I miss him.
Searching the internet showed me the multi-billionaire owner of a global tech empire side of him. The side of him that I got to know over those five days was worlds apart from the corporate juggernaut. It’s as if Drew descended from his grand galaxy and reshaped himself to fit inside my subtle little world.
As I continue staring at the laptop, my Facebook alert suddenly pops up. I freeze.
Could it be him?
I sit up in bed and retrieve the laptop from the bedside table. I open up my Facebook page and access the messages. Once I peep the name, my jaw nearly hits the floor.
Jake?
Jake: Quen? You there?
Fuck—I should’ve closed the browser. And by the way…how can he still message me when we’re no longer Facebook friends?
Hey, it’s late and I already feel like shit.
What’s one more thing to bring down my mood?
Quen: I’m here
I immediate regret responding. Why am I’m even entertaining him?
Jake: I’ve been trying to call you the past few days. Can I call now?
Really?! What in the world does he want?
I’m morbidly curious more than anything.
Quen: My phone is not here at the moment. Can we use the voice here instead?
Jake: Sure
I don’t have a chance to breathe when the screen proceeds to sound off. I accept the call on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Quen—hey.” He speaks in a tone that I don’t recall ever hearing from him before. I chalk it up to his voice sounding different over Blair’s father’s laptop versus hearing the full texture of his voice in person or over the phone. “Where are you?”
“I’m at Blair’s dad’s beach house.”
“Really? I thought you were in Eugene.”
Eugene? Why would he think that?
“Nope. You still in San Diego?” I come out and ask. Where’s Bianca?
“No, I’m in Portland at my folks’. I was hoping to see you.”
I stare in shock at the image of Jake’s solo profile pic on the screen as if it were his real live face.
“I’ve been thinking about how much fun we had here last summer,” he starts in a sober tone. “And how so far, this summer doesn’t measure up. It’s not the same. I miss you so much.”
Jesus Christ. I’m rendered speechless as he continues.
“I’m such a fucking idiot. I want us to start over—but not as friends. I want to be your man, Quen. For real this time.”
Part of me is stunned he’s finally taking the step I so desperately wanted him to take for three years. But a greater part of me feels absolutely nothing. In my heart of hearts, I’ve already moved on. I’m too busy sulking over someone else. I’m not in the right frame of mind to even entertain the idea of starting a relationship with Jake.
I gave him so much shit for moving on to the next girl so quickly. Yet, here I am—ass over tits in love with someone else; a man whom I just met. In five days, I was able to develop a deeper connection with Drew than I ever had with Jake in three years. In that time with Jake, it was him and me, Blair, and everyone else. In those five days with Drew, it was us. Looking back, Jake was more like a brother to me than a lover. Hell, the very idea of me being heartbroken over Jake seems repulsive in hindsight. He was my best friend—with benefits.
“Quen? You still there?”
“I’m here,” I sigh. “What about Bianca?”
He sighs even louder than me. “What a fucking joke. She’s so immature. I understand now why you were so hard on me. When all I wanted to do was party, you told me to grow up. I wasn’t ready to hear that. The last couple of weeks, it finally started to sink in. I’m a grown ass man about to start law school. I need to start planning for my future. For us. I’m going to be the man you need me to be. You’ll see.”
Frustrated and confused, I cover my face with my hands. Why are dudes like Bobby and Jake coming out of the woodwork all of a sudden, when neither of them is what my heart is dead set on?
“Bianca isn’t on your level, Quen,” he scoffs referring to his now presumed ex-girlfriend. “She doesn’t know the difference between a literal statement and a metaphor. I can’t even joke with her! She doesn’t get me like you.”
I think to myself, so—why did you leave me in the first place, Jake? I can’t believe he threw away not only the potential of us having an actual relationship, but he dissolved our three-year friendship only to seek out the qualities he admired most in me in somebody else. That’s really fucked up.
“You know what, Jake?” I preface, “when you put an end to us, it served as a wakeup call. It took us being apart for me to realize that in reality, we were always just really good friends who were in two completely different headspaces. We were never compatible.”
“You know that’s not true,” he groans.
“But it is true. And to top it off, we never did anything together—just the two of us. We always had the crew with us.”
“That’s my fault. I’ve always said, ‘The more, the merrier’. This time, it’s going to be different. Since you’re done with school, hopefully you’ll consider moving in with me at my apartment in Eugene while I finish law school.”
“Huh?” I am beyond aghast.
“You don’t have to work right away. If you want, you can hold out for the perfect job as long as it takes. Or—you don’t have to work at all. I’ll take care of us with my trust fund.”
I sigh. He’s obviously not listening to a solitary word I’m saying.
“Look, you don’t have to answer right away,” he says too quickly. “I know you’re still upset about what I did. I’ll give you the space you need. Just know that I’m not giving up on us. I want you back. I need you back.”
My emotions are in overdrive. In a sick, twisted way, I’m thrilled Jake has managed to fall flat on his pretty face. He finally understands how I felt when he left me. Now he’s groveling for me to take him back, but I’m more torn than ever.
Even though I can’t imagine my life without Jake, I also can’t see myself stringing him along. I love him, but I’m trying to decide if it’s as a lover or just a friend. Other than the sickening feeling of living in perpetual limbo, I’ve never really hated being with him. He always knew how to put a smile on my face.
Should I let him make it up to me and work his way back into my heart?
As I ponder the thought, I don’t think I’m not completely ready to close the door on any possibility. Hell, I was certain the man that I truly wanted to be with would never come back for me, and he did.
“Will you at least think about it?” Jake says, pulling me away from my thoughts.
I take in several calculated breaths before finally responding.
“I’m going to need some time.”
“Okay.” He sighs in relief.
The following morning after my internet chat with Jake, I tell Blair all about it in the kitchen. We’re barefoot at the open fridge, both in short pajama shorts and camis, as she takes out the orange juice and I gather up the bacon and eggs.
“I’m not surprised he reached out to you on Facebook,” Blair sighs. “He called me the other day because he kept getting forwarded directly to your voicemail. He told me he stopped by your house and your dad said you were with me in Eugene.”