“Do you want to talk about something else?” she asks me, breaking up the throbbing headache and the overwhelming anxiety. Her hazel eyes shine with sincerity. “I just want to talk to you,” she tells me and leans against the wall.
She’s obviously lying, and it’s then that it hits me.
This session isn’t about her.
I’m not here to help her at all.
I’m not meant to interview her.
Jay set me up.
These sessions are all about me.
Chapter 21
Robin
I’m done sleeping alone. Or trying to, rather. Every second that passes is like a ticking bomb and I need to be close to him when it goes off. That, and I can’t fucking sleep. Not without him.
It’s been days.
Days of walking on eggshells and finding our footing. But we know who we are and what we want. And I’m tired of waiting.
The moment my heels hit the plush rug, Toby yawns at the door and stretches. He doesn’t stand as I cautiously walk to the door, but his eyes are on me. He’s slow to stand and make sure I don’t go to the front door. That and the basement exit are the only two doors that set him off. Any other time, he simply follows me like a guardian rather than a warden. “It’s funny that you used to scare me, you know?” I tell the dog as he looks up at me with the widest puppy eyes. I know there’s a beast inside of him that could rip me limb from limb. I’m well aware of that fact. But the animal refusing to leave my side is just a big puppy dog.
I bend down and pat his head as he walks with me although my heart is racing.
I don’t think Jay will deny me like he did the first night and if he does, I’m going to fight him on that. I don’t think it will come to that though. He doesn’t want to deny me, just as I don’t want to refuse him of anything.
We need progress, not perfection, I think as I head to the bedroom across from the basement door. I don’t try to be quiet at all. I want him to know I’m not sneaking around or trying anything.
The door’s wide open and filled with so much more light than my own room. It’s only moonlight, but the blinds are open and they send stripes of shadows across the bed. They lay on Jay’s bare thighs and chest and all the way up to his chin.
I stop in the doorway, the floors creaking as I take in a steadying breath.
“You should be sleeping,” Jay says without turning to look at me. Toby yawns again then arches his back before circling in the hallway behind me. The sound of his paws and the jingle of his tag are so loud. I swallow thickly, ripping my eyes away from him and taking a step into Jay’s bedroom.
“I thought you slept downstairs,” I tell him and he finally turns to look at me, although the rest of his body is still.
“It’s different, knowing you’re up here.” His eyes travel down my body slowly, assessing me. The way his eyes heat creates an instant tension in the room that makes me shift slightly, ignoring the way my core heats. Jay has a power over me that’s undeniable.
I walk toward the bed and sit down on the edge as I talk. “I think that’s a good thing. It’s change, and change is good.”
My hands rest in my lap as I wait for him to respond. His eyes narrow, and he’s quiet for a long time.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks me, although he already knows the answer.
My throat gets tight as I scoot further into his bed and my knee brushes his. “I want to sleep with you,” I push the words out and then look Jay in the eyes.
Slowly, ever so slowly, a smile tugs at his lips.
“Please?” I ask him and he hesitates but then shakes his head.
“You can’t be here when John comes,” he says although there’s no conviction in his voice.
I ignore him and simply pull the sheet and comforter down and crawl into bed.
“You’re getting bold, Robin,” Jay says with a bit of an admonishment, but then he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. “I love it,” he says with a soft smile.
I smile into his chest and then look up at him.
The faint light of the moon filtering in through the windows highlights the sharp lines of his jaw and his rough stubble. I nudge my nose against his chin and he lets out a huff of a laugh.
“You really should be sleeping,” he tells me and I nuzzle next to him. I wish I felt warm fuzzy feelings, but I don’t. I feel nothing but anxiety.
“I want to talk,” I tell him and it makes him laugh. A genuine laugh that’s rough and bubbles up from his chest. It’s the sweetest sound to hear, and it reminds me of the first time I heard it. Pure joy from a man so devoid of any happiness.
“Of course you do.” He runs a hand down his face and lets out an easy sigh before looking at me. “What do you want to talk about, little bird?”
“Anything,” I answer him. “Just tell me something.” I nestle closer to him, but keep my hands to myself. I love this. This easiness and openness. I want this forever.
“I feel better now with you,” he tells me and it makes me smile, but the happiness quickly vanishes. “Before I thought it would be better if I just left.” He looks into my eyes as he talks, absently trailing his fingers over the dip in my waist.
“I thought it would be easier if I was just gone.”
“That’s a horrible thought to have, Jay and you’re so wrong-”
“Shh,” Jay shushes me and calms me down by kissing my forehead. “I know that. I could never leave you anyway. Even if you had no idea I was there.”
His admission only makes me feel that much worse. “I wish I’d been there for you,” I whisper against his chest. I desperately want to rest my hand against his chest, but instead I move my fingers to the front of his pajama bottoms and slip them just over the edge so I’m comfortable.
“I can’t tell you how many nights I wanted to get in bed with you,” Jay says. “I know it’s wrong. Stalking or whatever, but I wanted it. I wanted to go after you.”
“I wish you had. I wish you hadn’t waited.”
“It’s not like I could have shown up and asked you out for coffee.” Jay huffs a chuckle, and it makes my body shake. His large arm wraps around me. “I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t broken for you.” The smile vanishes as he rubs his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh.
“We’re broken,” I correct him. I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking about how to word the next question. The one thing that’s really kept us apart.
“Have you tried to tell John at all?” I ask him and stay perfectly still, staring at the bedroom wall.
“He hates me,” Jay says as if it’s a fact.
“He doesn’t.”
“There’s hate behind the pity. It’s why he doesn’t want to know,” he says and it makes my heart clench.
“Can we talk about something else, little bird?” Jay asks and then kisses my forehead. “Or sleep?”
“He’s the only thing holding us back,” I tell him. I need more. I know I can’t push, but I want Jay in my life fully and completely and I need more than this.
“Us?” he asks.