“I’m so sorry that you lost Marie, Robin,” John says with such sympathy as he leans forward that it breaks me. “It’s not your fault,” he tells me as if it’s a truth.
“I knew and I couldn’t do anything. And when I left Jay-” My throat closes and refuses to let me take in a breath. My upper body collapses, and I hug my legs close.
Watching her walk away from me was every bit the same as when Jay turned his back on me in the field. He pushed me forward and said he’d stay behind for only a minute, but I knew it.
I knew it would be the last time.
And I still ran.
Marie never gave me the choice.
“Hush,” I hear John say at the same time as I hear the bed creak with movement. I focus on calming myself as John rests a large hand on my back and slowly moves it up and down my back in soothing strokes.
His touch makes everything seem like it really will be okay. Like it’s not my fault.
“It’s alright,” he whispers quietly into my ear. I creep closer to him, taking a chance to reach out and grab onto his other arm. And he lets me, he easily scoops me up and puts me in his lap. His arms wrap around me like they belong there, and it soothes something deep inside of me to be held by him.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers and his hot breath sends a chill from my left shoulder all the way down my body. I let out a gentle moan and desire stirs between my legs. I just want to feel something other than this.
With him.
“Could you hold me close and stay with me?” I whisper my plea. Always afraid of being denied. “Please,” I beg him when he doesn’t answer immediately.
My heart stutters and flips as John slides me off his lap and leaves me. I nearly cling to him, I almost reach up to do just that, to grip onto his shirt and beg him to give me another chance, but I know better.
I watch as he walks to the door, leaving me breathing heavily and alone as the sound of it opening and then shutting again signals he's really gone.
My body trembles as I stare at the comforter, rocking on my own and focusing on the one loose thread. When a click fills the silent room and the door slowly opens, I chance a look up.
“Jay,” I say and swallow thickly. I'm only slightly relieved when he nods at me. I close my eyes and let the wave of gratitude take over.
“Little bird,” he says and his voice is so full of pain.
“Jay, please,” I beg him, not caring how I look or how miserably I’ve failed him today. “I promise I’ll do better, but please.”
“This is for you too,” he tells me softly as he walks to the bed and stops in front of me. I sit there on my knees, looking up at him as though he’s my savior. “It’s for all of us,” he tells me, and it shatters my heart.
“Just hold me,” I beg him although my voice comes out strong.
“It’s too early to sleep.” The memories of him denying me with that excuse rush back. It was always when he’d come back shaken. That’s when he wouldn’t hold me. It wasn’t about me though; it was about him. His arms may have been the ones that wrapped around my body, but the comfort was meant for him. I can’t accept that now. Not right now. I need him too much.
“I don’t want to sleep; I just want you to hold me.” I remember what he said last night, and it makes the pain that much deeper. “Please, Jay. You can hurt me if you want, I deserve it.”
Instantly he pulls me into his chest, holding me closer and tighter than John did. Harder even. “Shh,” he tries to calm me. “You aren’t responsible.”
“You needed me,” I whisper against his chest. But I close my sore eyes and just allow him to calm me, rocking me side to side. Soothing me in a way no one else ever can.
“It was an impossible situation, Robin.” He kisses my hair again like he did last night, and it makes a warmth spread through my chest. My fingers dig into my thighs, keeping me from reaching up to him.
“If you hadn’t left, we wouldn’t be here now, would we?” he tells me softly as he pets my hair with long strokes. It’s relaxing, lulling me to sleep until he adds, “It’s fate. Things are meant to happen a certain way.”
I shake my head, hating his explanation and wanting to shove his hand away, but knowing not to reach up. Fate. Fate would mean Marie was meant to die.
“Please hold me,” I beg him and it reminds me of the first time he ever held me. The first time we both knew we needed each other too desperately to ignore. Before I can add that I’ll take the consequences, whatever they may be, he lies on the bed, making it dip and groan with his weight.
“For a minute,” Jay says and my heart hurts all over again. But at least I have one minute. Just one to hold on to him.
Chapter 18
Jay
Twenty years ago
“If I made a deal with her, do you think she’d hit you?” my father asks me as I sit in the steel chair across the room from him. My body shakes from the cold. My clothes are soaked, and the tips of my fingers are numb.
A deal… is he finally going to let her go?
“I think she would. She wants to leave more than anything,” he says more to himself than to me. I’m afraid to look at him. Afraid that if I do, he’ll tell her to do it.
My little bird.
She’s the only good thing in my world. The only purpose I have in life.
Do I think she’d strike me?
Yes.
She’d do anything to leave, and the thought shreds me. I could see him over her shoulder, whispering promises of freedom if only she’ll listen to him. Just like he did to me for so long.
“Are you letting her go?” I ask him, and the words tremble from my lips.
A rough dry laugh fills the small chamber as he throws a towel at me. It’s small and thin, but it’s something. I keep my movements slow as he paces, still not looking him in the eyes. One day I’ll be stronger than him. One day I’ll kill him for what he’s done.
But he likes to show me how weak I am, and he’s right. I’m no one compared to him.
The rough towel drags over my skin, drying it as he says, “No, of course not.”
He clears his throat, and I chance a look up at him as he stares at the back wall. He turns to look at me ever so slowly, and holds my gaze. My own eyes stare back at me. “She’s too important, boy. And I have so many plans for her.”
His words echo in my head, over and over. Through the screaming of the next session, through the sound of my feet pattering on the cold floor as he takes me back to her.
I only know two things to be true.
If she leaves, I’d rather kill myself than live another day.
And I need to get her out of here.
I promise I’ll find a way out.
I wake up to my heart racing and my body feeling like ice. I stay still, perfectly motionless with my body tense. There’s a thin layer of cold sweat covering me. The nightmares always feel so real. Like it just happened. Like I was back with him, helpless and stuck in that fucking chamber. It’s only after a moment of calming my breathing that I feel her warmth as she stirs beside me.
My little bird. For a moment it makes me feel like I’m back there again, back in the room and I’m quick to look around. But we’re on a bed, a comfortable one with sheets and a blanket. She’s with me though; she came down here to sleep with me.