She pulls out the papers, tells us where to sign, and shakes our hands. “I’m sorry for what you went through. You have a lovely family.”
Just like that, it’s over. There is no threat of my daughter being taken from me. Instead, I’m losing my wife.
McKinley sits on the couch and curls her legs up underneath of her. “It’s over, Evan. I’m so happy for you,” she says with tears in her eyes. “You never have to worry about anyone taking her again.”
“Thank you for what you did for us.”
“You’re welcome. I guess I should start packing, huh?”
“No,” I say firmly. “I don’t want you to leave. I need you here.”
She’s quiet for several minutes before she replies. “No, you don’t. You’re a great father. You know what you’re doing. You don’t need me anymore.”
“I do need you. I can’t do this on my own,” I tell her.
She smiles through tears. “Yes, you can, Evan. You don’t need me. I’m still going to come and visit. Mom and I are still going to watch her for you. I love that little girl. You can’t get rid of me that easy.”
“What about me?” I ask her. “You love my daughter, but what about me?”
The dam finally breaks as the tears fall over her cheeks. “Of course, I love you. We’ve been through so much over the last year, but it’s time for me to go.”
“You can’t go. I need you,” I say again.
“No, you don’t. I’m going to go pack a few things and spend the night at Mom and Dad’s. The sooner I start this transition, the better.”
Her words cut through me. I was just about to tell her how much I love her, but she doesn’t love me like that. She cares about me and this is sad for her, but it’s not tearing her heart out of her chest like it is mine.
I don’t say anything. I can’t even look at her for fear I will drop to my knees and beg her to stay, beg her to live the rest of her life with us. She stands from the couch and I turn my head. I listen as her footsteps disappear up the stairs. My blurry gaze locks on Lexington and my chest aches for my little girl. She loves McKinley just as much as I do, and she’s leaving. It doesn’t matter what I say…she’s ending this. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t know it would feel like this—like I can’t breathe, like my heart is physically broken into pieces.
I don’t even know how much time passes when she stops in front of me. “I’m leaving. I’ll be back off and on over the next few days to move the rest of my stuff.” I still don’t look at her. “Please give her a hug and a kiss for me when you tuck her in tonight.” Her voice breaks, but I still refuse to look at her.
I can’t.
“Goodbye,” she whispers.
Chapter 55
McKinley
I can’t breathe. Luckily, the drive to my parents’ house is less than five minutes, because I can’t see.
When I pull into the drive, Aaron and my parents are sitting on the front porch. One look at me and they know something’s not right.
“What happened? Are Evan and Lexi okay?” Aaron asks, meeting me at the bottom step.
I don’t answer him. Instead, I throw my arms around him and sob. “Shhh, McKinley, you have to calm down.” He rubs my back, trying to soothe me.
“They’re fine, but it’s over. He doesn’t need me anymore,” I cry.
“I find that hard to believe,” Aaron says. He picks me up and carries me into the house. We sit down on the couch, and I pull the blanket from the back and wrap up in it. “Tell me what happened.”
“CPS came today and they dropped their case. As of about an hour ago, there is no threat of him losing Lexi, so I left.”
“I see. Did he try to stop you?”
“Of course, he did. He doesn’t want to be alone. He’s afraid he can’t do it without me, and he can. He loves that little girl so much.”
“He does,” Aaron agrees. “What did he say when you left?”
“He said that he…that he needed me.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“No, I don’t. He doesn’t need me anymore. He knows how to take care of her. I told him I would still watch her and come by to visit, but I thought it was best if I leave.”
“Come here.” Aaron pulls me into a hug and another round of sobs break free. I can hear him talking to our parents, but I can’t make out what they are saying. I lose myself in the pain that is buried deep in my chest. I thought I could handle this.
I cry on my big brother’s shoulders, taking comfort in his embrace. “He thinks he needs me, Aaron. He doesn’t. He’s never really had to do it alone. I’ve always been there swooping in to save him. I did it when I found out about Misty’s parents and he let me. He thinks he can’t do this on his own, but he can. I had to leave so he could see that,” I explain.
“What if you’re wrong? What if he does need you?” he asks.
“I guess only time will tell, but I don’t know if I can do it. I love him, Aaron. With all that I am, I love him and I don’t know if I can pretend and play this charade anymore. I’ll do anything for him, help him with Lexi any way I can, but I had to leave.”
“Okay,” he says, hearing I’m upset. “Let’s sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning.”
I agree and head up to my room. The bed is cold and lonely. I miss him. I miss them both and it hurts. How am I going to see him every day? That’s my last thought as I drift off to a night of restless sleep.
Chapter 56
Evan
Lexi and I slept downstairs last night, her in her pack-n-play and me on the couch. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep in that bed without her. We’re up early, neither of us getting a good night’s sleep, so when there is a knock on the door at seven, I jump to answer it. Maybe it’s her. Maybe she changed her mind. I rush to the door and pull it open only to find Aaron. “Hey, man,” I say, deflated.
“Wow, don’t break out the welcome wagon or anything.”
“Want some coffee?” I ask, ignoring his jab.
“Sure.” He takes a seat at the table. “So, how did you sleep last night?”
“Like shit,” I say, setting his cup down in front of him.
“Are you going to fight for her?” he asks, cutting to the chase.
“She doesn’t—”
“She does. Trust me, she does. I held my baby sister last night while she cried for hours. She does.”
My chest tightens just hearing she was hurting. “Then why did she leave? I told her I needed her. I asked her to stay. She refused.”
Aaron runs his fingers through his hair. “Fuck! Okay, listen, man. From day one, you’ve needed her. At first, it was to get ready for Lexi, the room, things she would need. Then after she was born, you were timid and unsure, and you needed her then too.”
“I did,” I admit.
“Then, when all that shit went down with Misty’s parents, you needed her. She stepped up and did what she needed to do to help you.”