“His friend died.”
“I know, but . . .” She stopped talking, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip.
She didn’t get it. It didn’t make sense to her how grief could be overwhelming. It made more sense to blame Kirk’s influence than Ryan losing a friend.
Fuck. What did she think my problem was?
“It must be nice,” I murmured, resting my head back against the chair.
Her eyes flickered. “What?”
“Not to have lost anyone.”
Her head lowered. “My hamster died when I was twelve.”
Pets could be family members too, but I didn’t assume hers was. She didn’t sound too broken up over it.
Real and genuine jealousy slammed through me. It hit my chest, my heart, my stomach, every single cell in my body—all the way from my toes to my hair. I wanted her life. I wanted it so badly I was almost crying.
I would’ve given up Ryan to have what she had.
“Everyone knows the four of you cut today.”
I was still envisioning life without that pain, so it took a second for those words to register.
It was my turn to frown. “So?”
“So.” She reached up to tighten her ponytail. “Everyone knows you guys skipped.”
I wasn’t following her. “Is that a problem? Or what? I’m not getting what you’re saying.”
“No.” She went back to chewing her bottom lip before shrugging. “Stephanie Witts knows. All the girls, and guys. They wanted me to call them when I found out where everyone was.”
Oh. Shit.
“Tell me you didn’t call. Right?” I leaned forward, pulling my legs in and tucking the towels under my arms. “You didn’t call those girls.”
She didn’t answer, and I could see she was chewing the inside of her cheek.
Fuck! She did. I groaned, letting my head fall forward to smack my palm. “How long until they all descend?”
She jerked up a shoulder, sitting silent.
“Hey!” I waved my hand in the air. She was staring at the guys and barely answering me. “When did you call them?”
“Oh.” She glanced at her phone. “Like ten minutes ago.”
More voices came from around the side of the house. Tom rounded the corner of the house first and the rest of the guys followed. I saw Peach and Erin with them. There were more shadows behind her, and as Tom reached over a fence and opened the door, they filtered in. Erin’s friends had come with her.
The line didn’t end.
I recognized some guys from my grade coming in.
Cora muttered almost to herself, “Those are the basketball players. The football team isn’t here. They had practice.” She watched as Nick pounded a few of the guys on the arm. “Nick’s going to get in trouble for missing today.”
More people came in, flooding the entire backyard.
I stopped watching, but I heard what she said.
His coach would get upset, but not his parents.
Erin called Cora’s name, and I jumped up from the lounge chair.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
I didn’t answer. As Erin headed over, I zipped back into the pool shed and locked the door behind me.
I couldn’t do this. Not all these people.
My insides felt pulled apart and put together wrong. Nothing felt right anymore. I couldn’t sit on a lounge chair with Cora, hearing whatever Erin had to say—whether she was going to take digs at me or kiss my ass. She’d resorted to the latter over the last few weeks, and I didn’t get it. Whether she wanted to be friends or not, it wasn’t happening.
My only real friend was Ryan.
And that’s the problem.
God, not now! I snapped at my ghost.
Willow rolled her eyes. You haven’t made it right with Zoe and Gianna at home, and you aren’t making friends here. I get that Cora’s a little weird, but Mac, you’re fast becoming weirder. You’re almost a leech on Ryan.
Shut up. I paused a beat. And Zoe and Gianna, that’s on them. They wanted me gone, not the other way around.
She snorted. So yell at them. Curse them out. Get mad. Don’t just disappear. I mean, I know. She changed the subject. I get it, Mac. A part of you wants to go grab your boy and pull him away from his friends, but you can’t. Let the guy have a fun day for once. Don’t make yourself his problem. If you’re together or not, it isn’t going to last if you keep going on like this.
I said shut up.
This is tough love. I get that you’re falling apart because of me, but don’t mess up the one thing you’ve gotten right. Give him some space.
She was right, but I didn’t want to be lectured anymore. Surging to my feet, I changed back into my clothes and grabbed my bag. I had no clue where Kirk’s house was, but I figured I was safe. Everyone was talking or laughing when I slipped out of the pool shed. Some were in the pool, but I didn’t see Ryan anywhere. Guessing he was inside, I moved around the backyard and left through the same gate everyone else had come in through.
I’m not running away, I told myself firmly. But I was lying.
I was totally running away.
Not wanting to be a clinger, as Willow claimed I was becoming, I sent Ryan a text.
Me: I’m heading home. I forgot I was supposed to go see Robbie with my folks. I’ll give you a call when I get back.
My phone vibrated almost right away.
Ryan: Are you sure? How are you getting home?
I was walking, but I pulled up the car service app. After ordering one to pick me up, I relayed that to Ryan.
It took a moment before my phone buzzed back.
Ryan: Okay. Call me later then.
I thumbed back, right as the car pulled up next to me.
Me: Totally. Have fun!
Then I climbed in, and the car took me away.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I expected the house to be empty when I got home.
It wasn’t.
I walked inside, dropped my bag onto the counter, and looked up to see my mom at the kitchen table, her laptop in front of her. A coffee mug sat to her right and there was a bowl of fruit to her left. She wore her headphones, and she bit her lip before she looked up.
Seeing me, her eyes widened, and we stared at each other.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
She took off her headphones. “What are you doing here?”
I frowned. “It’s after school.”
“Yeah, but you never come home anymore.”
I pointed to her computer. “You’re working?”
She turned to look down at her laptop as if she’d forgotten it was there. “Oh. Oh yes. I decided to take a day at home.” She stood, her chair sliding back, and she paused there. It was as if she wasn’t sure why she’d stood. “Do you want something to eat? An after-school snack?”
I didn’t want to, but I felt myself grinning. It was like I was in third grade again. “What? You’re going to cut up apples for me?”
“No. I would . . .” She stopped and continued to frown at me.
I heard her in the mornings, moving around, getting ready for work. My parents used to check in every night, and I stayed in my room until that was done, but they’d stopped last week. I stared at my mother, trying to remember the last time I’d seen her, the last time I had really talked to her.