Elise never called me out on it, but I had to wonder if, deep down, she knew my reason for feeling that way.
I was thirty-three years old now, and my life looked nothing like I thought it would. There had been a time, so many years ago, when I thought of my future. I dreamed about what it would look like. And now, with each year that passed, I lost sight of that vision for my life.
If I was honest with myself, it started changing the day Ryker walked out on me.
“Okay, so you just want me to show up on Saturday morning to get you all glammed up?” she asked.
That was the perfect word to describe it. Elise was the sole member of my glam squad. It wasn’t often that I needed her level of expertise in the matter, but she always came through for me when I did.
“Yeah, I think I’ll be good until then,” I replied.
“Alright. But then you need to make sure you call me if things change and you need my help before then,” she advised. “Because once I get that manuscript on Wednesday morning, I expect nothing else will exist for several hours. And given how things usually go when I read one of your books, it’s likely I’ll be useless for hours after I finish it.”
I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. That was precisely the reaction I went for when I wrote a book.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I assured her. “I should probably get working on this inventory check so I can get you a manuscript by Wednesday morning.”
“That works for me. Expect frequent updates about my mood once I’ve got it,” she warned me.
“I would expect nothing less from you, Elise.”
“Love you, Scarlet.”
“Love you, Elise.”
At that, we disconnected. As I always did, I gave myself a brief moment to let those words sink in.
Since Ryker, I hadn’t said them to anyone else but Elise. And it took me a very long time to be able to say those words to her. I had this irrational fear that if I said them, it would only be a matter of time before she ended up abandoning me, too. I no longer had that fear with Elise, thankfully.
A moment later, I got to work on creating my list and going through my inventory.
And the next day, I managed to send my manuscript off to my best friend.
To say she was excited about its early arrival was an understatement.
Over the next few days, I lived for her text message updates as she read. Of course, once I released a book, I received tons of messages and emails from my readers. Those meant the world to me. But something about having someone who loved me reading my stories did something to me. I didn’t know if it was because she was all I had that made it so special or if that’s how it was for all authors, even the ones with a huge support system.
While Elise checked in with me throughout her day reading, I packed and prepared for my signing.
Before I knew it, the big day arrived, and my doorbell was ringing.
Flinging it open, I threw my arms around my best friend. “Morning!” I greeted her.
Elise hugged me back and said, “She’s in a joyful mood today.”
I was.
I didn’t know what it was, but I woke up feeling extraordinarily happy for some reason. At first, it had freaked me out because it was so uncommon. That wasn’t to say that I never felt happy. It was just that feeling overjoyed about anything was rare.
“I know, Elise. It’s kind of freaking me out,” I told her.
I let go of her and closed the door. As the two of us walked to my bathroom so Elise could work her magic, she asked, “Why?”
“Because I don’t understand what’s going on,” I started. “There’s no reason for me to feel like this.”
“You have a signing today,” she declared in a tone that indicated she thought I might be going crazy.
“Yeah, but I’ve had signings before, Elise. This is different. It’s not that same kind of excitement,” I shared.
We made it to the bathroom, and Elise started pulling out all of her supplies. I thought back to the first time she’d done this for me. I remembered thinking she had so much stuff and wondered if it was because I needed that much to look good. Elise had noticed my wide eyes at the time and reassured me it wasn’t all for me.
“So, what do you think it is then?” she asked when she finally got started.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I have this weird happy vibe. It feels like it’s part excitement about the signing and part anticipation that something will happen. Have you ever had that feeling before?”
“Anticipation that something is going to happen?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Yes. And when I have that feeling, I’m usually filled with dread,” she said.
Dread.
Why?
“Do you think I should be worried I feel like this?” I questioned her.
As she continued to work on my makeup, Elise grinned. “No. I’m just telling you how I react to that feeling,” she began. “Usually, my anticipation about something happening is that something unfortunate is going to happen. If this feels positive, I think you should run with it. Maybe something wonderful is going to happen.”
I harrumphed. “Yeah, like what?”
“Do you realize who you are, Scarlet Morgan?” she asked.
“Um, yeah?”
“So, act like it,” she ordered. “Just because you aren’t living in some big city where you’re more accessible doesn’t mean that big things can’t happen. You’re an incredible author, Scarlet. The possibilities for you are endless. And it’s not a far stretch to think you could have one of your books made into a movie.”
Almost instantly, I felt a wave of sadness flood me. Even though Elise wasn’t wrong about endless possibilities in the publishing industry, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the brutal reality. The reason I’d been so successful as an author was because I’d lost Ryker. So, maybe the sky was the limit when it came to my career, but I had nothing when it came to love.
“Okay. Before I get started on these eyes, you need to get it out,” Elise demanded.
“What?”
She snapped her fingers. “Just like that, you went from happy to sad. What happened?”
It took a minute for me to pull myself together. When I did, I said, “I would give this all up.”
“What?”
Tipping my head back, I blinked my eyes rapidly. Even though she hadn’t started her work on my eyes yet, I didn’t need to be showing up at the signing with bloodshot, puffy eyes.
“If it meant that I could have him back in my life, I’d give this all up,” I admitted.
“You break my heart, Scarlet,” she said softly.
I took a few slow, deep breaths. I couldn’t do this today. I needed to get back to that good vibe I woke up with.
“It’s okay. I’m okay,” I promised. “I just… I had a moment of weakness there.”
“It’s not weak to be in love with someone or to want what you had with him back,” Elise said. “You of all people should know that. I mean, have you read your own books?”
I let out a laugh. She was right. “Thanks, Elise.”
“No problem. But are you sure you’re okay now?”
Nodding, I confirmed, “Yeah. I’m good. Honestly, this is a good day. Make me beautiful.”