I want to collapse in his arms and tell him everything. Not just Grandma but all the other ugly stuff in my head. Those words are clutching at my throat.
I need someone to know.
I need them to know and to stay.
"Grandma. I don't know. She keeps saying she's okay. That Mom is over-reacting. That she has plenty of time. But I don't know if I believe her."
He takes my hand between his. Rubs the space between my thumb and forefinger with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Kay."
"Thanks." I blink and a tear catches on my lashes. I've been pushing this away for so long. Can I really hit the release valve? I might overflow. "I just... I don't know what to do. Everyone is treating me like a kid. Like they need to protect me from reality. So I don't know how bad it is. If she's dying... how am I supposed to live in the world without her?"
His eyes meet mine. He nods. An I'm listening kind of nod.
I like that he does that.
That he lets me talk.
Okay, I like almost everything about him.
More even.
"She was my first friend," I say. "She taught me so much. And she's still my confidant. As much as Em is. As much as you are."
"I remember her. She was—"
"Weird?"
His laugh is soft. "Yeah. Fun."
"She is. She's bold and strong and alive. How can someone like that be dying?"
He rubs my hand with his thumb. "It happens to all of us. I know that doesn't help. But—"
"I know. I just... I don't want it to be her. She's supposed to be around to read my first novel. To see my college graduation. To see my wedding. To meet my... well, I don't know if I'll have kids. But if I do. Their lives will be so much richer if they can meet her." I blink back another tear. "I'm sorry. You don't... you don't have anything and I'm—"
"It's not a contest."
"But—"
"Even if it was, you love your Grandma. She loves you. My parents—"
"You didn't love them?"
His eyes go to the hardwood floor. "Things were bad for so long. It's hard to remember anything but my mom staring at me like I was toxic."
"You're not."
He reaches up to brush a hair behind my ear. "Everybody hurts, Kay."
"Like the REM song?"
He laughs. "No. Well, yeah. You can tell me. Anything. You never need to apologize for what's in your head."
I hope that's true.
That he'll accept anything.
I press my lips together. I practice the words in my head. Brendon, I have to tell you something. Something I've never told anyone. I'm broken. I'll always be broken. But I want you to love me anyway.
I can't do it.
I can't open that valve either.
I need to shove all these feelings back to the box where they belong.
So I can make it through...
Through something. I don't know.
His fingers skim my temples as he pulls my glasses off my face. "You miss her?"
"Yeah. It's been good talking more on the phone. But she sounds so alive. Every time she laughs, I think it might be the last time."
He nods. "Are you going to see her?"
"I finally got tickets. In two weekends. It's the day after the concert actually."
"I'll take you to the airport."
"Yeah?"
"Of course." He runs his fingers through my hair. "Anything."
"Will you be there? If she... if she does die."
He stares up at me. "Your parents will realize—"
"I know."
"They won't let you stay here."
"I know."
"You're okay with that?"
Maybe. I don't know. But— "I'll need you there. I'm not sure I'll survive any other way."
"Then I'll be there."
It calms something in me. More than it should. I do trust him. With almost anything. "What was it like when you found out?"
"I got a call that they were in critical condition. By the time I got to the hospital, they were gone."
"Do you wish you'd said goodbye?"
"I don't think about it. I didn't have time. I had to figure out how to be a fucking parent. By the time I had space to breathe, it hurt less."
So he stayed busy. That's good advice. I can do that. I can do busy. But then— "Have you ever stopped and felt it?"
"It's hard to find a part of me that misses them."
"Really?"
"I know. I sound like a piece of shit—"
"No, I get it."
"I'm sure it will be worse for you, Kay. But I'll be there. With whatever you need."
I slink off my chair and wrap my arms around him.
He presses his lips to my forehead.
We stay linked together, breathing together, hearts beating together for ages.
Until there's a sound downstairs. The door opening. And Emma announcing her arrival.
Brendon plants a soft kiss on my lips. "Tomorrow."
I'm not sure what he's promising, just that I want it.
He pushes himself to his feet and slips into the hallway. His footsteps move toward his room.
I push myself into my chair.
Then Emma's footsteps are moving up the stairs and she's knocking on my open door. She peeks inside. "Kay. What happened?"
"Grandma."
She moves into my room and sits on the bed. "You want to talk about it?"
I nod.
And I do.
I tell her a lot.
But it's not enough.
I'm still lying to her about Brendon.
I'm still hiding a huge piece of myself from her. From everyone.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kaylee
I fall asleep with puffy eyes and a sore throat and I wake up lonely.
As long as I keep this to myself, I'm alone.
Brendon doesn't belong to me. He belongs to the version of Kaylee I convince him I am.
But that isn't me.
I need to tell him everything.
Soon.
Really, really soon.
It's a beautiful morning. Soft light floods the room. It bounces off the TV, casting glare over the incomprehensible action movie.
But it’s not like I’m paying attention.
I'm sitting next to Brendon, turning over all my thoughts.
Wanting more.
More of... just more.
I need to feel he's mine. Because I'm not ready to tell him. Not yet.
My body is going to have to get this across.
He turns toward me. Brings his hand to my chin and pulls me into a kiss.
A deep, hard you're mine kind of kiss.
An I love you kind of kiss.
I've never said those words before. Not romantically.
I'm still not sure exactly what it means to love someone.
I press my lips to his. I tug at his t-shirt. "Emma's at work."
He nods.
"We could... I want to..." My cheeks flame. I'm still not good at this dirty talk thing.
His expression shifts. The doubt in his eyes fades into something a lot more demanding. "Tell me what you want, angel."