With his slightly slurred speech, he responded: ‘Actually, I was born hearing but then got meningitis when I was two.’
‘I see, and that’s why you still have some speech?’ I asked.
‘No, that’s because I learned to speak and sign at school.’
Then I couldn’t help asking, ‘Did you ever think of getting a cochlear implant?’
Sophie shot daggers at me. Matthew had missed my question so he turned to her, and she quickly interpreted.
Matthew answered, ‘Oh, well, I don’t feel the need to have one. I’m fine. I can speak and sign. I don’t really need my hearing and I don’t feel anything is missing.’
I could tell my questions were making Sophie uneasy. Perhaps she felt the need to protect Matthew.
‘Mum, it’s Matthew’s decision to not have one,’ she told me. I could see that she wanted to say more, but instead she just kept glaring at me to keep quiet.
I nodded, and as the conversation moved on I noticed that Sophie sat opposite Matthew so she could sign for him when required. My heart sank as I realised that she needed to act as his interpreter. Sophie had a big personality and was a people person, and if she was to continue her relationship with Matthew, perhaps this would make her social circle smaller because she’d have to focus on him. Even if we all learned to sign at this point, it would be very limited communication and Sophie would still be interpreting between us and Matthew.
The next day, just before they headed off, Sophie was avoiding making eye contact with me. Although I was happy that she was going out, enjoying life and making new friends, her behaviour unsettled me. I took her aside and asked what was going on. That’s when she accused me of being insensitive towards Matthew.
‘Sophie!’ I responded, quite startled. ‘What are you talking about? I’m simply interested, that’s all! I don’t care whether he has implants or not. I was just curious.’
‘I don’t think so, Mum,’ she replied. ‘You want me to stay in your hearing world – just admit it.’
I tried to reassure her that she was wrong, but I could feel an uneasy tension growing between us.
After they left, Li and I went to the Gold Coast ourselves, alone for the first time. It was divine, just the two of us, relaxing and dreaming and planning. I kept my worries about Sophie to myself as I didn’t want to spoil this precious time together.
Then Bridie arrived, sharing her stories of the fabulous time she’d had. She loved everything about France, especially the co-ed school. She was about to start her final year of school in Brisbane and looked a little restless and envious of her older siblings’ independence, but we reassured her that her time would come.
Tom went back to Melbourne straight after Christmas. He had decided to study through the summer so that he could graduate in June the following year. Once the academic year was in full swing, he especially enjoyed his teaching placements, borrowing our old car to get to the various schools.
Back in Brisbane we opened with La Sylphide, and then staged the fairytale ballet Peter Pan. Just when things were going so well, though, around the middle of the year, we had another upset with Sophie – and this one was worse than before. She and I had hardly communicated in the past few months. She seemed busy and content with work and Matthew, and I had been preoccupied with my work, too.
Sophie came to Brisbane for work and stayed with us for the weekend. During dinner at home, we finally chatted properly about her life back in Melbourne. Sophie and Matthew had been together for almost a year.
‘I’m going well,’ she shrugged. ‘You know, same old. The stories I hear about how difficult it is for deaf people out there with no support make me so sad. If I can help by signing, then that’s what I’ll do.’
‘Well, yes, of course, Sophie—’ I began, before she quickly interrupted.
‘Also, I’m thinking about Matthew moving in.’
‘Oh,’ I said, somewhat startled.
‘I wanted to let you know. I want you and Dad to be okay about it,’ she went on.
‘To be honest, Sophie,’ I said, ‘I don’t think he should move in. It’s not appropriate.’
‘Alice and Kat are fine about it!’ she shot back.
Li gently put his hand on my shoulder to quieten me. Nothing further was said until after dinner. Li indicated for me to keep cool, but I couldn’t help myself and blurted, ‘Sophie, darling, I don’t think it’s a good idea for a 27-year-old man to move in with three girls. I think you should have your own space.’
‘Mum!’ Sophie crossed her arms defensively. ‘Just stop. I can make my own decisions. I am twenty-five years old, for God’s sake.’
‘I’m not being unreasonable, Sophie. If you want to live with Matthew, you should move out and rent a place together,’ I continued.
Silence. Then a snappy, ‘That’s fine. Whatever you say.’
I could sense her rage and I felt wretched. I felt things were about to escalate. ‘Sophie, what’s wrong with you?’
It all came out then. She said, ‘You don’t know everything. You should have let me sign from the beginning. You should have learned to sign for me, too. Hearing is so hard. And no matter how hard I try to hear in all situations, I still can’t hear well! Half the time, I don’t know what I am missing. I often felt left out on family holidays – at the beach every morning, then the pool every afternoon – and I’m deaf for the entire day because that’s my reality!’
‘Sophie, just stop—’
‘No, you stop, Mum. Don’t interrupt me. Let me finish.’ She put her palm up to stop me, and a quick glance at Li silenced me.
Just let her speak, he pleaded with me wordlessly.
‘Now that I have deaf friends, I feel like I belong. I don’t feel like an outsider anymore. I no longer struggle day in, day out. And God, it was so hard growing up with you!’ she said, visibly upset. ‘You never gave me a minute’s peace. You have no idea how hard it’s been, how unhappy I’ve been. I always felt something was missing. You just wanted me to fit in to your world, and I know now that I can never do that. Anyway, I don’t expect you and Dad to understand. You know how hard I’ve tried. People just think, “Get a cochlear implant and everything is fixed.”’
‘Sophie—’ Li tried to interrupt her. True to his unspoken words with me, I kept quiet.
‘Stop!’ she interrupted back. ‘I still haven’t finished. I’ve said it before, but did you ever think to learn to sign? Did any of you ever consider learning to sign?’ She stared at us. I didn’t reply.
‘Deaf people feel like the hearing world just expects us to fit in,’ she continued. ‘We don’t matter. We have to keep up with your pace. Our opinions and feelings are completely ignored. Why can’t you make an effort to learn a bit more about the deaf world for a change?’
‘Sophie, that’s not true,’ Li tried again, calmly. ‘We understand—’
‘No, you don’t, Dad! You think you understand, but you don’t. You only want me to listen to you, and I’m starting to think that my opinions don’t matter to you. You think I’m doing just fine in your hearing world, right? But I’m not! Every day I struggle. I feel so left out and isolated. Did you know that I was constantly feeling anxious and depressed? I feel happier when I am with deaf people, because we understand each other and our struggles.’