We tried hard to keep our relationship secret. It was both thrilling and agonising. We both felt guilty. Li was trying to break it off with Linda but she was still in love with him, and I was still in touch with Matz in London. Matz and I were very fond of each other, but in my heart I had known for a while that he and I were never going to be lifelong partners. Falling in love with Li finally ended my relationship with Matz. We didn’t actually speak about it. I wasn’t going back to London and he wasn’t coming to Houston. We both realised we had grown apart, and simply remained friends.
Li and I also knew Ben didn’t like dancers from the company forming close relationships with each other. It posed too great a risk – if one of the dancers wasn’t happy within the company, the director could potentially lose both dancers. If Ben came to suspect that was a possibility, when Li was his star dancer whom he couldn’t afford to lose, things could become quite difficult for everyone. I often sensed, too, that Ben felt Li was like a son to him, and that Li saw Ben as a surrogate father.
‘I would hate for our relationship to cause Ben any angst,’ I told Li.
‘Yes, best keep secret for now,’ he agreed.
So we continued to keep our relationship hidden as best we could. In the studio rehearsing together, we shared lots of expressive eye contact. Afterwards, we would go and have a meal together quietly, in restaurants where we didn’t think anyone from the company would be. Sometimes we would meet at our own places. Li convinced me to try his favourite Japanese restaurant, but unfortunately for him I didn’t like fish in those days, which was the main thing on the menu. Li loved fish because seafood was a speciality in his hometown, Qingdao, and he hadn’t enjoyed much of it in his childhood as his family were too poor. I ended up eating meat and tempura vegetables instead.
While secrecy made our relationship even more exciting, the stress of keeping it to ourselves was starting to show. It was a tumultuous time and I became frustrated with Li’s guilt and indecisiveness with Linda. She didn’t know about us and was planning a holiday for the two of them. Under pressure, Li decided to give their relationship another chance and began to push me away. ‘Mary, in my heart I feel I need to have one more try with Linda,’ he told me.
I was devastated, and beyond hurt. His decision seemed crazy when we both felt the inevitable force pulling us together. I came to the realisation that I had to let him go, but gave him a rather cold shoulder after that. Even though we were together every day in a very physical way in the studio, I held back emotionally. It was incredibly draining.
So he’s dumped me, I thought. Right! I started seeing more of Randy Lombardo, a cardiologist-in-training I’d had a few dates with when I first arrived in Houston. I was trying to move on from Li. I also decided that the next person I was going to have a relationship with would be the person I would marry. Otherwise, I said firmly to myself, the only other option is to stay single. I can’t do dating – I don’t have the time!
Randy came to the ballet to watch me perform. Li didn’t like this, which I relished! The ball was in his court now. We didn’t talk about it, and I didn’t ask what was going on with Linda.
Back in Houston after being on tour, we both attended the annual Houston Ballet Ball. Neither Linda nor Randy was invited, so Li picked me up. We were at the same table and I wore the beautiful glittery red dress Ben had bought me. Throughout the night, I noticed that his eyes kept darting over to me. I intentionally avoided him, which drove him crazy. Of course, it was killing me too. I was certain that we still loved and cared for each other.
After the ball I told him straight: ‘You’re not in love with Linda. You’re in love with me.’
But then I backed off to let him think about that. How I wished that he would get with the program!
The following couple of weeks were excruciating. Li was struggling to end his relationship with Linda and tried to hide his feelings at work. He was known for his positive attitude and focus, but I could sense his unhappiness. He confided to me that Linda was making extra efforts and he felt guilty for not loving her back the same way. He was even reading books and listening to audiotapes on self-help. Although I was frustrated with his indecisiveness, I fell in love with him even more seeing how hard he was trying to make it work with Linda, and how serious and sincere he was.
Even though I tried to give him space to work through his feelings, we still had to work with each other every day in the studio and on stage. It seemed the more we pushed away from each other, the more we were drawn closer and closer. I sensed an inevitability that we were meant to be together one day, but sometimes I wondered if Li would ever wake up.
One day after rehearsal, I asked him if we could go for a drink and he agreed. We drove out of town and went to a quiet bar where people wouldn’t recognise us.
‘How are you doing, Li?’ I asked him as soon as our drinks arrived.
‘Okay,’ Li replied.
‘Really? I don’t think you’re happy,’ I probed.
He gave me a meek smile and shook his head. ‘No, I’m not happy. My relationship with Linda is not going well. We both try hard . . .’
‘Li, do you still love her?’ There was no need for small talk. I had to get to the point. ‘You need to be honest about this. This is the most important question you need to answer.’
Li turned and gazed away from me. He was silent for a while. He frowned and took a mouthful of beer, then looked at me and said, ‘No, not any more, Mary. I think I love you.’
My heart leapt. I knew it! And now he’d said it. And then we started laughing.
‘What are we going to do, though, Li?’ I asked him, thinking about how our colleagues might react.
‘Well, I don’t want this affect relationship with Ben,’ he said. ‘Better let him know soon, I think!’
I knew Li was right but thought him very brave, as Ben could be quite intimidating. But our relationship was solid: it was built on a strong friendship and trust. Li and I had known each other over a year now and had been in close contact every day – in a way, it was more intimate than a marriage, which is exactly why we’d been reticent to get involved with each other. But it wasn’t just dating now – it was a serious relationship and we were both ready.
‘I talk to Ben tomorrow, Mary,’ Li said with determination as we got back in the car. Though I was a little afraid too, inside I was dancing on air.
The next day Li spoke to Ben. He told me Ben was quite shocked at first, but then was reassured when Li insisted that we planned to prove to him we could make it all work. ‘And that’s what we must do, Mary. Make it work.’
‘We will, Li,’ I assured him. ‘We will.’
Our first real opportunity to be together openly came the following month. It was June 1986, at the end of my first season with Houston Ballet, and we were touring to Singapore and Jakarta. We danced Swan Lake and a triple-bill program. It was a fabulous trip, not only because Li and I were openly together and dancing better than ever (which made Ben happy), but also because we had time to explore.
We drank cocktails at the famous Raffles Hotel in Singapore, and did all the touristy things we could fit in. How different from China this Asian city was! It felt so much more Westernised with its busy centre and futuristic skyscrapers alongside elegant colonial buildings, exotic temples surrounded by lush tropical greenery, and the smell of wonderful food everywhere.