They were testing me.
I kept my eyes narrowed and took a step toward them. “You’ll have to excuse me,” I called. “I’ve been preoccupied since coming to Portside. I have no clue who the ‘leader’ is here.”
The girls were shocked, their mouths hanging open, except for one.
She pushed forward and pushed her hair over her shoulder. “I guess that’s me.”
“You have a problem with me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because of Kirk.”
I was dumbfounded. “What?”
She exchanged looks with her friends before turning back to me. “He was talking to us.”
“His arm was around her.” I gestured to Erin.
She huffed and then shrugged. “But I was the one he was talking to.”
“You’re pissed at me because I called him over.”
No. As she was talking to me, she kept looking at Ryan. This fight wasn’t about Kirk. This fight was about Ryan. Cora’s warning might’ve been more realistic than I realized.
“You are what’s wrong,” I said.
“Say again?” I saw the storm building in her eyes.
“You’re what’s wrong. You’re saying this is about Kirk, but I think you’re full of bullshit. You’re going at me, and you’re sending Ryan looks this whole time. This is about him, and why? Your ego is bruised because he isn’t with you? Is that the problem?”
She shook her head. “You are unreal. You have no clue who—”
I stepped right into her face. There was an inch between us, and she stopped talking. I waited, watching as she struggled against moving back, but she didn’t. She knew how this game went.
I was in her space. I could feel Willow riling up next to me. She used to live for this stuff, and a bleak part of me thought to her, You’ve been silent for almost two months, and now you’re back?
I’m here because you need me here.
“You think you’re going to win?” snapped this girl, smirking. She’d been at the pool party at Ryan’s house, and later at Kirk’s after we skipped. “I have friends. We can make your life miserable—”
“Do it.” I included her friends, sweeping a look over all of them. “Cyberbully me. Text me whore, skank, whatever other fucking stupid words you can find that are beneath you. Do it. Send it to me. Call my house. Whisper to my mom about how she should wish her second twin would kill herself too.”
I felt their surprise at those words. But I’d said it before. I knew it was out. They knew about Willow.
“Send me the emails about how I should die. Slice my tires. Slice my mom’s tires. Write loser on my locker. Do all of it. I will fucking eat everything up. I will record your calls. I will screenshot your tweets. I will save every fucking email and forward it to our principal. I will turn every goddamn thing you do to me back on you threefold. I will make it so you bury yourselves until you’re the ones getting called to the principal’s office, where you’ll hope the best thing that happens is being expelled. Do it.”
I hated them in that second.
I hated what they stood for.
I hated what they did.
But it wasn’t really them I hated, not even a tiny bit.
Erin wouldn’t step up to the plate. Cora backed down right away. Even Peach had expressed her sympathy, but these girls—they were worth the fight.
I wanted this fight. I could breathe it in. It could be my purpose for living. But none of them replied, and I glimpsed Ryan in the back corner. I locked eyes with him, and just like that, the rage drained from me.
It left me weak, and shame bloomed in my chest.
I felt tears coming to my eyes, and I turned away.
It wasn’t them I wanted to fight.
Chapter Thirty-Five
“Mom?”
My phone began ringing not long after my standoff with whatever-her-name-was, so I didn’t have much time to dwell on how embarrassed I should be. Grabbing it, I moved out to the hallway and huddled against a locker with my finger in my ear so I could hear her.
“Yeah! Hey, honey. How was your day at school?” She didn’t wait for my answer. “Listen, something’s come up. Nothing bad, but your father and I are staying in the city tonight. We’ll go to work like normal tomorrow, and then pick Robbie up for the weekend. We’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”
Oh.
I felt someone standing behind me, and I knew it was Ryan before I looked. I was attuned to his presence.
I turned to face him, still leaning against the locker, and put my other finger in my ear. “You aren’t coming home at all tonight?”
His eyes lit up.
I rolled mine, knowing what he had on his mind.
“Yes. I mean, no, and Mackenzie, please be good. Please, please, please, no Ryan in your bed tonight.”
Wait—what was she saying? I leaned forward. “But he can stay over?”
I heard a long sigh from her end. “I really wish you’d make some female friends, but yes. Ryan can stay over as long as he doesn’t sleep with you and there’s no sex. Got it?”
I gave him a thumbs-up. “Yes. We got it. No sex, and he won’t sleep in my bed.”
Ryan was grinning when I hung up. “We’re sleeping in the basement then?”
“Hell yeah.”
He tugged me in for a kiss.
I let myself get lost for a few seconds before pulling away. My anger was still raw from the gym confrontation, but his touch helped calm the edges. I didn’t feel so much like a combustible balloon—one prick and I’d explode.
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
For making me feel sane again. “For not looking at me like I have two heads.” I started to pull away, not wanting to see his response, but he tugged me back.
A fierce look filled his eyes. “Hey,” he said softly. “I get it. Okay? You’ve only had words with a few girls. Kirk and I trolled for actual fights some weekends. It was stupid, and bad—really bad.”
A slice of fear went through me at the thought of Ryan in a fight. “Were you hurt?”
His grin turned lopsided. “That was kinda the point.”
“Did your parents know?”
He nodded. “I couldn’t hide the evidence, but I stopped. Peach looked traumatized every time she saw me afterward. I couldn’t do it after a while.”
I was shaken by the thought, but I remembered how it had felt to square off against the girls in the gym. Flames started flickering, warming me. It was almost addictive, and so simple. Hurt or be hurt. Those were the options, and both were an escape from what I didn’t want to feel.
I shuddered, feeling it starting to burn again. “Let’s go.” Before I go in search of another fight.
I didn’t feel Willow beside me, but I heard her. And you always thought I was stupid for fighting. You get the appeal now? You can forget yourself . . .
They were her parting words as I walked away.
We went through a drive-thru for a couple of burgers. Ryan pulled up to the window and started fishing for his wallet to pay, but an older guy replaced the food attendant at the window. He shook his head, holding out the bag of food. “Not for you. Your food is always free during basketball season.”