“Perfect,” Aly shouted over the rushing wind.
I took us all the way to the top and pulled into one of the parking lots. Aly climbed off the back, careful to avoid the exhaust pipe. Before I let her get on my bike the first time, I’d drilled it into her head a million times over that it was hotter than all hell and would give her the burn of her life if she even brushed against it.
She unclasped the white helmet from her chin that she looked all kinds of adorable in, grinning at me as she shook her hair free.
Yeah, I’d fucking bought that for her, too.
God, I was in deep.
I pulled her in for a quick kiss and hooked my thumb under her chin. She beamed up at me. That thing that almost felt like joy rose up in me again.
That feeling had to be the most terrifying part of all.
“Come on, let’s go find a trail.” I took her hand and cautiously began to lead her down a narrow path. The rocky trail wound through thick desert brush, sparse trees, and overgrown cacti. The sky simmered with intense blue, the temperature so high heat waves sagged on the packed ground. We hiked down to a small overhang that looked out over the expanse of city that seemed to go on forever.
I tugged her from behind me and tucked her back to my chest. Slipping my hands around her waist, I secured my chin on her shoulder and pressed my cheek into hers. Held her close as I could get her.
For what seemed like forever, we said nothing, just stared at the beauty laid out in front of us.
“It’s gorgeous up here,” she finally whispered as she looked out over the horizon.
I nuzzled her neck, because that’s exactly what she was.
“Thank you for bringing me up here.” She ran her fingers over my knuckles, my hands splayed out over her stomach, locking her to me.
Aly sighed and sank deeper into my hold.
I blinked, trying to make sense of the thoughts that jumbled my mind, the words that fought for release. They sat on my tongue for the longest time, before they finally broke free. “My dad used to always bring me up here.” My voice cracked, but I couldn’t stop myself from speaking. “One day a month he’d plan some father-and-son day, pack us a lunch, and take me out somewhere cool… hunting or hiking or whatever I wanted to do. This was one of my favorite places.”
Why the fuck was I telling her this? And why did I feel compelled to bring her here? To share it? But I did.
“I remember that,” she said quietly. She released a small, wistful laugh. “I used to hate those days. Christopher and I would run up and pound on your door to ask if you could come out and play, and your mom would tell us you were with your dad.” She expelled a delicate snort. “It’s funny how we see things so differently when we’re kids.” She paused, before she admitted quietly, “It makes me really happy to know you cherished those days with him, Jared.”
My chest tightened as the wounds flared. I squeezed her closer and tried to stuff them back inside with all the other shit I’d let slip away. With the memories of what I’d ruined.
“Do you ever think of finding him? Finding your sister? Visiting them?” she asked.
With her words, the memories only thrashed and the anger surged.
“I ruined my dad’s life, Aly. He doesn’t want to see me.” Echoes from that last night flooded my mind. The circumstances had been blurred in the haze of drugs and alcohol and pain, warping and skewing his face, but there was no mistaking the disgust that had been written there. “He didn’t come to my sentencing… didn’t come to speak for me.” Not that I’d expected him to. “He stood aside and let them send me away, and there’s no going back.”
She paused, and her hands clamped down on mine. “What if you’re wrong, Jared?”
I swallowed the lump wedged deep in my throat. “I’m not.” I knew I should push her away because this girl who had managed to sink her fingers into my spirit was going to end up as just another one of them – a fucking perfect memory to torture me through the rest of my worthless life.
Instead I clung to her, crushed her to me because I couldn’t stop myself from taking from her until the moment she was taken from me.
The next night I was antsy. I hadn’t seen Aly since early in the morning when I’d climbed from her bed to get ready for work. By the time I got back to the apartment, she’d already left for her lunch and dinner shift at the café.
Christopher lounged on the couch next to me watching TV, wearing nothing but an old ratty pair of jeans and with hair to rival any ’eighties rock band, though I doubted very much he’d put any effort into making it look that way. I sat there next to him, pretending to be doing something other than sitting there waiting for his sister to get home.
I knew I needed to start looking for my own apartment. I was beginning to feel like a loser sleeping on their couch, even though I’d been giving Christopher a third of the rent. But I’d only be lying if I chalked it up to the money. Christopher wouldn’t care one way or the other. He’d welcomed me, given freely when all I’d done was turn around and take advantage of him and his generosity, deceiving my oldest friend when I’d promised him there was nothing going on between Aly and me. But how could I admit it to him? He’d already made it clear he’d never be okay with it. I mean, fuck, I wasn’t okay with it. It wasn’t like I could blame the guy for wanting to protect his baby sister.
Guilt over it had been impossible to shake, too. Every morning I’d study him, wondering when he would finally see through all my bullshit. Hiding away with Aly covered my consciousness like a shroud of shame. And like the asshole I was, I still stayed.
“Timothy is having another party tonight. I’m going to head over there in a little while. You wanna come?” Christopher asked, confirming my suspicion that he actually liked having me around.
I glanced over the bar at the clock on the microwave. It was just after nine. Aly would be home soon.
“Nah, man, I have to be up at six for work in the morning. I might walk over to The Vine for a couple beers to unwind, but I can’t come stumbling in at three in the morning the way you always do.” I smirked at him while guilt wound me tight. It was the same excuse I’d used the first morning he asked me where I’d been when he got home and I wasn’t on the couch. Of course, my bike had been sitting like a witness of my guilt in the parking lot downstairs. I’d claimed I couldn’t sleep so I walked to The Vine to grab a beer when I’d really been locked in Aly’s room.
Aly would be worth any lie if I knew I wasn’t slowly destroying her, if there was even a chance that what was happening behind her door wasn’t going to end in ruin.
“God, do you always have to be the responsible one all the time? You kill my buzz just looking at you.” Christopher smiled, all easygoing and cool.