“Don’t pretend, Jay. I won’t let you do it, too,” I say and there’s a strength to my voice I don’t recognize. I add, “I love you too much.”
I want so desperately for him to say the words back to me. I want to hear it although I feel it deep in my soul already. I want him to acknowledge it more than anything.
It’s quiet for a long moment. My breathing steadies and my eyes drift shut as I listen to the sound of his steady heartbeat and sink deeper into his comforting warmth.
“Do you love him too?” he asks me quietly a moment later.
I don’t answer his question. I can’t. Because right now, I know if I tell him the truth, it will break him. And I’ll never hurt Jay. Never.
Chapter 22
Robin
It’s not snooping if you’re looking for something that will help a person you love.
I’m sure that’s what parents say when they’re searching their children’s rooms and going through their text messages. I need to find something, anything that could show John the truth. Something that’s irrefutable.
I’m sure all the evidence is burned and left in ashes, but that doesn’t stop me from opening one drawer and then the next in Jay’s bedroom.
If only I could find something. The thought makes my heart twist with pain. I don’t want to be the one to show him. I don’t want to be there when he’s forced to face who he is. It’s going to ruin him, but only then will all of us be able to heal.
The sound of the floor creaking makes my eyes whip up to the door, my heart racing. They travel down to Toby and I nearly smile looking at him stretch his back. An easy sigh leaves me, but then I jump at the sight of John.
I put a hand over my heart and try not to look guilty as I push the drawer back in. I didn’t find a damn thing. Jay isn’t one to keep things. Nothing worth any sentimental value. Nothing that reminds him of his past.
“Robin,” John says my name low, as if he’s afraid someone will hear him. Jay.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him as my blood chills and my throat gets tight. “Is everything alright?”
“I think we need to leave, Robin.” I nod my head once, thinking maybe I could convince him to go to the hospital, but he’s not in the right mindset. He wouldn’t believe a damn thing if I told him the truth.
I take a hesitant step toward John as he talks, “We can get out of here. I’ll take you home or …to my place?” he asks as if it’s a question. Like I’d need protection from Jay.
He has no idea it’s him who I need to protect myself from. “John,” I say and his name comes out like a plea.
“I know you feel guilty,” John starts and I shake my head, turning away from him to look out of the window. I cross my arms, feeling trapped. Not by the solid walls, not by the men I love, but by my past. And hasn’t it always been like that?
“It’s not about that,” I tell him honestly. “I can’t go now. I see why Jay did this. Why he wants it this way.”
I turn back to face John, and his expression has fallen. He’s leaving. I’ve failed them both.
I reach out for his hand and he takes it before telling me, “I can’t do this anymore, Robin; I need you to come with me.”
His thumb rubs back and forth over my wrist with a soothing rhythm. I lick my lips and look deep into his eyes as I tell him, “I don’t want you to go.”
“You’re not okay. I can see that you feel like you have an obligation to him. You love him, I get that, but this isn’t right.”
An uneasy breath leaves me as I watch every little move John makes. My lips part, but my voice is silent. I swallow thickly and refuse to let go of his hand when he starts to pull away.
“Can we go outside?” I ask him. I just need to feel like I can breathe.
He simply nods and walks beside me, not letting go of my hand, but not attempting to get closer either.
“I felt like we were making progress,” I tell him and watch Toby as we get to the front door. It’s a large heavy door made of solid wood and stained a dark brown. Toby doesn’t have a problem in the least as John opens it. He almost closes the door right after him, but Toby slips out with us, staying close to my side and I’ve never wanted him more.
I reach down to pet him, feeling as though my breath is strangled. Sometimes progress isn’t enough. It’s not enough to keep John. It’s not enough to ease the burden on Jay’s conscience.
A chill sweeps across my skin and goosebumps spread along my arms as I shudder. The fresh air is what I needed though.
“There’s a porch,” I say with a bit of humor in my voice. I haven’t stepped foot outside. It reminds me of the world outside of here. Of the life I used to have. The one we could share together.
John leans against the banister and looks out into the empty field, not looking at me as he tells me, “Jay will be back soon, and I’m going to tell him I’m not coming back here. I’m done with this.”
The air gets colder and more tense as my eyes narrow and I watch him. “I thought we were doing better,” I tell him although it comes out a question.
He turns to look at me, but quickly looks back out into the field of nothing.
I have to tell him. I have to push. Toby whines as the thought hits me, and I reach down to pet him again. I’ve never been more scared in my adult life.
I slowly sit, although my legs are shaky and this close to Toby’s jaws reminds me of the vicious barking, the way he held me down that first night. I ignore it all. I have to give a piece to John. Something to keep him.
“John, I want to tell you a secret.”
“What’s that?” he asks and looks down at me, but I don’t look back up at him as I pet Toby and try to think of what to tell him. It’s been days and I don’t know what I can say that he’d believe.
“I knew you when you were a child.” My heart hurts as I confess. “This one time, you taught me how to whistle with a blade of grass.” The memory is so fresh. I can still feel the bit of sunshine. A reward I was terrified would come with a punishment. “Do you remember?” I ask him.
I take a peek up to look at him, and his expression tells me everything I already knew. He doesn’t remember a damn thing, and he won’t believe me. All the time we spent together, none of it exists for him.
I hold the tears back as Toby rests his head in my lap. His warmth is so at odds with the bitter coldness that surrounds me.
“Are you alright?” he asks me, and my heart sinks even further.
“You don’t remember me, but I’m not lying to you, John.” I steady my breath. “I’m not crazy,” I tell him and as the words slip out, I feel as though I am. I’m beyond sane at least.
“We never knew each other. The first time I saw you...” John starts, but doesn’t finish his sentence. I wait, holding my breath and hoping for something, but also fearing it.
Please remember me. Please, John. I need you.
“You ripped it right out of the ground,” I tell him, brushing beneath my nose with my forearm and not giving a damn about it. “And put it right to your lips.” A smile forces its way to my lips and a laugh bubbles up. “I thought you were eating it,” I tell him.