I clasped my eyes tight, pressing my forehead to the back of my knees.
Even then, I wanted her gone. I wanted all of this out of my head, but I also didn’t. I felt less crazy than a few days ago, but I was still halfway crazy. Or one-third crazy. Once that healed, would she really be gone then?
“Planning world domination?”
I started to laugh, lifting my head. My laughter died when I saw Erin standing over me. “You.”
She laughed, shaking her head before holding her hands up. “Look. I’ve given up. I’m laying my flag down, and I think I’ve done that a few times. You don’t have to keep with the hostility.”
I sighed. I was already so tired of this conversation. “What do you want, Erin?” Because there was an agenda. She was just one of those people.
“Okay. Fair enough.” Her hands went back to her side and then she crossed them over her chest. “Look, I never went after your sister, and we both know I could’ve. You mentioned her twice, and Peach explained.” Her head inclined. “She explained better how you and Ryan got to be so close. I get it. I honestly do. He understands your pain, like you understand his.” Her top lip curled in a small sneer. She kept going, sounding bitter. “Grief is a great foundation for a relationship, but whatever. I’m not the one fuckin—”
“Get to the point.”
If she didn’t, I was getting to my point where I’d get to my feet and we’d have a confrontation of a different sort. Maybe. Most likely. Probably not. I’d throw insults at her and leave once I thought I’d given her my best zinger.
Since my physical visit from Willow, the fight in me had dwindled. It might take a bit more to tap into it, but I knew it was there. A good well of craziness.
“—tonight at the party, okay?”
I had tuned her out.
Oh yes, I was such an ace fighter. I got so bored, I only thought I might want to fight her.
“What’d you say?”
“Were you listening at all?”
“No.”
“Nice. I’m trying to do you a solid, and you aren’t even listening.”
A second sigh from me, and I leaned my head back against the locker. “I’ll listen now. What were you saying before?”
She looked at the floor. “That friend of Ryan’s who died?”
“Yeah?” My gut twisted in a knot. I didn’t think I was going to like what I was about to hear . . .
She looked up, flicking away a solitary tear. “He was my boyfriend.”
“Wait.” So that meant—
She was already there. “That’s why Ryan and I dated briefly. It wasn’t long, and to be honest, it was more just messing around because we both missed him so much. I’d been with Derek for two years when it happened.”
It made sense, why Erin was around so much.
“I couldn’t figure out why they let you hang out with them,” I mused to myself. “I thought it was only because of Peach, but you guys were at the house when Kirk came back.”
“Yeah. Derek’s cousin. All of us were friends. Then Derek died, and I messed around with Ryan afterward, like a few months afterward.” She grimaced, her whole body shuddering. “Want some more honesty? No. I’m not even asking.” She plunged ahead. “I don’t regret sleeping with Ryan. I just regret the timing of it.”
She understood. Somewhat.
“I’m not with Ryan because of my grief.”
Yes, I had used him in the beginning, which was something Ryan knew about. Something he understood since he’d used Erin in the same way.
That was why he understood.
“Thanks for telling me.” I meant it.
She nodded. “That’s the reason I never went after you about your sister, but that’s why I’m here. You need to watch Stephanie. She isn’t going to understand.”
“Yeah.” I meant everything I said to her and her friends, but that was before my coming-to-Willow moment. “I heard she’s going to make a pass at him tonight.”
“She is, and she can be ruthless sometimes. Just watch your back with her. Okay?”
I studied her a moment. Trust her or not?
Erin was the popular girl in her class. Even though she was a grade younger, I knew she didn’t need to hang out with Stephanie and her friends. There’d been a divide between them earlier in the year. I hadn’t been noticing much at that time, but I had noticed that at Peach’s pool party.
“Why are you hanging out with her?”
A fleeting smile was my answer. She started to leave but said over her shoulder, “Because sometimes it’s smart to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” She winked at me. “It’s a classic for a reason.”
She was leaving as Ryan headed toward me, his gym bag hanging from one shoulder. He glanced at her as she passed him.
“What was that about?” he asked as he drew close to me.
I beamed, feeling the same way I always did.
He pushed back the darkness, sometimes literally.
“Stephanie Witts is going to make a pass at you tonight, and I’m supposed to watch my back,” I said, almost upbeat about it. I winked at him. “I heard she’s ruthless.”
He matched my grin, but didn’t respond as he let his bag drop to the ground and then slid down to the floor with me. “You know you have nothing to worry about, right?”
I nodded. “I know.” But there were knots in my stomach. I couldn’t deny them. “Just . . .” I leaned my head back and turned toward him so we were inches apart. “I don’t trust them.”
“Yeah. I get that.” He dipped down, his lips touching mine and resting there a moment before he whispered, “But I don’t want Stephanie Witts. I don’t want anyone else.” His eyes were hard on me.
My body warmed. A tingle shot through me.
I grinned, my lips curving against his. “You’re all I want too.”
He pulled back, an uncharacteristic seriousness on his face. No smile. No grin. No smirk. No amusement in his gaze. He was suddenly so serious. “I just want you. I just love you.”
My tongue felt heavy.
I should say it back, but I was still hearing Willow.
Pain sliced through me, and I turned away—I started to turn away.
He caught me, his hand touching my chin, and he moved me back to look at him. His thumb caressed my jawline, and his eyes dipped to my mouth. “I couldn’t have said this a year ago. I couldn’t have said this six months ago, but I can now. It took me that long, Mac. Derek’s death fucked me up, so when I say I get it—I get it. But I want to say it.”
I needed it.
It was like air to me.
I turned my body, my head holding still, and slowly, I crawled until I was straddling him in the darkened hallway. It was empty, but people were probably lingering just around the corner or by the gym. Two steps—that would be all it would take for someone to round the corner and find us there.
I so wasn’t caring at that moment.
I settled down on top of him, feeling him beneath me, and his hands moved to my hips.
I leaned forward, my lips nipping his, and I whispered, “I want to show you what I can’t say, not yet.”