That’s what we did before, and I pretended that’s what was happening that night as I had lain there.
God.
Fuck.
Shit.
My tears had tripled into a steady flow, and though I hadn’t moved, I knew people would eventually notice.
Letting my music blast, I got up and went inside.
The world was better this way. Having tunes in my ears, I could handle the looks, the questions, the vibes people sent my way. The music protected me. I was in my own world. I didn’t have to feel their shit, whatever it was. It was me and the music—and somehow Willow.
I felt her everywhere.
I’d planned to go upstairs to Ryan’s room, but I glanced back.
He and his friends were in the pool playing with the others. That same girl who’d sneered at me was hanging on Ryan, attempting to dislodge the ball from his hand. Erin’s group watched from the lounge chairs I’d vacated. Their heads were bent together as they glared at the other girls. Still others were tanning and or laughing on the sidelines.
They were all normal.
I was not.
And I felt her with me.
Suddenly, like she had pulled me there, a blast of anger rose in me.
I wasn’t going to take on her life. That wasn’t my role.
“Fuck you, Willow,” I whispered under my breath as I turned my back on them. I hurried upstairs.
I wanted to grab anything I’d left up there and leave because that was me.
“Hey.”
I turned to find Ryan standing in his doorway, his hair wet and water dripping down his chest. He frowned. “You’re leaving?”
Another round of fuck, shit, damn ran through my head. Let’s say it again, folks.
I scowled, flicking away a tear. “Yeah.” I wanted to say more, but my throat wasn’t working.
“Why?”
Let’s go for broke. All the religious swear words flared in my mind before I could speak. “It’s, uh . . .” I gestured behind me, in the direction of the pool. “I shouldn’t be here.”
He repeated, “Why?” His frown turned to a scowl.
“Why do you think?”
He blinked, and his face changed. A sheepish look came over him, and his shoulders hunched forward. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Hanging with you is different from taking on the full social scene down there.” Another pointless hand gesture. “I thought I was fine, and I like your close friends, but this is too much.” I looked out the window. “I think I’m just going to go home.”
“Let’s go.”
“What?”
His hand was in his hair as if he’d spoken before thinking. He blinked a couple of times and nodded. “Yeah.” His shoulders lifted. “I’ll go with you. Your suitcase is in my truck anyway.”
“Ryan—”
“Look, you don’t really say much, and I’ve got a feeling I’m the only one you are talking to, but I know things at your house are sad. And that’s reasonable, but when you feel like shutting the world out, you don’t have to do that to me. I’m not everyone else.”
My heart had been ripped out of my chest, and he was putting it back together.
I laughed but felt my chest growing tight. “Willow would’ve been all over you.”
I hadn’t meant to say that.
His eyes grew keen. “Yeah?”
God. What was I saying? I wasn’t Miss Talky-Shary, but this guy? I shook my head. “Why do you affect me so much?”
“I affect you in a good way, right?”
I bobbed my head. He already knew he did.
“I’ll sneak in.”
I lifted my head. “What?”
“So you can sleep.” He nodded to himself again. “I know where you live, and your room’s on the west side? I’ll sneak in, every night if you want me to.”
“Second floor.”
“I can climb up. You have that big tree by your window.”
“You won’t get in trouble?” He could sneak in and stay until I fell asleep. “If you get caught?”
He shrugged that off, a cocky smirk tugging at his lips. He tucked a hand in his swimming shorts’ pocket. “We can improvise, but my mom never checks my room after midnight. I’ll come over after, climb in, sleep. I can set an alarm and slip out before anyone knows. As long as I’m back in my room by seven, I’m good.”
A few hours would be nice.
“Okay.” I was still unsure, but I needed sleep. If I became a zombie, the world was in trouble.
There was a stampede up the stairs.
“Dude!” Tom, Nick, and Pete rushed in, breathless. “Man! We—oh.”
They saw me, and it was like they’d hit an invisible wall.
Tom gave me a nod. “Hey, Mackenzie. How’s it going?”
Pete rubbed his forehead.
Nick rolled his eyes to the ceiling.
Tom frowned, glancing at them. “What?”
Ryan took two steps toward him and punched him in the shoulder. “You’re being weird. Don’t be weird.”
“Ouch!” Tom rubbed where he’d gotten hit. “What was that for?”
“We were talking.” Ryan wasn’t messing around. He glared at Tom. “What do you want?”
Nick and Pete began snickering.
Tom shot them a look, his hand falling away from his shoulder. “We got a text. Mullaly is having a party, and the girls are going over there.” His eyes lit up again, and he turned toward me. “You want to go, Mackenzie?”
But before I could answer, he was looking back at Ryan. “We were rushing up here because Nick’s brother said he’d get us booze, but we gotta go now. He’s heading to Lakeville for a college party—”
“Let’s go to the college party.” I winced. The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. What the hell was going on with me?
This was not me. I didn’t care about college parties. If I’d been to one before, it was because someone forced me or tricked me into going. I would’ve needed to be promised Taco Bell on the way home, and maybe I would’ve tried to go in my pajamas. A good fluffy robe was hella sexy.
Ryan’s eyes snapped to mine.
Tom’s eyes went round. “What?”
Ryan studied me a moment, as if he were looking for something I wasn’t sure was there. I don’t know whether he found it or not, but he turned to Nick. “Would that be okay with Ben, if we went with them?”
“Um . . .” Nick’s lip twisted.
“Let me ask him,” I suggested. Okay, then. I was throwing all caution to the wind.
The guys glanced at each other, and another round of: what the fuck am I doing? circulated my head.
I didn’t even think Willow would’ve done this, or maybe she would have. Maybe she wouldn’t have been happy with tackling the seniors. She might’ve moved on to college guys. I knew she’d started talking to one before we moved. Duke didn’t know it, but he’d been about to be dumped. Sorry, Duke.
I wanted . . . something different.
Apparently, a college party was it for me.
“Nah. Um . . .” Nick frowned. “I’ll text him quick.” He glanced at Ryan before adding more quietly, “I can tell him you’re coming.”