"You could have got in trouble."
"Yeah, but I didn't care about that." I suck a breath between my teeth. "It was when someone came in looking for her."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"It was her daughter."
Ryan's attention turns to me.
"You're driving."
"You're talking."
"I want to live to see tomorrow."
He looks at the road. "I want to hear this."
A snappy comeback dissolves on my tongue. I want him to hear it too. I want him to see my scars. "She was young. Eleven. Maybe twelve. But that wasn't the worst part. It was how weary she was. Like she did this every night."
"Did she?"
"Probably. I did. That was why I made sure to work nights. So my mom couldn't count on me to clean her up and put her to bed."
"Leigh—"
"I saw this look in her eyes. An acceptance. Like she knew her mom would never change. Like she knew she'd be doing this forever. And I thought: why is a twelve-year-old smarter than I am?"
"Your mom—"
"Yeah. I went home. Told my mom I was moving out unless she quit drinking."
"And—"
"She stared at me, all glassy-eyed, laughed it off."
"She called your bluff."
"Yeah."
"You moved out the next day?"
"Yeah." My laugh is sad. "How'd you know?"
"I know you."
He does. He knows me better than anyone. Just not as well as I want him to. "I moved out. Quit my job. Begged my way to… well, I guess you know the rest."
"Your mom is that bad?"
"She was. Now… I don't know. We don't talk anymore." I press my lips together. "I know, it's fucked, leaving her to drink herself to death—"
"She's the parent. She should be responsible."
"But…"
"That's it."
Maybe.
"You did the right thing."
"I spent years shilling booze."
"You made ends meet."
I shake my head. "I didn't need to work. She has a good job. She's high functioning at work. Waits until she's home to really get wasted. Waits until I can clean up her mess."
"Fuck. Leigh. I'm sorry."
"Thanks." My shoulders relax. He isn't running away. He isn't staring with judgment. He isn't kicking me out of his car.
His voice is soft. Sweet. The kind of voice you use to whisper I love you. "I thought shit was fucked with my parents. But it's nothing. The usual are you sure you don't want to go to business school thing."
"You did."
"Yeah."
"Did it make them happy?"
"Until I started apprenticing."
"Was it worth it?"
"Don't tell them, but yeah. I learned a lot." The car slows. Pulls to a stop.
We're here.
Ryan unclicks his seatbelt.
I do the same.
He moves closer. Wraps his arms around me.
I let my eyelids press together.
Let my fingers dig into his t-shirt.
He's warm and he smells good. Like lemon soap and like Ryan.
I feel him everywhere. In my lungs and my bones and my soul.
It's deeper than usual.
More intimate.
Ryan never holds me like this.
Never.
"I'm sorry, Leigh." He pulls me closer.
"Do you… do you want to come in?" Hold me all afternoon. Fall asleep in my bed. Make me forget the world. "I'm still working on my portfolio. I could use your help." Even if I'm not planning to start taking clients for a long, long time.
He runs his fingers through my hair. "Whatever you want."
I want you.
I swallow the thought. Push it as deep as it will go. "We could get that amazing mint coffee first."
"Anything."
Not anything. Not by a long shot.
But something all the same.
Chapter Fourteen
Ryan
We spend the afternoon walking along the beach.
Spend the night eating street tacos over hours of work on Leighton's portfolio. Her shit is amazing, but it's unfocused. She needs to pick a niche and own it.
I keep arguing she should do book covers.
She keeps resisting.
I don't know why she doesn't want to go after this.
But I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to convince her to do this.
It's late when she gives up on work. But she doesn't ask me to leave and I don't offer.
Instead, she puts on Austin Powers and pats the spot on the couch next to her. "Promise you won't ask again?"
I will.
But not here.
Not tonight.
I nod and take the spot next to her.
She pulls her knees into her chest. Rests her head on my shoulder.
She falls asleep in my lap halfway through the movie.
If feels right having her this close.
Intimate.
Terrifying.
Like she's going to rip my heart from my chest and leave it beating on the floor.
That can't happen.
Shit can't change.
No matter what, I can't lose her.
Brendon takes a swig from his water bottle. His dark eyes fill with that paternal I know best, and it's not this look of his. "You really want to hand her more of your thoughts?"
"It was Leighton's idea."
"You're an adult. Take responsibility for yourself."
The water sloshes against the side of the pool as Leighton does a cartwheel.
There are another dozen people in the pool—Dean went all out—but I only see her.
Her purple hair sticking to her forehead.
Her lips parting with a laugh.
Her ass bouncing as she jumps, straining the straps of that so-called swimsuit.
"What did you tell me when I was trying to get over Kay?" He takes another swig.
We're standing in the shade, under the patio umbrella, the enormous backyard in front of us.
The grill to our right.
Dean's fixing burgers. Flirting with a mutual friend.
Leighton insists he isn't Mr. Powers.
But who else could it be?
"Nobody fucking warns you good advice comes back to haunt you," I say.
"Be less insightful."
"I'm trying."
"See somebody. Do something. Anything that's not about Penny."
"I am."
"Pretending to date your best friend—"
"I'm seeing her, aren't I?"
"You're fucking her?"
"No." My voice is incredulous. "That's ridiculous."
"Then you aren't seeing her."
Maybe not romantically. But I am seeing Leighton. When I close my eyes, she's there. Pressing her berry lips into a smile. Running her fingers through my hair. Shifting into my lap with a sigh.
"You like her?"
"She's my best friend."
"You want to fuck her?"
"Look at her."