This is so horribly wrong.
I need to be stronger than this. Stronger for Jay.
“How does this end?” I ask him.
He gives me a sad smile. “I don’t know, little bird,” he says looking down at me. “I don’t know what will happen when he finds out.”
I start to answer him, but the moment my lips open with a quick breath, he cuts me off.
“You need to go to bed.”
“Can I sleep with you?” I ask him although I hate myself for it. I crave his comfort, and I know he craves mine. He gently pushes a strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear, looking at me all the while with a tortured gaze.
“I want to touch you,” Jay says and the sadness in his voice is outweighed by desire.
“Then touch me,” I whisper, but it only cues him to stand, leaving me on the floor and staring up at him, the hope dimming with each passing second.
“I don’t trust myself,” he finally says and I shake my head, wiping the sleep and misery from my eyes.
The shame overwhelms me again. I’m so fucked up and broken for wanting him, but I do, so badly. Jay’s hand grips my chin, forcing me to look up at him although the touch is comforting.
“It’s not you, Robin,” he tells me and before I can answer him with a sarcastic remark he says, “I want to make it hurt.” His eyes are dark as he lets his hand fall. He turns his back to me as I let his words sink in. The muscles in his broad shoulders ripple in the dim light as he walks away from me, leaving me behind and he says with finality, “Now go to bed.”
Chapter 15
Robin
I roll over with a groan. The click of a door opening and closing wakes me from my sleep. My eyes hurt, and my head feels heavy. I didn’t sleep enough, but the second I come to, I don’t want to sleep.
Jay. I make a move to get off the bed, but my leg hits something hot and heavy.
I almost scream at the sight of Toby on the sheets, his jaws opening wide with a yawn. It’s a lazy yawn, as if there’s not a damn thing wrong in this dog’s life. He stretches on the bed as I slowly creep away, my heart beating fast even though I repeat to myself over and over that it’s okay. Not all dogs are the same. Just like people.
“He doesn’t want to hurt me,” I whisper with my eyes closed and when I open them, he’s staring back at me.
I notice the flecks of yellow in his chocolate brown eyes. His tongue laps along his sharp teeth and it’s all I can focus on for a moment, but only a moment before the big beast whines at me. The cry is strange as he whimpers and lowers his head, as if I’ve hurt him.
It takes me a moment, his big eyes on me before I climb off the bed, on the far side of the room. My toes hit the plush carpet and the absence of the warmth of the covers leaves goosebumps down my arms and legs. The silk nightgown is simply too thin for the early morning.
The dog’s head raises and he springs from the bed, his large paws thudding on the floor as he rounds the bed. He watches me for a moment before pacing to the door. He’s anxious as he looks back at me.
I worry that he won’t let me shut the door, that he’ll stay there in the doorway, both keeping me in here and also being too close for comfort. I’ve tried so long to rid myself of the fear of dogs and for a long time, it was bearable. But right now, it’s just too much.
“I’m sorry,” I tell Toby as he looks back at me with those eyes, like he doesn’t know what to do with me or what to think of me.
“It’s not you,” I try to talk to the dog, feeling guilty because of the look in his eyes, but the sound of steady steps approaching stops me mid-thought. My heart sputters and turns in my chest as Toby moves out of the room and to the right toward the living room.
“Robin?” I hear his voice before I see him, and already I know it’s John.
He stops in the doorway, his broad frame filling it, with nothing but denim jeans and a crisp white undershirt on although there’s a black smear, obviously a stain on the lower left side. His boots are already on and I find myself staring at them, my heart aching and my throat going dry.
“Are you alright?” he asks me with a lowered voice, looking down the hallway before placing his hand on the middle of the door and pushing it open a bit more. He looks worried, concerned for me and like he’s going to take me away. Like he thinks I want to sneak out.
There’s more stubble lining his jaw today than there was yesterday, and his eyes are red. He didn’t sleep.
“I didn’t sleep well,” I admit to him and avert my eyes as I pick at the hem of my thin nightgown. I wonder what John thinks of me. Of this. Of yesterday, or at least what he knows of it.
John runs his hand through his hair and looks back down the hall again. I can see the words on his lips, the promise to help. Asking me if I want to leave.
But I could never do that.
“When will you be back?” I ask him casually and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I take a step closer to him and cross my arms over my chest.
“I won’t be long,” he says with uncertainty.
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I tell him confidently and feign a smile. I’m sure it doesn’t reach my eyes, but I don’t care. It does what it’s meant to. It gets him to leave without an attempt to take me away.
“I’m looking forward to our session,” I say and keep my voice hopeful as I keep his gaze.
A confused look mars John’s face as he leaves, Toby turning his massive head to follow him.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says looking over his shoulder and patting his hand on the doorway once, hesitating to take a step, but leaving me alone.
I nervously pick at my fingernails, remembering the camera, knowing that I have to go backward in time, back to what haunts me at night, back to what John doesn’t know.
Chapter 16
John
I don’t even remember work today. My hands moved on their own, the task at hand blurring with what was consuming my mind.
The thought of her in the house. Left with Jay.
I finished one order. The only one I had that would bring anyone to my shop at all.
For now, and for the time being, the shop is closed. And every waking moment will be spent in that house with Robin.
I’m not leaving her again.
The doorknob clicks as I sneak into 401 Cadence Square, slipping the pin I used to unlock it into my back jeans pocket. My blood rushes through my veins. I know this is illegal, technically breaking and entering and I look over my shoulder before closing the door behind me. I swallow hard and let out an uneasy breath as I look around the living room.
Residence to Miss Robin Everly. Or former residence, unbeknownst to the rest of the world.
I walk easily into the cozy space. It’s a small ranch house that’s fairly dated, but her furniture and décor are modern and mostly simple. It’s the pop of colors and textures that give it life. They seem odd knowing the bit of her she’s shown me.
There’s a professionalism about the room. Organization that seems more fit for a home design magazine, but the colors are cheery. Bright teal in the designs of the throw pillows and pale yellow stripes on the curtains and rugs. There are a scattering of teal flowers and motivational sayings like ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ on the pictures throughout the place.