“That’s literally the equivalent of what Hud knows about my family too. If that helps you feel better.”
“What’s your brother like? Do you look similar? How old is he?” She swallows her next question. “Sorry. I’m listening.”
“He’s my half-brother. On my mother’s side. Although we didn’t find out that we weren’t full-blooded siblings until we were almost adults.” I grumble under my breath. Her interest is enough to flare old jealousies. “He’s a year older. And we are nothing alike. Not in looks or temperament. He’s probably not a bad guy. I assume. He’s a lawyer. Arwen occasionally keeps me up to date. She can’t seem to help it. But I don’t really know him anymore. It’s been so long since we’ve talked.”
“Oh.” She squeezes my hand again.
“Our dad is a competitive man. In business. In family. My very earliest memories are of him praising either Ryder or myself for doing better than the other. And because I was more introverted Ryder had the edge in a lot of ways. Whereas you and Hud formed a tight knit bond after what happened with your parents, mine fostered the opposite between my brother and I. We had to prove ourselves as the best. Constantly.”
“And your sister?”
“Arwen was different. She was the girl. Our job was to protect her and help her and treat her like a princess. Which we still do, because she’s the best of us. But Ryder and I were in competition at every level. It grew worse when we were in high school.” There were a few bruised knuckles. A broken nose. A chipped tooth. I broke my hand.
I rub at my wrist. Sometimes the bones ache when the weather changes. “He was bigger and into sports. I was, well, I’ve always been more tech minded.”
“You were a brain, weren’t you?” The way she says it, sort of breathlessly, like it’s sexy. That’s not something I’m used to. Normally women see me as a hot fuck. Handsome. Physically talented. I’ll never get over how Lily sees me as who I really am.
“Yes. Except that wasn’t enough for my dad. So I was also playing basketball while Ryder was playing football. And we both ended up on the wrestling team. I could hold my own. I won a few trophies.”
“Can I just say I’m devastated that I didn’t get to see you in your leotard. I bet you were adorable.”
“It was a singlet and compression shorts, thanks very much.”
“Either way. All that muscle on display.” She digs her bony elbow into my ribcage. “The girls must have loved you.”
“There was a girl,” I admit, rubbing the spot where her elbow hit.
“The redhead?”
“Actually no.” I snort under my breath. Still remember the first time I saw Jessa at a driftwood party on the beach. Her black hair swaying down her back, the way she flicked a few strands out of her sky blue eyes. Her smile. There was something about her that drew me in. Funny how that resonance turned out to be a totally fucked up instinct.
It was also the first time Ryder saw her. He’d chosen to go to UCLA to study business so he was home a lot, and this particular evening he’d decided to tag along. I hadn’t hesitated when it came to Jessa. Practically knocked down a girl with an armful of solo cups in my haste to beat him to her. Looking back, that wasn’t a real proud moment for me. Hindsight is a bitch. “The redhead came later.”
“Oh. So the girl—”
“Her name was Jessa Kincaid. And Ryder was into her too.” I shrug and bring our joined hands to my chest. “We were already in competition over everything else. Why wouldn’t it be the same for girls too? Except I really liked her.”
“And he stole her away?” she asks.
I laugh. The sound is bitter. It tastes rancid on my tongue. If only it had been that simple. “Well, they’re getting married so it turned out for the best.”
“Does that bother you?” She contemplates our joined hands.
“Honestly?”
She blinks up at me. “Yes.”
I want to open up to her, but it’s so fucking complicated, and I don’t know how to explain to her how I turned out to be the villain in my own origin story. The one thing I can do is be honest with her. “I’m not sure.”
Her phone starts playing the Superman theme song. She tugs her hand out of mine. “It’s Lewis. I better take it.”
She hurries away to take her call.
I’m not sure how I feel about Ryder marrying Jessa or the fact that for some reason which I cannot fathom, I’m expected to be there. What I do know is I have no illusion of feelings when it comes to Jessa.
“Now, where were we?” she asks as she joins me again, but she’s nose deep in her phone, checking out something on the screen.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes. Of course. Just let me…” She starts tapping out a text. “One second.”
“What’s going on?”
“The chandeliers have finally arrived.” She drops her phone in her bag. “And I’m dying to see them in person.”
“Well, let’s get over there then.” I take her hand and kiss her knuckles. I love how enthusiastic she is about her work. The rest of our conversation can wait. At least for now. Sooner or later I’ll have to tell her all my sins, but for now I just want to revel in the way she makes me feel. Unbelievably happy. Like I could spend the rest of my life with her. If she’ll let me.
Chapter Twenty
Lily
Violet Queen: I’m liking the new sound effect. Much cuter.
Cap’N Crunch: Really? Five star cute or…
Violet Queen: Are you flirting with me?
Violet Queen: You know that was a joke right? A bad one at that.
Cap’N Crunch: I know. It’s funny. Actually you and the girl I’m seeing have very similar senses of humor. It’s sort of weird.
Violet Queen: Is that supposed to be a compliment?
Cap’N Crunch: Yeah. Sure. I mean I adore her humor, so…
Violet Queen: So tell me about your girlfriend.
Cap’N Crunch: Is it okay to call someone your girlfriend without permission? I feel like that might be breaking some code of gentlemanly stalking.
Violet Queen: Does she like that? You stalking her?
Cap’N Crunch: Why don’t you ask her?
Violet Queen: Give me her number and I will.
Cap’N Crunch: I don’t think so. How’s your boyfriend?
“It sounds like a real snog fest in here,” Lewis says, dropping onto the sofa beside me and imitating the kissing sound my phone is making. He picks up the remote and flicks through the channels. “I don’t know why you and the Captain decided against meeting up. It sounds like you have a lot to talk about.”
“I’m seeing Vale. You know that.” I put my phone face down on the couch.
How do I answer the captain’s question? I don’t know if Vale’s my boyfriend. I might have accidentally slipped and told him I loved him but managed to cover it up by pretending I was talking to my sandwich. Of course, that was right before he admitted he might still be hung up on his ex from a million years ago. Okay, he didn’t exactly come out and say I’m still in love with Jessa. Or that he was jealous of his brother. But it was almost worse to hear how uncertain he is about his feelings. Because that means they exist in some form. I just don’t know what they mean when it comes to us.