I tucked my chin to take in Aly’s expectant eyes. They just watched me, comprehending too much. With a shaky hand, I reached out and fused myself to her, winding a lock of her hair around my finger. I turned my attention to the motion, fixed on it, as if holding Aly this way could somehow keep her from slipping away.
“I remember her coming up behind me while I stood at the mirror getting ready for school that morning. She’d wrapped her arms around my waist and told me it didn’t matter how old I got, I would always be her baby. The whole week before I turned sixteen, whenever I walked into the room, she’d stop what she was doing to take me in. Her gaze would drift over me like she saw something fading away. She just kept saying she couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed.”
And I’d never suspected time was getting ready to end.
My tone hardened. “She picked me up after school in that fucking car my dad had promised me as long as I got good grades and stayed out of trouble.”
Saliva pooled in the back of my throat. I swallowed hard, lines denting my brow as I got lost in that day.
“She drove me there, telling me stories the entire way.” I flinched, remembering how soft, how sweet, her voice had always been. “She kept peering out the windshield up at the sky. She had this look on her face, Aly… almost like she was a little bit sad. She told me that day felt almost exactly the same as the day I’d been born. That the sky was blue and the air was cool.”
I remembered it so clearly.
“I was so anxious for you to come,” she said, her somber eyes brimming with affection. “I kept thinking you were going to be born early because I was huge.” She laughed, slanting a knowing smile over at me. “But your grandma told me not to worry, I’d know when it was time. Your dad and I were sitting outside when I felt you, and I knew I was going to meet you that day. It feels just like yesterday.”
A ragged breath wheezed into my lungs. Aly’s fingers trembled along my jaw, her touch overwhelming amid the sickness clawing at my spirit, surging up, pressing down.
“She took me to my driver’s test. Afterward I walked out of that building with my license thinking I was the coolest fucking thing in the world.”
Revulsion boiled under the surface of my skin. Searing. Burning. Blackening.
“She tossed the keys at me, and she said, ‘I think these belong to you.’” I almost sneered. I’d never forget the pride that had filled her voice.
Aly exhaled, shaky and hard, her attention jumping all over my face like she had no idea where to look, and still I continued. “When we got in the car, she said she wanted to take me out to eat… to celebrate… just the two of us. But all I cared about was myself, Aly. All I cared about was the party your brother had planned for me and the fucking girl I was supposed to meet up with there. I lied to her… ” The word cracked, and my finger twisted tighter in her hair.
If I’d just slowed down… if I had taken one goddamned hour and given it to her, then I wouldn’t have taken it all.
“I told her I had a big project that was due on Monday and I had to go to this girl’s house to work on it when I knew I was going to be spending the night partying with my friends.”
I could so clearly feel it, the way my chest had felt so full. Like I was in control. Like nothing could touch me. Indestructible.
I’d never thought of myself as a bad kid. I mean, I was no angel, but I’d always hated when I disappointed my mom and dad.
But I’d been wrong. I’d been selfish. The worst kind of fool.
“I was in such a hurry, and she kept telling me to slow down. We were almost home. I knew I should stop… that the truck was too close… but I just gunned the engine and turned left across the intersection.”
A tremor rolled down the length of Aly’s body, and silent tears dripped unchecked down her face. Gripping her face between my hands, I forced her to look at me.
“She was screaming, Aly, fucking screaming at me to stop and I went anyway because all I wanted to do was get home so I could go back out.” My throat felt like gravel, and beneath the girl, I shook, the horror of that moment so clear, so vivid. Just like every night, it was like I could reach out and stop it. But I could never change what I’d done.
“That truck hit us so hard,” I said, my voice low and rough. “Everything was so loud… God, Aly, it was so loud.”
I could still hear it – piercing – the sound of metal shearing as my entire world was ripped apart.
“It was like I was weightless or something, but everything was heavy at the same time. Then we were jolted into this suffocating standstill. It was so quiet… too quiet.” I sucked in a breath through my gritted teeth, reliving the pain of that moment. “I hurt everywhere, and I couldn’t even make sense of why. Then I heard her moan.” I forced the words out over the panic that bubbled up in my throat. “But it was my name, Aly… she was fucking saying my name, fucking crying for me.”
My heart thundered, and my hands constricted on Aly’s face. Her tears seeped into the webs of my fingers. She placed her hand over one of mine, holding me close. “It’s okay,” she murmured. Drawing my hand back, she kissed across my knuckles. “It’s okay.”
And I could feel it, the tears locked up inside that could never be shed, the ball of unspent sorrow that had burdened me for all of this condemned life. Agitation curled with it and sent a rush of anger surging through my veins. “When I looked at her… ” My voice shook. “She was staring at me with this shocked horror, like she didn’t know what’d happened any more than I did.” I drew in a faltered breath. “But then I saw the blood. It was running down one side of her head and cutting across her face… but her shirt… it was soaked. God, I wanted to reach for her so bad, to help her, but I couldn’t move my arms. I could hear the sirens… they were coming… but she was breathing all funny. I was so scared, Aly… and I wanted to cry but I couldn’t… .”
I could never forget it, could never outrun it, the way she’d struggled to speak, my name ragged on her lips.
“Jared… ” She shuddered as she tried to smile, her face so sad when she promised me, “It’ll be okay.”
“It’ll be okay,” Aly whispered frantically, breaking free to kiss the rose at my chest, her fingers digging into my skin, promising again, “It’ll be okay.”
I grasped her by the outside of her shoulders. “It’s not okay, Aly. Don’t you get that? It’s never gonna be okay. I killed my mom. I sat there and watched her die.”
“No, Jared – ”
Anger raged. I shook her. “Don’t.”