Today, I love being deaf, perhaps because I don’t know any different. I have never experienced hearing, so what can I do? Learn to love and embrace deafness, and that’s what Meg and Matthew have done for me, and for that, I am so grateful.
My psychologist was incredibly insightful: he said it’s almost as if I’m ‘coming out’. Like as in gay, but I’m not gay, I’m deaf. He is wonderful – he’s been helping me a lot in trying to tell you this in the most loving way possible. Because I love you guys.
So now you know a bit more about me, I only hope that you fully accept me as a deaf person, not a person who can hear with cochlear implants.
I know you are happy that I broke up with Matthew. I just hope it’s not because he’s deaf and chose not to have cochlear implants. Or that you think he changed me and I’m putting the blame on you. No, I changed my life and I want you guys to be with me on this new journey. It’s not about cochlear implants any more: it’s about me.
It’s my only wish that you can be more accepting of me, and not worry that I will disappear into the deaf community. That’s never going to happen. I am now and will always be part of both communities.
Mum, please remember this is not about my past. I don’t regret or blame you for the decisions you made. It’s okay, I still love you, you did the best you could.
It really hurt me when I found out that my own parents were happy that I broke up with Matthew, but not once did they bring up their concerns with their very own daughter. Why not ask their daughter for answers they need to know? You know, I cried for days. It hit me like a truck a thousand times over when I realised my own parents don’t accept me for who I am. Just because I went out with a person who was exactly like me.
I love you Mum and Dad, just please don’t put up a barrier between us because of the changes in my life. What it could do to get in the way of our relationship.
I love you both so very much,
Sophie
I felt an enormous guilt descend on me for not knowing the depth of Sophie’s unhappiness. Of all the conversations I’d ever dreamed of being able to have with my daughter, I’d never imagined that one email would break me so completely. Both Li and I felt gutted. How had we missed so totally how badly she felt about being torn between her family and her connection with the deaf world? We could hardly speak about it as we both processed the pain that our daughter had been dealing with.
Neither Li nor I wanted Sophie to resent her upbringing and the fact that she could communicate orally with the speaking world. Neither of us had ever imagined such an outcome. It can’t have been all our fault, all my fault, fighting as I did for her to live in the hearing world. It had to be down to the other influences that had come into Sophie’s life. It had to have been largely down to Matthew, I suspected. It was good that he’d helped her to navigate the deaf world, but we felt he was very political about that world and didn’t know our family or our situation.
Sophie’s email was a huge wake-up call for us, and I waited for her arrival with eagerness, anxiety, trepidation and hope. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and her letter. I felt incredibly agitated and emotionally fragile, as though my tears could flood out at any time.
Finally, Sophie arrived from the airport. We hugged each other tightly, for slightly longer than usual. I was relieved that she didn’t try to pull away. Li had kept telling me that no matter how emotional we were, we shouldn’t lose our cool. And we had both agreed that the most important thing was to get Sophie to understand that our love for her was absolutely unconditional. We could see now that she was crying out for our help and understanding. I loved her even more, if this was at all possible.
Sophie was very calm and composed when we finally sat down to discuss things. Li and I assured her that we understood what she was going through and that she should never feel she was going through it alone. We would always be there for her, loving her.
We talked for hours. I felt that the wall between us was slowly crumbling and we became closer and closer as the conversation went on. I believed that we’d got our daughter back by the end of that evening, even though there were scars that needed time to heal. One thing was clear to me: Sophie knew that we loved her no matter what. And I knew that her love for us hadn’t changed either.
Later, we sat outside by the pool in the winter sun. Li had made his mother’s dumplings as a treat, as we knew Sophie missed them. We’d got through such a lot earlier in the day, but we still hadn’t mentioned Matthew. I was curious and asked why she hadn’t told us at the time that they’d broken up. Her eyes began to fill with tears.
‘I didn’t tell you, Mum, because I just couldn’t deal with any more at the time.’
‘What happened, Sophie?’ I asked. She refused to be drawn on it and I could only speculate. After our emotional reunion earlier that day, I guessed that she must have reached a point where she had to make a decision – a life with Matthew or a life with us; it couldn’t be both. To this day I still don’t know the reason for sure, and perhaps I will never know. I haven’t asked her again and we haven’t spoken about it. But I did think it was for the best. If I could be open to her living in two worlds, why couldn’t he, if he really loved her?
‘I’m all right now, Mum,’ she said, returning from the kitchen with the steaming dumplings. ‘Things are much clearer to me now. I think I know how I can make my life work living in two communities. I want to find something that joins them together, or at least find a way where they can be at peace with one another. We need to get rid of the idea that it’s either one world or the other. It’s so damaging.’
This sounded encouraging. She went on to explain that she’d been talking about her future with her friend Zoe who, like Sophie, was profoundly deaf and could speak and sign. Zoe had suggested that Sophie look into audiology, and this had really piqued Sophie’s interest.
‘I can’t believe there are so few deaf audiologists in Australia, Mum. How can audiologists understand deafness if they are all hearing?’ I thought she had a good point. As it turned out, she’d already started to apply for positions at universities.
I could see that Sophie was beginning to take the lead in our relationship, educating me about living independently in both the hearing and deaf worlds that were her reality, and it filled me with joy. I felt that what we’d been through was actually helping our relationship become more equal, which is what we’d both worked for. I believe the mother–daughter relationship is the most important relationship for the happiness of your daughter. And this was happening to us. The conflict between us was starting to dissipate.
I got up and walked over to the frangipani tree near the verandah. The sun was going down behind the hill and I could hear Sophie and Li laughing together. I felt more at ease than I had in a long time. Seeing Sophie’s growing confidence in her own beliefs and abilities made me more confident about what lay ahead for her. No one can read the future, but I hoped my instincts were right.
We had much to celebrate. Bridie graduated from school, thrilled to be eighteen finally. She was impatient to get out into the world at long last, and we hardly saw her. She was working in hospitality, saving up for a car. She enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Queensland but had no idea what subjects to do except for Spanish, having fallen in love with Barcelona two years earlier. Tom would soon be doing the second year of his Master of Teaching and Sophie would start a four-year degree to pursue a Master of Audiology at La Trobe University. The year ahead for the family looked promising, with all three children flying from the nest and finding their own path. I was very proud of them.