looked fantastic. When her eyes met mine, I was hit with the realization of how much I missed her over the past few weeks. I had convinced myself I was okay pulling away, but being back in her presence felt like falling into bed after a long hard day. It felt like coming home.
“You came,” she breathed, as if she was expecting it, but still surprised.