I want it so badly.
But I can't have it.
"You like that?" Dean asks.
"Yeah. He's honest. He doesn't try to charm me the way you do."
Dean adopts his mega-watt smile. He shoots me an I know you want to fuck me look. "Charm is enjoyable for the charmed as much as the charmer."
"Is that right?" I know Dean well enough to know he's full of shit, but his smile is chipping away at the ice around my heart. It feels good, being the center of his attention, letting his radiance light up my sky.
It needs it.
The decorations are all bright, tropical hues, but they feel ugly and grey.
"You don't laugh at my jokes?" Dean teases.
"I'm not in the mood."
"‘Cause you're cock hungry."
I can't help but laugh. He's right. The ache between my legs is not helping matters any.
My body is still singing for Ryan's.
My thoughts are still turning to his eyes, his hands, his lips, his cock.
Fuck, I want him pinning me against the wall.
I want him whispering come for me, baby in my ear.
I want him splitting me in half.
"Really fucking cock hungry." He shakes his head. "If you weren't Ryan's main squeeze, I'd drag you to the bathroom to satisfy you."
I laugh so hard I double over. Okay, his stupidity is helping. I almost feel normal.
The phone buzzes. I felt it. "Fuck." Dean's eyes bug out of his head.
It's bad. It has to be bad. "Let me see that."
"No. I'll read it." His voice is steady. Reassuring. Completely unlike Dean. "There's no way he felt her. I saw him leave looking for you."
"And?"
"He was worried."
"He's always worried."
"When it's about you, yeah. Why do you figure it is you tie him in knots?"
"Why am I standing here when I could be going through security?"
"‘Cause I'll call Ryan and get him on your plane if you leave."
Yeah, he will. Somehow, he'll defy the laws of physics to do it.
I stare into Dean's mischievous blue eyes. "Weren't you with Kristen?"
"Yeah, I was with Kristen. At the party. Talking. I am capable."
"You like her?"
"She's fun. And hot. But not like that, no. I'm not gonna fuck some chick who screwed over my brother."
"She didn't—"
"The friend of my enemy is my enemy."
"Still. Ryan wouldn't care."
"I have standards."
"You do?" My voice isn't quite teasing. It's more confused. But I can't help it. The world is a confusing mess at the moment.
"You think I'm gonna leave when one of you two might need me?"
"Yeah… Of course."
He shrugs. "Yeah. Guess I would." His voice is effortless, but it does nothing to hide the concern in his expression.
Fuck, Dean is struggling to bullshit.
This must be tragic.
It feels all wrong. But standing here, talking to him, is enough to make me forget. I'm wrapped up in Dean's stupidity instead of in my loneliness.
Right now, it feels like it's going to be okay.
As soon as I say goodbye…
"There's plenty of hot chicks here. I'll bang one back at the hotel. Tell you all about it tomorrow morning."
"Tomorrow morning?"
"Take you back to the hotel—"
I shake my head.
"All right. Tuesday at work."
I press my lips together.
"Leigh. A bet is a bet."
"And if he doesn't show?"
"Then I'll be by your place as soon as I get off."
"And?"
"And I'll annoy you into coming back."
I want to be there. I want to be under the heart string lights. I want to hear the bell ring and the tattoo guns hum and the guys laugh. I want all of it. But not with this space between me and Ryan.
"I can't. I'll get Em to fill in. Teach her what I know. She's been asking me to go over shop admin forever. She really wants to have a hand in running it." I motion give it back. "I can't text her like this."
"Agree to come."
"You know I can lie now."
"You wouldn't. You have honor."
"I'm gonna miss my flight."
He hands my phone over. "Only giving you this 'cause you're gonna like what Ryan said."
Ryan: I'm here if you want to talk. All night.
Ryan: Penny came by my room. She had a bottle of bourbon and a ‘you can fuck me if you want smile.' I could have. She offered, more or less. But I didn't want to.
Ryan: I'm not telling you this to win points. I'm telling you there wasn't a single part of me that wanted that. I didn't want her body or her affection or her love. I didn't even want her apology. I told her what I really thought. I told her she and Frank are right together. That I'm happy for them. That I want the best for them.
Ryan: I felt it.
Ryan: As soon as I told her, I felt it. I'm done with her. Over her. Completely. It's so much more fucking obvious right now, because I can feel a gaping hole in my gut. That's you being gone, Leigh. Maybe that isn't enough for you. Maybe it's not enough that I want to be the person who cooks you dinner every night and wakes up next to you every day. Maybe it's not enough that I want to watch your design company take off, and teach you to surf, and race you around the park. Maybe it's not enough that you're my favorite fucking person in the world. But you are. And I want all that. When I see my life, you're in it. You are it. There are only three things I want. I want to do ink, I want to see the world, and I want you.
"Ryan said something good." Dean's voice brightens.
"No." I bite my lip.
"You have a look."
"I do not."
"Like you're thinking about going back."
"No." Kind of. I… I want to talk to him. I want to wrap my arms around him. I want to collapse in his bed.
Our bed.
I want everything to be ours again.
But I need him to be mine.
"You sure?" Dean asks. "You look like it."
I want to, but I can't. I need to be home. I need to be safe. I need Ryan to love me. I can't have the latter. So I'll have to take the first two. "I'm exhausted."
"So crawl into bed, whisper I love you, I'm sorry, and collapse."
I shake my head.
"He loves you, Leigh. You two are the only people who don't see it."
"How do you see it?"
"How do I not? It's everywhere. He cooks you lunch every day. He gushes about you nonstop. He looks at you like you hang the sun."
I bite my lip.
"He's fucking obnoxious. Like Walker."
I shake my head.
"He is. He does love you. Trust me. The guy's my brother. I've known him for twenty-five years now."
"I can't."
"Leigh—"
"I have to go home." I have to be alone, in my apartment, away from everything that confuses me. And right now, everything confuses me.