Nathan puts his hand over mine where it rests on the spine of a book. “Are you sure? You can’t think of any way to change his mind?”
“I can, but you won’t like the answer.”
Nathan puffs his cheeks out like he’s about to vomit. “You’re right. Don’t do that. Ever. At least not with him.”
“Any other bright ideas?
“All I know is we need to learn from our mistakes, not repeat them. I’m trying to do that by figuring out a way to get us to Catalina’s shop without Mr. Buzzkill tagging along. I know you think you’re just doing your duty by dating him, but—guess what—that’s what Mercy thought she was doing, and where did that land her? Do you remember?”
“Dead.”
I don’t mean to say it. I don’t think I even know the answer to Nathan’s question, but there it is—the single word that can explain all my constant, churning dread at the outcome of this pushing and pulling, head-versus-heart drama I’ve somehow got myself into and somehow seem just as unwilling to get myself out of.
“Dead.” I repeat it as if testing the finality of the word. Dead.
“Exactly, and that’s the last thing I want to see happen to you—not if I can help it this time around. I called Catalina at Open Closed Doors. There’s an opening tomorrow afternoon. We could leave after class.” Nathan digs around in his back pocket and produces what looks like paperwork. “We must get these permission and liability forms filled out first. It’s okay to be scared, Meredith. I’m scared too. But even though I’m scared, I still think we owe it to ourselves to do this. We need to do this for us, for Nate and Mercy, and for everyone involved. We owe it to ourselves to find answers and learn their full story. The dreams and visions only tell part of it. We need to know the whole truth.”
I take the papers he offers. “I’ll see if Jay will loan us his car or maybe drive and wait outside. I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll try.”
Nathan’s shoulders sag in relief. “Thanks. I know it’s a lot to ask of you. I appreciate that you’re willing to try. Call or text me after you’ve talked to Jay, okay?”
I nod before I shelve the last book. “It may be late.”
“I don’t mind,” he says. “Just promise me you’ll call.”
“I promise, but don’t expect a miracle.”
“I won’t.” Nathan flashes me a grin before heading back to our library table.
After he’s gone, I take out my cell phone to text Jay: Meet me @ our spot. 911.
“What’s the emergency?” Jay is out of breath from sprinting up the stairs to the Widow’s Walk. “I came as soon as I read your text.”
“Sorry,” I apologize. “I shouldn’t have texted 911. It’s not really that much of an emergency.”
“Don’t scare me like that, Mer.” Jay sits down next to me on the rooftop of Widow’s Walk, still working on calming his breathing. Whenever we need a quiet place just to chill and relax or talk, we always come here. We’ve seen so many sunsets and sunrises from this roof. We shared our first kiss here. He gave me my Claddagh ring here. We’ve built years of memories here, and all of them are good. Jay and I may have our rough patches, especially as I struggle to decide if I still want to be his girlfriend and Daddy’s good girl that never goes against what is expected. No matter how confused I feel, I wouldn’t trade any of my memories with Jay. Not for a second.
“Did Nathan ever join the ski team as an alternate?” I ask.
Jay makes the same vomit face that Nathan made in the library. “Can we please go ten seconds without talking about Vale? It’s bad enough I have to share a room with the guy. I don’t need you fangirling all over him too.”
“Fangirling?” I sit up straighter, surprised by his word choice. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Well, aren’t you?” Jay asks. “I get it, though. He’s new and exciting. You’ve seen me every day since you were twelve, and we’ve been dating for two years. I’m old news.” Jay ruffles a hand through his blond hair, giving it a casual messiness. I love it, though have never told him so. “Would it be weird if I said I was half-expecting something like this to happen someday? Maybe that’s why I’ve been acting like such an ass. I guess the only variable I didn’t know in the whole equation was the who and when. Now I know. Now I can plug all the variables in and that scares me. No, it more than scares me, Meredith, it terrifies me.”
I scoot over until I’m sitting in his lap with my back against his chest, our legs stretched out with mine on top of his. Jay wraps his arms around my waist. I lay my hands on top of his where they rest near my hips and trace circles on the back of his hands with my fingertips. “I didn’t know you felt that way, Jay.”
“Yeah, well, it’s kind of a bitch when you can see your girlfriend slipping away from you right in front of your eyes. It makes me act out, so sue me.” He tightens his arms before loosening them again. “Why can’t we stay like this forever, Mer? Why can’t we just run off to a cabin in the mountains somewhere and just forget about everyone else?”
I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to run away from everything and just be Meredith and Jay. No school, no ski team, no Dad, only us. It wouldn’t be a bad life. Maybe there’d be no great romance-novel passion, but I’d be secure, happy, and loved. There’s nothing wrong with a quiet love. All-consuming passion gets you killed in classic literature, anyway. “Tempting, but the real world doesn’t work that way, Jay.”
“Why not? We can make it work. We can make anything work as long as we’re together.” Jay turns me so that I’m facing him, my legs straddling his upper thighs. My arms go up around his neck, and I press against his chest.
“Are you kidding?” I try to joke away my importance in his life. “You’d have a thousand girls lined up to take my place if I was out of the picture.”
“I don’t want a thousand girls, Meredith, I just want you.”
I kiss him. Jay is so surprised, he falls backward, and I land on top of him. A kiss may not seem all that spontaneous, but, for me, queen of keeping my emotions, thoughts, and feelings under wraps, it is a very, very impulsive act.
“What was that for?” Jay asks when I pull away. “Not that I’m complaining, but usually you’re all into the ice-princess routine—at least in public—so I guess I thought it would bleed over into private. Do that again.”
I kiss him again. I rest my head against his chest and listen to his heart beating. “I’m sorry I’ve neglected you—that I’ve neglected us. It’s just that I’ve had a lot on my mind. I know that’s not an excuse, and you have every right to be mad at me, but I wanted you to know I feel horrible about it too. I really do.”
“It’s okay.” Jay is quick to forgive, though I’m not sure how fast he’ll be to forget. “We can try harder now. I’ve had a lot on my mind too with ski season and graduation looming. I’ve told no one this, but I don’t know what I’ll do after graduation.”