I couldn’t speak. Had I let the lack of job offer fuel my resentment? Or had those feelings been there all along? “Is that why you told Max to drop me from the team?”
He took a deep breath. “Partly. But also because I couldn’t engage a company for a large amount of money when my daughter was involved in the account.” He held up his hand, indicating he hadn’t finished. “I know I employ my sons, but I don’t manage them, and their salaries are considerably less than what I would have spent with King & Associates.” He swept his hand through his hair. “I should have mentioned something at lunch, or called you afterward. It was just that things were civil between us and I didn’t want to ruin that.”
He laughed and put his head in his hands. “It’s like I lose all sense of judgment when it comes to you. I get things wrong however hard I try.”
Everything he said made sense, but instead of feeling relieved or happy, I felt cheated. As if someone had stolen my justification for hating him. He’d fucked up, gotten it wrong. But the way he explained it, his actions no longer sounded malicious. He was either the best liar I’d ever come across, or he was just a flawed human being. Maybe there was a bit of both there. It was as if I’d been suffering a chronic pain for years and, now it had just disappeared, I’d forgotten who I was without it. My hatred had become such a part of me that without it, I didn’t quite know what to do. Still, Grace was right; I felt lighter from talking to him.
“I never wanted to hurt you, but I just didn’t know how to avoid it,” he said.
I squinted, trying to rid my eyes of the forming tears. He had hurt me. Over and over. But I didn’t think he was lying when he said it hadn’t been intentional. I nodded. “I believe you.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can’t tell you—” He paused and just nodded. “I’d like a chance to do better, if that’s something you’d be interested in? Maybe we could spend some time together, have dinner or something.”
He was asking for a chance to make amends. Even now when I’d not spoken to him for years. He didn’t blame me, didn’t express any resentment—he was just sad and regretful and it neutralized my anger toward him.
I took a deep breath and stood. “I need a chance to digest this.”
He stood, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and walked around his desk toward me, his gaze trailing the floor. “I understand.” He thought I was giving him the brush-off, when really I was fighting against years of rejecting him before he could reject me.
“Maybe I can stay for a drink and a sandwich next time.” My words pushed out of my dry throat but I was determined to speak them. I couldn’t say it but I was sorry. I’d held on to the feelings I’d had as a child and given them adult importance and justification. And although those feelings hadn’t just disappeared, I saw them for what they were—pointless and unhelpful. He’d been right when he said I’d seen him as a monster. I was old enough now to know that fear of monsters was as much about imagination as reality.
He lifted his head. “I would love that. You just decide when.”
I turned and we headed out of his office.
“Maybe next weekend,” I said.
“I would like that very much,” he said, his voice cracking at the end.
As we got to the top of the stairs, I turned to him and smiled. “Save your knee—I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Oh, yes and one final thing,” I said as I gave Grace a rundown on the conversation with my father. Good friend that she was, she’d handed me a glass of wine within ninety seconds of me walking through the door. “He said Max canceled his appointment.”
Had Max done that for me? I tried to think of other possible motivations. I knew how much he wanted JD Stanley as a client.
“Wow.” Grace’s eyebrows disappeared into her bangs. “So now you can make up with Max.”
I almost choked on my wine. “What are you talking about? Max is history,” I said when I recovered. “I need to move on.” The truth was, Max was never far from my mind. I wondered constantly about who he was with, what he was working on. I felt like an open wound, constantly being doused in vinegar. I did my best to not let it show. We hadn’t known each other that long, and I felt stupid for taking it so hard.
Grace sighed. “I’ve known you a long time, Harper. You can’t fool me.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“If Max was history, you wouldn’t have moved out of your apartment.”
“I’m avoiding him because it’s over.” Part of the reason I hadn’t turned on my phone was because I didn’t want to find Max hadn’t called or texted.
“No, you’re avoiding him because you don’t want it to be. First, you quit your job because he didn’t choose you over a business deal,” she said, holding up a finger. “Then you were practically catatonic for the first few days after you split and although you’re moving around now, your neutral gear is still set to mope.” She held up a second finger. “You won’t turn your phone on because you’re avoiding his messages.” She held up a third finger. “My point is, he’s the more handsome version of the best-looking man on the planet, and you are in love with him.”
“In love with him?” I snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous.” This wasn’t what love felt like. This was hurt, betrayal, anger. Wasn’t it?
“And the fact that he pulled out of the JD Stanley pitch, well that’s—”
“That’s what? He should have done that to start with.”
“Are you crazy? Max was right; the client gets to choose their team. If you two were just banging, he would have told you to suck it up. He clearly cares about you.”
Had I expected too much from him? I’d felt so strongly for him; I’d just wanted him to feel the same.
“You were waiting for him to fail, to live down to who you thought your father was,” Grace said.
I’d started off thinking Max King was an asshole but discovered someone very different was just below the surface, someone caring and generous and special. My heart squeezed as if it were stretching after a nap.
I missed him.
“He’s not my father.” But had I expected him to fail? Even looked for it?
“So turn on your phone. Actually, no, I’ll do it.” Grace scrambled to the kitchen. I’d left my phone on top of the refrigerator. I knew if I had it in my room at night, I’d be tempted to switch it on.
Grace wouldn’t dare turn it on without my say so, would she?
Of course she would, and I didn’t have the energy to argue. I was sick of missing him. I longed for Max’s arms around me, his wise words telling me everything was going to be okay, for the way he didn’t have to do anything but hold me to make me feel better. My stomach churned.
She tossed my beeping phone at me. “I guarantee you’ll have a hundred messages and voicemails from him. Not many men can break through that invisible force field you have around your heart, my beautiful friend. Don’t take it for granted. Make it right before it’s too late.”