"Can we?"
He laughs. "Fair enough." He turns me so we're face-to-face. "You don't have to say shit. I meant it, Iris. The past is the past. But I want to be someone you can lean on. If you want to talk—"
"I do. I just… I haven't really talked about this with anyone."
His eyes stay soft. Understanding.
"Lily was always the pretty, athletic one. She still is. She's in a volleyball league. She's good. I was more—"
"The Star Wars geek?"
"Yeah. I looked up to her. I thought she was the coolest person in the world. She was smart too, but she didn't apply herself. If she wasn't into a subject, she'd half ass it, whereas I'd study even harder, bring home straight As."
"You seem like the type."
"I always got the grades. I did well in college. But then I graduated and I hit a wall. I was lucky. I got a job pretty fast. I was excited about the future. Then… then I got my GRE scores back. They were terrible. I'd bombed. It was the first time I really failed at something."
"That must have sucked."
"Yeah. But I wasn't ready to face the possibility of failure. I couldn't stand how badly I wanted to go to grad school. It hurt. So I told myself I didn't want it. I told myself I didn't need the GRE. I tried to convince myself that my boring administrative job was what I wanted."
"Did it work?"
"Not really. I was miserable. I didn't use my brain at work. I felt so dull and listless. For a while, I tried to fill the gaps with other stuff. Work out plans. Reading three books a week. Drinking too much. Perfecting my winged eyeliner."
"That's why I can't stop staring into your eyes?"
"Of course." I press my palm against his chest. His shirt is stiff, but I can feel the heat of him underneath it. "I was sure I was stuck. That nothing would ever change."
He brushes my hair behind my ear.
"And I felt bad for feeling bad. I had a job even though I had a psych degree. I made enough to afford my own apartment. To get takeout for dinner and buy a membership at the nice gym. I was lucky."
"Most people need more than an apartment to be happy."
"Yeah. I know. I knew. I knew how complicated people were, how much a fulfilling job affects your satisfaction with your life."
"Does school fulfill you?"
"Yeah. I love it. I think, deep down, I knew I wouldn't be happy unless I was pursuing grad school. But I was too scared to face it. It was easier to close myself off to that possibility. But it made me desperate for any sort of approval or excitement. That was when I started seeing Ross. He was a good guy in certain ways. But not others."
"He hurt you?"
"No." Not the way he means. "He always convinced me to do stupid things." Like swallow a handful of prescription pain killers to numb my feelings. "Drink too much. Then get in a car with him even though he'd had a few. Go to a stranger's place. Skip a condom. I was stupid. But I… I am clean, if you were wondering. I got tested a few months ago. We hadn't for a while."
He nods. "I am too."
"Yeah. We, um, I'm on the shot. So, we could not use a condom sometime."
"Fuck, Iris, I'm trying to concentrate here."
"Oh. You want to?"
His nod is heavy.
"I, uh… I should get back to the topic."
"Right away."
God, he looks cute all needy and horny. And sex makes sense. Sex doesn't poke or prod at my secrets. Sex doesn't beg me to spill my guts.
We should go back to my place. Fuck like rabbits. Use our mouths for something much better than conversation.
But he's still staring into my eyes with all the trust in the world.
Like I'm his salvation.
Is it possible he meant it?
That the past really is the past?
That he won't leave when he knows the truth?
Please, please, please let it be possible.
Walker runs his fingertips along my chin.
I force myself to keep talking. "But Ross, he didn't make me happy. So I turned to Lily." Then to drugs. And when that didn't fulfill me, I'd blame her too. "I'd get mad at her. Blame her for my dissatisfaction. I got her fired once."
"Fuck, really?"
"Yeah. I kept calling and showing up at her office. She wouldn't pay attention to me. And I needed… I guess I needed to face reality. But I thought that if only she'd talk to me, she could fix it. She used to fix everything. When we were kids."
"I get that. And the dissatisfaction."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Last few years of high school until I started doing ink. I felt like my life would never go anywhere. Like I was doomed to turn into my parents. I fucked around a lot. It was a good distraction, but it never really satisfied me."
"And now?"
"I love what I do. But I want more out of life too."
"Your friends?"
He nods.
"Your sister clean?"
"Yeah. That's the main thing now. Everything else—surfing, working out, reading—feels like a distraction. I love that shit. But it's not what I really want."
"And what do you really want?"
"To help the people I love." He looks up at me. "Find the people I love." He brushes my hair behind my ear. "What do you want?"
"I'm still not sure. Not beyond school."
"You'll get there."
I nod.
Right now, I believe him.
Right now, I believe it's possible there will be an us.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Iris
The past is the past.
I let myself believe it.
I let myself fall harder.
All week, I text Walker about nothing. I go to his place for dinner and a movie and a fuck. I spend the night in his arms. I chain drink coffee. I pour myself into studying and perfecting my research.
It gnaws at my gut.
What if the past isn't the past?
How can he really promise that when he doesn't know what it is?
With the way he looks at his sister, is there really any chance he'll be okay loving a former addict?
I push it aside.
I hold onto his words like they're my lifeline.
They are.
They make me feel strong, safe, confident.
They convince me I can do this.
It's late on a weekday when I pick up the phone and stare at Lily's number.
I press Call.
I can do this.
I have to do this.
Even if it means giving up the possibility for a hard no.
Even if it means a whole lot of hurt.
Ring, ring, ring.
My fingers dig into the table. I'm alone in my apartment, studying. Well, I'm supposed to be studying.
Ring, ring—
Voicemail.
Hello, you've reached Lily Avery. Please leave a message and I'll call you back.
She sounds happy. Normal. Healthy.
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. "Hey Lily. It's Iris. Can we talk? I want to apologize. I… I want us to be okay."
I end the call.