Aly slowly slid down my back, never let go as she found footing on the floor and wrapped herself around my waist. She buried her face in the small of my back. Pleading hands locked to my stomach, clinging to me as if I were something other than the piece of shit her brother knew I was. As if I were something more than ruin.
But this was the only thing I knew.
I stared down at my oldest friend as he climbed to his hands and knees, his head hanging. Blood dripped steadily from his face onto the floor. He pulled up his shirt and wiped his face, his back heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He cocked his head up.
He no longer appeared angry. He just looked like he felt sorry for me. “Just go, Jared. Get out and don’t come back.”
I began to back away, raising my hands in surrender. Because I was already gone.
From behind, Aly’s arms tightened. “No.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled into the disordered air spinning through the room. I didn’t even fucking know who I was apologizing to. I guessed both of them. No doubt, I’d done both of them wrong.
“Nnnnn… no. Jared, no. Please stay.” Aly fought to hold on to me, but I wrestled away from the desperate hands clinging to my hips. I turned around to face the girl who’d become my refuge. A moment’s respite in the life that had become my death sentence. Everything I’d never wanted to see shone up at me… love and heartbreak and belief in what could never be.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. Because I really fucking was. I bunched her hands together and pressed them tightly between mine because I didn’t want to let go. Then I gently nudged her back. “I’m so sorry, Aly, but you know I can’t stay here.”
Leaving her standing there, I ran out into main room and pulled on a pair of jeans, a tee, and my boots. It both crushed and relieved me that she didn’t follow.
It took me all of five seconds to pack my things.
The only things that mattered I was leaving behind.
I slung my bag over my shoulder and hit the door. My feet pounded on the concrete stairs.
I was halfway across the lot when Aly’s fractured voice pelted me from behind. “Jared, don’t leave. Please… don’t leave me.”
The sound broke against my ears, pain lacerating me deep. I fucking couldn’t stand listening to her cry, especially knowing I’d caused it. Tentatively, I chanced glancing behind me to find the girl who’d shaken something loose inside me. I really had been a fool to think she wouldn’t follow.
She’d stopped long enough to pull on a pair of pajama pants. Now she ran barefoot down the stairs, that perfect face splotchy and red. Anguished.
Shit.
How was I supposed to deal with this? With her? With what I’d done?
Slowly, I turned, my arms held out at my sides in resignation as Aly closed the space between us. I continued to walk backward, because there was nothing else I could do.
She’d been the only one who managed to move me, a touch of joy in the unbearable dark.
Hot air gusted through the parking lot, and I was pretty sure it was fucking impossible to breathe. I never should have come here. Never should have touched her. Never should have taken what could never be mine.
“Jared.” Aly was panting when she threw herself in my arms. Lifting her off the ground, I held her close, took comfort in her warmth one more time. I buried my nose in her hair, in the coconut and the sweet and the good and the girl who had for a few moments injected something more than pain into my shattered world.
Her voice came soft at my ear. “Stay.”
Pain knocked at my ribs, pressed and pulsed while I held her near. Slowly, I lowered her to the ground. My hands shook as I brought them up to hold her face. My thumbs ran just under her eyes, brushing away her tears. She was staring up at me, her green eyes swimming with light, with affection, with the admission that had struck me like a stone that had been cast from her mouth.
I kissed her softly, savored the last taste of her as I breathed her in. Aly held me at the wrists, kissing me back, a soft groan from her mouth whispering so many things. She inundated all my senses, her comfort only amplifying the pain.
I drew back and swallowed around the ache. My hold tightened to emphasize my words, my voice strained with the promise of them. “I’m going to walk away and I’m going to forget about you, Aly. And you’re going to do the same.” I squeezed her, my hands pressed into her cheeks soaked with tears. “You’re going to forget about me and find happiness. You’re going to find someone who can love you exactly the way you deserve to be loved.” I lowered myself so I could directly meet her face. “Do you hear me?”
Aly frantically shook her head. “No.”
I blinked hard as I stepped back. “You will, Aly. I promise… it’ll be okay.”
“No, Jared, no.”
I backed away.
Aly clutched her stomach, bent over at the middle.
I turned around, my hands shoved in my pockets as I headed for my bike.
And I could fucking hear her crying, begging me to stay. “Jared, no. Please don’t do this. Don’t leave me. I love you.”
I hopped on my bike and kicked it over. The engine rumbled loud, covering up her cries, blocking her out. I let my bike roll back from the parking spot, and I turned it around. From across the lot, I met the broken face of the girl who was screaming my name, imploring me through her tears. Christopher was holding her from behind, refusing to let her go.
She kicked her legs, struggling to break free. I could see her screaming it again and again.
Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.
I revved the engine to drown her out.
I’d thought it was impossible to hate myself more than I already did. But I realized now, I hadn’t even begun.
Nailed to the spot, I got lost in the torment that I’d inflicted on this girl, wishing for some kind of miracle that could erase it. That I could take it back.
Mocking laughter burned on my tongue. I was always wishing I could take it back.
In hesitation, my feet rocked on the ground, my hand gripping the throttle.
Christopher met my gaze, looking at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking, like he was offering some kind of fucked-up trade. He would take care of her if I would just go.
Aly continued to fight and beg and cry. One last time, I let my eyes lock on her. The engine garbled then roared when I teased at the throttle. Aly screamed as she wept, “Jared… no!”
And I was going to remember her just like that, fucking broken, the spoil of my ruin.
Because this was what I did.