“You knew?” I step back so I can peer into his eyes.
“I figured it out while you were flipping out over the cereal back there.” He points a thumb at the bar where Lake is still serving the masses. “That was you figuring it out too, wasn’t it?”
“How did we not see it?” I ask.
“I think perhaps I did know,” he says cautiously. “On some level. I think I just didn’t want to lose that communication at the start when you weren’t talking to me, so I ignored it.”
“I still don’t understand how I missed it.”
“Does it matter?” he asks. “Does it change anything?”
“No.”
“I remember you in that Sailor Mars costume.” He smirks. “You were so damn cute.”
“I still have it,” I say. “Perhaps I could break it out when we’re home for an extra special evening of fun and sex.”
“Damn, Lil.” His blue orbs turn sultry. His fingers flex on my hips and a puddle of warmth settles in my core. “You’re so just…my ideal girl.”
I lift up on tiptoe and smile against his ear. He might not be ready to tell me how he feels, but that’s okay. I can wait. “Oh captain, my captain.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Vale
Violet Queen: And we’re done. The Gladstone Group loved our work. We’re coming home a day early. Do not let Hud know. I just want to see you tonight.
Cap’N Crunch: Oh thank fuck for that. I didn’t think I could handle another night without seeing you. What time do you get in? Shall I pick up dinner? And wine?
Cap’N Crunch: Your brother is a real pain in the ass. He keeps trying to read over my shoulder.
Violet Queen: Oh no.
Cap’N Crunch: Don’t worry, pretty girl. I’ve got him handled.
Violet Queen: I’ll be at your door at eight. Pizza and wine sounds like a winner. You have no idea how horny I am right now.
I hiss between my teeth as I covertly adjust Goliath who has hulked out inside my jeans while I’m standing here behind the bar. I’m damn lucky he hasn’t torn through my fly.
It’s been a week since that night in the bar in L.A. I almost asked Lily to be my girlfriend. I wanted to… I just… I’m not there yet. And it’s not because I can’t imagine her being my whole world. Every day it becomes more apparent that my feelings for her are growing at a rapid pace. One week back in Chicago without her while she and her besties finish up the hotel renovation and I’m missing her like she’s my dominant arm.
We’ve texted every day to the point where Hud keeps trying to snoop to see who I’m talking to. All week I’ve had to avoid answering my phone around him. We’ve talked for hours each night while lying in bed thousands of miles apart. I miss the weight of her head on my chest. I miss the curve of her ass under my hand and her coconut mango shampoo.
“Big date?” Cal asks me, tapping the pen in his hand against the pad of paper on the counter in front of him.
“No.”
Across the room Hud chats with Fleetwood about paternity leave. At the other end of the bar Pez and Arrow are restocking fridges.
“Bullshit.” Cal smirks. “You’ve been bitten by the love bug. Can’t stop thinking about your girl, can you?”
“You know I don’t go in for all that love schtick.” It’s an attempt to cover the fact that my thoughts keep wandering to Lil.
“That’s how I felt about it too, until it happened to me.”
“Can we not have this conversation?”
Hud is still talking to Fleetwood. They’re laughing over some joke that Hud probably told.
“Oh shit.” Cal swivels to see what has my attention. “It’s Lily, isn’t it? You’ve got a thing for Lily.”
“No. Absolutely not.” I shake my head and wave my hands. Oh God, if he tells Hud, I’m screwed. “No way.”
“You dirty dog. It’s written all over your big, guilty mug in permanent marker.” He reaches across the bar and punches me in the shoulder. “You cannot shit where you eat.”
“It’s not like that,” I say. I’m falling for her. Faster and further than I thought was possible.
The way I felt about Jessa—way back when—it was different. I was obsessed with the instant bond between us and jealous of the connection she formed with Ryder, and I got what was happening between us so wrong. I was already jaded before we started because of my need to compete with my brother for everything. I was blind to what was right in front of me. The shade of her eyes. The shape of her face. The way she smiled.
“It doesn’t matter what it’s like,” he says. “She’s always been off-limits. We all know it. Hell, even the new guys learn that in their induction here. Actually, it’s mentioned at every location, in case she ever finds herself in Malibu or New York or…”
“L.A.?”
“Lily Kelly is not for you. How could you of all people get it so wrong?”
“It’s not wrong. We’re not wrong together,” I snap back. This is the first time I’ve voiced that out loud and I feel lighter for getting it off my chest. “Maybe it shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and I wouldn’t change it if I could.”
“Christ.” He whistles long and low. “You’re really fucked, aren’t you? You have genuine feelings?”
“I’m not a cardboard cutout.”
“Never thought it would happen.” He stares at me like I’ve grown an extra couple of limbs and maybe a couple of heads as well.
“Me either,” I admit.
“Not even a redhead in sight too,” he says.
“Fuck you,” I spit. “I don’t like fucking redheads.”
“Could have fooled us this past, what, twelve years, we’ve known you. You’re practically an urban tale. Women dye their hair to have an opportunity with you, you legendary bastard.”
“I’ve heard the rumors,” I say. Heard them all. Never shared the real reason I’ve stuck with a type all these years.
Cal and I have been friends as long as me and Hud. It’s a different style of friendship. Cal and I are more alike. We’re both quieter. Angrier. We bottle up our shit and bury it deep, deep, deep down. When Cal and Hayley broke up for a while there he finally lost his shit and opened up. It was messy and we all had to deal with the fall out until he sorted himself out.
“I was punishing myself,” I mutter under my breath.
His eyes widen and then narrow. “That’s…”
“Fucked up,” I say.
“Yeah.” He slumps on the stool. “How…what? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I grab a cloth and wipe it over the already clean surface of the bar. I’m coiled tight. There are a million words on the tip of my tongue. “There’s too much… it’s too complicated. It’s too screwed up. Lily makes me feel different from that guy though. She makes me better.”
With Jessa I couldn’t see beyond what I thought I wanted, and I hurt her and destroyed any chance of a relationship with my brother. I took a leaf from my old man’s play book and lied and cheated my way out of a situation that we would never have been in if it wasn’t for him. I broke her heart and Ryder broke my nose while my mother watched with horror in her eyes. And my father said nothing. Not one word. Because he knew we were the same. We both break people to get what we want.